Speech by Jonathan Rigg

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Rigg
Speech Date: Oct 1999
This is the second time today that I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

INTRODUCTION
Ladies and Gentleman………….… Visiting Dignitaries …………., Visiting Captains ………… and Mrs. Grimshaw.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids,……..… I'd like to thank David and Peter for their well rehearsed kind words.

The night David asked me to be his best man I remember very clearly. ……..We'd all been out for a few drinks, and as usual David wanted to go for a curry…….… I wasn't particularly hungry at the time but thought it would be rude not too.

Anyway, as we sat at the table David popped the question to me…….…

Now having just recently got married myself I knew what I was letting myself in for, so for the next couple of minutes I spent banging my head on the table shouting Why me…….… Why me…….… I thought I'd got away with it………….!!

However, when David ordered the Champagne……………..Champagne My Arse ………..and offered to pay for the curry how could I say no.

Actually, after that night I got right into the idea. ………I thought it was great that David had asked me to be his best man.

It was easy to see why he'd asked me……….., after all I'm good looking….., witty……, successful….., a great organizer…..… and a member of Rochdale Golf Club.

Also knowing that David is very organized and a bit of a control freak,…..… I thought I won't even have to do anything……… David will sort everything.

He'll sort all the wedding,…..… which he has,…..… and the stag do, which he did…..… and he'll write my speech,……… so come on Dave hand it over…………….…

But honestly David it is a great honour to be asked to be your Best Man.

Infact being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen mother…..… It's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

But………….I feel I have succeeded in my first duties of the day,….… that of ensuring that the Groom,

•a. uses the toilet before walking down the aisle
•b. ties his shoes laces
•c. washes his face and combs his hair
•d. has nothing between his teeth
• and lastly, make sure that his fly's are done up

BEGINNING
So starting from the beginning………..…

David was born 25th May 1970,………… I did try to link this with some big world event, but it seems nothing else of importance happened that day.

RUBIKS CUBE
My first recollection of David was at Thrum Hall Church when we were in the junior choir together which Phillip and Gwen ran. …….Now I can't remember much about the singing,..… but what I can remember is that around that time there was a particularly popular craze.

It was this…………

Now David being the clever lad that he is, could do the Rubik's cube no problem and in fact he held the Thrum Hall record for the fastest time, which he thought still stood to this day.

It was something like 20 seconds was it?

However since then unbeknown to David his record has been taken away from him.

Not because somebody has beaten his time………… oh no…..… Cause nobody else could be arsed. But because it has recently been brought to light that at the time of the record David was using performance-enhancing drugs.

Yes! …………..David, was using a Banned substance.

And that substance was,…………….Talcum Powder.

Now David didn't use the Talcum Powder in the usual way. That would have been perfectly legal.

Oh No,……… David sprinkled talcum powder on his special record breaking Rubik's cube.

David seemed to think made it spin faster.

So we have purchased a new Rubik's cube that has not been tampered with in any way, and you can hopefully after a little bit of practice, try to regain the record later on today.

Around this time David and Nick used to spend a lot of time at our house because we had a big spare room.

Many a Sunday afternoon was spent, playing tapes of Adam and the Ants,……..… Playing Chuckie Egg on the computer and playing snooker and pool.

I always remember David playing snooker cause he never used to win….… But it wasn't because he was bad at the game or anything.

It was because David is colour blind…….., so he couldn't tell which balls were which and we used to let him pot the wrong colour ball.

Infact at one point David spent so much time at our house that my Dad claimed for David as a deduction on his tax return.

BOYS BRIGADE
We also joined the Boys Brigade together at Thrum Hall Church when it was first set up.

We had many a happy Tuesday evening down there and I was reminded recently of one particular incident.

For some reason we had acquired an inertube……..… But this was no ordinary inertube,…… Oh no this was the inertube off one of the rear wheels of a JCB standing 7 feet high.

So there we were stood wondering what we could do with this inertube…….., when somebody…….., not mentioning any names had the great idea of rolling it from Thrum Hall Church down Thrum Hall Lane.

Now as naïve teenagers……, we thought that the tyre might roll 20-30 yards at most with us running behind it and when it toppled over we could pick it up and carry it back to the top of the lane and roll it down again.

How wrong we were…..…

Because as you have all seen today Thrum Hall Lane is quite steep.

So as we set the tyre rolling we all started running behind it, unfortunately the tyre picked up a bit of speed……..… So much so, that we couldn't keep up with it.

In fact it ended up doing about 30 mph…….… At which point it started to bounce…… higher and higher……., faster and faster……… By this time it was heading straight for one of the houses at the bottom of Thrum Hall Lane…..… All the time getting faster and faster…….., higher and higher…..…

And as the tyre headed straight for the house it bounced in the front garden bounced, onto the roof and landed in the back garden.

We couldn't believe what we had seen, or done. Plus we had to go and knock on the door of the house to get the thing back.

So being good honest Christian lads we went back into church and pretended nothing had happened.

UNIVERSITY
Being a clever lad David gained a place at Newcastle University to study Engineering.

The one thing that worried us all….., particularly my mother……., was the fact that David would now have to feed himself and might not eat properly.

Now we all new he wouldn't, because he didn't eat properly at home either.

In fact the only things I remember him eating are as follows.

1) Weetabix
2) Weetabix Sandwiches
3) Mars Bars
4) Sausage rolls
5) Pizza without cheese,

He was so unknowledgeable about food that he once thought cock au vin was when you had sex in lorry.

But he did have a particular favourite and everytime I went to visit him, my mum would send me up with a food parcel for him.

So to make sure that you eat properly now that you are married,…… my mother and I have put together a couple of your favourites.

1) TIZER

2) BOX OF FLAP JACK

DRIVING
Around this time David learned to drive, passing his driving test first time.

For a while David didn't have his own car so he used to borrow his mums green mini

One particular night David was driving home, and on the way he got a bit peckish, so he decided to stop and buy a bag of chips.

So there he was driving down Shawclough Road eating these greasy chips, lard all over the steering wheel and gear stick, when a cat ran into the road.

Now David superbly managed to avoid the cat…….… But unfortunately lost control of the car and careered off the road into a wall.

Luckily David and the cat were unharmed.

Unfortunately the car was a wreck………., a complete write off.

Gwen and Phillip were very understanding about the incident, and were happy at the fact that their son had escaped uninjured, and saved the life of tiddles.

Unfortunately the insurance company was not so understanding,…… and David had terrible trouble convincing the insurers that he crashed because of his greasy knob.

SPORTING ACHIEVMENTS
David has tried his hand unsuccessfully at most sports over the years and Vicki and I………., Vicki inparticular would like to thankyou sincerely for introducing me to the game of cricket.

If it wasn't for you David……., I would have had to go shopping with her every Saturday.

More recently David has taken up Walking,….… He was a very late developer you know.

Infact only the other month he managed to walk the four peaks in 24 Hours for charity.

The peaks being Snowden, Ben Nevis, Scarfeld Pike and Brown Wardle……………..…

Squash is another of David's passions.

Unfortunately David's health problems have put paid to any honors.

Many of David's squash partners have remarked on his inability to remember the score from the last game…….… However, clearly, this is a temporary condition, as on the odd occasion that David wins,….… his amnesia seems to lift.

David being a true Methodist…….., he has recently developed a fondness for horseracing and gambling and thinks of himself as a bit of a tipster or punter…… Infact David has backed the winner of the Grand National for the last 3 years……………

Unfortunately he backed all the other horses aswell.

PARTICIPATION
More recently whilst attending several sportsmen's dinners I have noticed that David is an expert at the game of heads or tails.

This game is very simple. You all stand up and choose heads or tails.

To show which you've decided you put your hands on your head for heads,

Or you put hands on your bottom, for tails.

May I emphasize that you put your hands on your own bottom and not anybody else's.

At the toss of a coin, if you're correct you stay stood up and carry on into the next round.

And if you're wrong you sit down as you are out of the game.

By elimination you are soon down to a handful of people, usually David and a couple of others.

To prove to you all that David is an expert in this field would you please all stand to commence the game.

ENDING
Anyway I could carry on little longer and tell you about the Stag Do in Dublin. Traditionally it's the Groom who gets left behind but on this occasion the Best Man got left behind.

Thanks for that Nick.

I could also tell the story of David going on a pub-crawl in Fancy Dress when he wasn't old enough to drink.

So he went dressed as Frank Sidebottom,…….… making a big paper mache head to wear so that nobody could see his face………..… David managed to get served all night.

DAVID AND CATHERINE PARTICIPATION
Before I finish I'd like to ask David and Catherine to participate in my speech now. Catherine if I can ask you to place your hand out flat on the table….…

David, if you would like to place your hand directly on top of Catherine's hand…………

Make the most of it David as it'll be the only time that you will have the upper hand.

END

But I shan't go on any longer because of my throat; …….… …Vicki has threatened to cut it.

CARD
THANKS

I would just like to say thankyou to David for letting me be your best man today.

I would also so like to say on behalf of Vicki and I to say how happy we are of you both today………………….and proud that we're all such good friends.

I'd also like to thank Peter, Sheila, Phillip and Gwen on behalf of everybody for inviting us all here today for this very special day.

And I'd like everyone to be upstanding for a toast to all those people who couldn't be here today to celebrate David and Catherine's wedding;

To Absent Friends.