Speech by Jonathan Newton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Newton
Speech Date: Mar2007
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the bridesmaids, I must thank Matt for his kind words – I'm sure you will all agree the bridesmaids, all look stunning and have done a great job so thankyou.

On behalf of those who don't know my names Jonathan, and Matt's younger brother.– our parents were obliviously so disappointed with their first attempt they decided to try again. And despite knowing me for 30 years Matt decided to ask me to be his best man – well probably the best he could find.

It's a great honour ladies and gentlemen But in all honestly I'm actually a little bit nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I've actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience. – yep it was in the local geriatric home – and I think It went well – they all pissed themselves

I've got a pretty traditional speech here And The first thing It's traditional for the best man to do in his speech is let everybody from the bride's side know what sort of man their daughter has married.
Ok here goes Matt is caring, loving – funny, charming, generous, successful – and squint matt what's this say I'm really struggling with your handwriting.

Another thing it's traditional for the best man to talk a bit about the Groom's past. –I feel really qualified to do this, because Matt and I have been through a lot together – in fact, we were just saying earlier today how glad we are that none of them are here today – I think foot and mouth took care of that wince

Well, I will start at the start –
Matt was born in 1975 and historically this was a pretty eventful year due to strikes and the uk's economic failure but upon researching the only thing I could find that related to matt was free family planning became available on the NHS. – So it shouldn't be too hard to believe that he was a deeply ugly baby. So ugly in fact, that when he was born the midwife had to be restrained from slapping both my parents. I always though it was strange that our Gran used to knit matt all those full-face balaclavas for winters

Interestingly enough looking at matt's past – I want to concentrate on Matt's early employment… most of Matt's earlier jobs when he was growing up seemed to revolve around food – a doubled edged sword for Matt surrounded by his one of his main passions in life but it also unfortunately meant he had to face his own personal occupational hazard that he could at anytime be sacked for eating on the job. And sadly for matt this happened on at least two occasions – . I could never understand how he could get sacked from his first employers as it was the purveyors of fine foods “Palethorps” for those who have not heard of them, they produce uncooked pork pies with very low grade meat – I think matt used to work there for the pastry

Mat's second food related job was when we both got jobs as silver service waiters. Now for those who know matt, this is the equivalent of asking Richard Hammond to test drive your new car – its just not going to work out. Fortunately our boss at the time was sympathetic and used to always bring in an entire spare joint of meat when she knew matt was working –they had to keep him both motivated and away from what he should have been serving to customers, they still ended up sacking him as he was the most expensive staff member they ever had, but there was one incident that stuck out there that I want to share… .

Once we were both waiting on at a huge wedding in Shropshire and there was always a lot of spare time to kill between courses and especially when the speeches were dragging on –GIVE KNOWING LOOK, So Matt and I snuck around to a quiet side of the marquee, it was a summer's evening and the sun was setting over the Shropshire countryside. So we were waiting for ages and soon got really bored. We started off by messing around and kicking an apple round etc and then matt started to show me how he had recently learnt to moon walk – he then went on to show me some new fancy dance moves he had picked up at the local disco.
So the dice shuffle – and the running man..… DO ACTIONS

For some strange reason – He then went end to give a demonstration of pole dancing around a nearby tree next to the marquee – he was spinning around and kicking his legs out in a jockey provocative manner – you know “like he's seen on dads films”
Suddenly there was a huge laugh and clapping from inside the marquee,

We both initially thought the speeches had finished but then suddenly the penny dropped and matt abruptly realised the applause was not for who ever was giving the speech.
What we had was a low setting sun here – a white canvas wall here – the 200 hundred strong audience of Shropshire's finest here, facing us, and Matt – between the sunlight and the canvas now its don't take a degree in physics to realise what was going on.

Matt had basically been doing a 10 minute silhouette show for everybody inside. Not only that but due to the angles – his shadow was projected and filled the whole wall of the marquee, But the thing that still makes me cringe to this day is that his timing was very unfortunate as he coincided with the groom who standing with his back to the canvas who was completely oblivious to matts “show” behind him and happened to be giving a real emotional toast to his close uncle who could not be at the wedding as he had passed away only weeks earlier.…

The third thing it's traditional to do in a best man speech is pick up certain character traits. I think I've just about covered “gluttony” And I have to mention is Matt's other deadly sin he's always been mean– obliviously not nastiness – but penny pinching and thriftiness and I'm sure I'm not the only person in this room to notice it.

His trait started at an early age and first I experienced it at a young age.

Picture the scene it was xmas 1985 and we were both exchanging presents. Now being a generous younger brother I had spent weeks saving up and brought matt a cassette of his favourite artist of the time.… shaking Stevens……well he was 10 I had wrapped it up nicely. I handed it to him and he mentally weighed it and the rattle obviously confirmed it was a tape and I saw Matt smile knowing I had brought him the one cassette he wanted a the time. He then handed me my so called “present” It was a huge 2 foot cubed wrapped box –. I picked it up and admit I was pretty excited at this time it looked huge and I thought wow –bloody good of him. Then I did what every child does with a present and shook it vigorously to try to hear what was inside.

Suddenly THE BOX MIOWED and then started hissing. I thought bloody hell and dropped the box – it seem to shuffle and hiss its way across the floor
That's right He was so mean rather than shell out and buy me a present, he had gift wrapped my cat. . Not only that but the cat was so angry and distraught about being sealed in a box by matt when I came to unwrap “my gift” he nearly clawed my bloody eye out.

Sadly He's still mean and unfortunately has not changed that much since then– only the other day I saw him drop a 50p coin on his way into a pub. He bent down so quickly to get it back that it actually landed on the back of his head

Later on tonight, when the music starts if you watch carefully, you might get to see matts “trademark” limbo dance. He learnt it trying to get into the pay toilets at Waterloo station

Sorry enough of that finally–Matt my final tradition is to give you a few pointers for married life….…

1. Firstly Remember – That's probably the last time your going to be able to speak with out being for 10 minutes without being interrupted by your wife.

2. Never go to bed angry. And I've always lived by this – which probably explains why the neighbours are always calling the Police at three in the morning to complain about the shouting

3. apparently marriage should be a 50/50 partnership. Matt you need to realise that anyone who believes that knows little about women and even less about fractions

4. forthly and finally and most important Always Always TALK to your mother in law – don't for God's sake do what I ended up doing and not talking to her for two years. I honestly don't have a problem with the lady actually I quite like her – I just was brought up to think its rude to interrupt

Joking aside Ive got to the serious stuff I want to say . This part I certainly don't need prompts and won't get the opportunity again. Standing here on my brother's wedding day, in the company of so many friends and family, I feel overwhelmed by an unusual sense of affection towards Matt, I've realised today that my annoying older sadist brother who upon first seeing me tried to pick me up by my ears and whom I grew up with predominately arguing with is actually pretty alright.

I want to say its impossible to summarise the last 30 years I have known Matt, I would like to say that over the years he has been the best anyone could hope for in a brother and also my best friend – And I've always been able to go to him for support in dark hours

I KNOW that you will maintain these high standards as a fantastic loving husband Everybody will agree you make a fantastic couple what's been a great day and its great to be a part of this celebration of your clear love towards each other

So I want everybody in the room to now be upstanding and I want to propose a toast to the happy couple, and at the same time quote the words of the poet Edward Blaylock – I wish the best day of the past together be the worst day of your future.

To the New Mr and Mrs Matthew Newton

M Barrymore telegraph.