Speech by Jonathan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan
Speech Date: 10/07/2016 18:08:42

Good afternoon everyone.

Can I just start by thanking you all once again for coming today?

I know it means a lot to Jenny, Kev and their families to see you all here. Another big thank you to the venue, the groomsmen Fraser and Pete, and the lovely bridesmaids Rachel and Emily for keeping things running smoothly. What a fantastic day it's been up to this point.

For those of you who don't know me, my name's Joff, it's short for Jonathan, not Joffrey – although my parents did turn out to be massive Game of Thrones fans.

I'm not a natural public speaker, and I have been a bit nervous about giving this speech, it's definitely not the first time today I've stood up sweating from a hot seat with a bunch of paper in my hands.

I've known Kev since we started our medical degree in 2005. The first time I met Kev he came up to me before a lecture and said “I saw you on the bus mate….I like your watch” so I shudder to think what his opening gambit to Jenny was.  At the time Kev was living in Castle Leazes, a halls of residence based on the architecture of a Swedish prison, and he remains to this day the only man from Ellington who can say he used to live in a castle.

After that first year we lived together until graduation, and I can tell you from previously witnessing the state of Kev's bedroom, I wasn't surprised at all when he told me he wanted to get married on a farm. From living with Kev, I'm also not surprised he wanted to get into respiratory medicine, because he experienced a lot of shortness of breath from his housemates, whenever they were next after him in the bathroom. And Jenny, I know you've had your lovely house together in Wylam for over a year now, but I wonder if you've ever experienced the pain of toenail clippings on the toilet seat that haven't quite made it into the bowl? Still though, saves on bin bags.

You'll all know Kev graduated in 2010, is a doctor, or a ‘respiratory physician’ as he likes to be known. But what you might not know about him is that he's also a murderer……..of the English language.

Throughout the years we've been treated to a series of his brutally beaten and mutilated common phrases that have come to be known as Kevisms. I'll give you an example: when witnessing someone freaking out about a coursework deadline, Kev leaned into to me and whispered conspiratorially “she's making a crisis out of a molehill”.

Keep your ear to the grapevine for more of those later.

One of the key duties of the best man is organising the stag do. Kev was really keen on going to Amsterdam, and it's not difficult to see why. He's a big art fan, and the famous Rembrandt painting The Nightwatch has just gone back on display at the Rijksmuseum, and he's well into his garden so the flower market would be perfect for picking up some bulbs.

SO after checking into our hostel right in the middle of the red light district, we went straight out to experience the local culture. It's probably best not to dwell too much on that, although for the curious I will be selling prints from the boot of my car during the ceilidh, and by prints I mean replica copies of Rembrandt's The Nightwatch.

A high point of one of the days was when we took Kev to an escape room experience, where he was locked in a room, and had to interpret a series of cryptic hints and clues, providing the correct answer under increasingly mounting pressure, to be able to escape unscathed. Isn't that a wonderful analogy for married life? Locked in a room, cryptic hints and clues, needing to provide the correct answer to escape unscathed. An example puzzler, Kev, might be – do you like my new haircut? Just remember the correct answer is always yes, unless the question is ‘why are there toenails in the toilet’?

And just to complete the key motto of the best man, ‘always look after the stag’, I managed to leave Kev at the train station when we went back to the airport. But let's not make a crisis out of a molehill, he arrived at the gate with plenty of time to spare.

So back to today, you're embarking on the beginning of a life together. If you ever argue, let me remind you Jenny, what you love about the man you married.

He's multitalented. You could definitely say he's no one horse trick. He can serenade you on the guitar, as long as your only request is the opening riff to Rebel Rebel by David Bowie. And if you're ever hungry, he can serve you up the best bowl of cereal with powdered milk you'll ever have.

He always knows exactly how to behave. In fact one wedding I went to with the happy couple, during the heartfelt and emotional speeches, I glanced across at Jenny, a tear rolling down her cheek at the beautiful sentiment, then I saw Kev, who was miming vomiting all over the table in full view of the other guests.

He has a great sense of proportion, and occasion. On his stag do, nine of us went out for a steak, and Kev suggested we get two bottles of wine. TWO BOTTLES one of us questioned – “well there are nine of us” was Kev's reply.

He's very careful with money, in fact there's only one occasion I remember in recent times when he was the first to get up at the bar. Just before Kev asked me to be his best man, I smelled a fox, because he offered to buy me a drink.

While he's loved and respected by everyone I know, it's purely platonic: he once, on a night out at university, went up to say a friendly hello to someone from his seminar group, who put her hand up in his face and said “I'm not that drunk”.

And finally he's modest; you could say he keeps his hands close to his chest. For instance, he once confided in me that he was the “Mr Big Balls” of bronchoscopy. Sorry Kev, your secret's out.

But I think that he does keep his hands close to his chest, apart from things he really cares about. When we both came back after the Christmas holidays at university, Kev said he'd met someone during the break, and I could tell how excited he was about you Jenny. It's very obvious even years later when I see you together, that that hasn't changed at all. You're a perfect couple, and, to use one more Kevism, on a scale of one to ten, you're going to have a very happy life together.