Speech by Jonathan Raisey

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Raisey
Speech Date: oct 2004
Good afternoon. For those of you who have lived a blissfully happy life without ever having had to come into contact with me, my name is Jon and I am Steve's best man. Planning a best man's speech is a difficult task and I was very sensible and sought advice from those who had been there and done it themselves. There was a common consensus that with regard to length I should aim to spend the same amount of time as I would making love … {look at watch} … from my distant memory I think that means I have just over run, but thank you all for being a great audience {sit down}.

Well I suppose I should say some other things as well. Thank you to Steve on behalf of Hannah for his kind words and I have to agree that Hannah has done an excellent job especially in keeping Mel calm and in helping her to look exceptionally radiant on this special occasion. Whilst I am passing out compliments I had better state that Steve has also scrubbed up rather well himself (though I wish he had taken my advice and gone for the comb over)!

I also wish to thank everyone for coming as I know a lot of you have had a long way to travel…..… I must say it is very flattering but even I have to admit that my speeches are not that great!

Steve you have married an intelligent, humorous, witty and exceptional woman. Mel…… you have married Steve.

What can I say about Steve? First of all I had better explain our relationship. In best man terms I have known Steve for only a short while, meeting in November 2000 when we both went for a job with Wessex Water. I knew then that he would go a long way (though I have to admit that I was thinking more of Clevedon job centre rather than in terms of achieving things). Imagine my surprise when having got the job I then found Steve also waiting in reception on my first day. From there on in me and Steve have been through a lot together including Guinness, bitter and even the odd jar of scrumpy!

So why has Steve asked me to be his best man? I assumed first of all that it was down to my devilish good looks, but then I found a mirror. My second thought was maybe it was because he knew that I would take care of him on his stag do….well he has made it here today hasn't he .… By the way thanks to Bridewell constabulary for granting him bail for this occasion! In the end though I realised that he had pulled off a masterstroke as I know absolutely no juicy stories with which to enliven your afternoon. Therefore I will be hard pushed to give the ubiquitous character assassination that is quite common at these events. I have to admit that I am somewhat happy about this as I would not like to try and upstage someone that is more than capable of humiliating himself anyway!

Therefore Steve; sit back and relax…..… at least that is what I would have been able to say had you not very foolishly then given me your brothers phone number in order to arrange the stag do – genius!

So, what have I learnt about Steve with this fresh information. Firstly he is certainly dignified. He showed the sort of dignity that only a drunk man can when noticing a stripper entering a pub whilst out in London. Observing the fine young filly Steve made some rather outspoken and extremely audible comments about the impending removal of her policewoman's costume. This was shortly before finding out that it would be described more as a uniform than a costume, as the young lady was actually a w.p.c! Steve did manage to avoid getting arrested and has vouched that she was good looking and could quite easily have changed her vocation had she chosen!

He is a trend setter. Whilst on holiday in Selsea as a wee nipper, Steve and James were out on the rock pools collecting limpets and cockles as all good children do. Where as James and most other sensible kids would throw the hard shelled crustaceans out to sea, Steve decided to lob them back over his shoulder. This unfortunately was where the unfortunate James was standing, and a trip to casualty ensued in order to reconstruct his eye socket!

Finally I have found out that Steve is cool! In his younger days Steve tried to impress his chums by smoking a cigar. What he had not bargained on though was the fact that he would have an asthma attack, and once again medical attention would be needed to save the day.

There are also the stories of running out of the beefeater in Leicester square without paying as well as the many occasions of 12 hour drinking sessions with copious amounts of vomiting to throw in as well and you are beginning to get a well rounded view of Steve – basically he is a dangerous drunkard!

Thank you very much for that information James, the fiver is in the post! I can not leave this position though without giving my own views on this young couple. As I have said I was with Steve when he joined Wessex Water I also had the delight of managing Mel during her time there so I have looked on from the infancy of the relationship up to the culmination here today. Many a time I played the gooseberry over lunch as Steve and Mel forged a very close friendship. You could see even in those early days that they had personalities that very much complimented each other. It was therefore little surprise that Mel and Steve soon moved in together and shortly after that started courting. Well that was some three years ago and I have to honestly say that I have never seen a couple support each other as much as Steve and Mel have done. The two of them still seem as in love with each other as they were when they got together and still have that chemistry that makes them stronger as a couple than either would be alone. I wish them many happy years of marriage to come.

Well having bored you for more than you would probably like I shall now sit down, but in the traditions of a true alcoholic can I ask for another toast for the bride and groom. Cheers.

Thank you all.