Speech by Jonathon Brown

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathon Brown
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen
My name is Jon and its been my pleasure,up till this point, to be M's best man.

I'd like to start by,on behalf of the bride and groom, thanking everyone for coming and sharing their special day with them ,in particular those who travelled long distances to be here
On behalf of my self though I kind of wished that most of you had stayed at home and made my job a whole lot easier – really though its great to see you all here to wish M and N the best on their big day and their life together.

Id also like to thank M on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words – I thinks you'll agree that they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.(this is what i had planned to say but as the groom spent most his speech blubbing he forgot to thank them so I inserted the following instead "I think we can all excuse M for forgetting to say thank you to the bridesmaids but I would like to say thank you on behalf of all of us for doing a great job today,though I'm sure letting M sweat those extra 15 mins wasn't Strictly necessary(they were late) but as you look so wonderful I'm sure M will forgive you….I certainly do!"

I first met M 15 years ago when we both worked for argos in their computer department and have remained firm friends ever since -a top bloke a better mate you couldn't want.
In all the time I've known M though he never been big on surprises but when he asked me to be his bestman I have to say it was it was a bit of a shock more than a surprise and I admit that I panicked a bit – as soon as he asked a thousand ways to say No politely started to rush around in my head and in my haste to pick out the best one I just blurted out
"Of course I'll do it mate – it'll be a pleasure"

The consequnces of that slip up only started to sink in slowly and I have since discovered that being asked to be best man can only be compared to being asked to make love to the queen mum – Its an honour but nobody really wants to do it
But when M told me how many people were coming today I made a few phone calls to the palace to check on the old girls availability but she's up in Balmoral this weekend so here I am!
M didn't tell me much about the wedding preparations up until the stage do…It was then that I discovered the three things M was looking for in a best man – not the three usual character traits normally associated – honesty, trustworthiness and reliability
No M's criteria were
Firstly,for blackmailing purposes as I discovered, that M should know more embarrassing stories about the best man than he knew about him
Secondly it has to be some one that will make M look good in the photos
And thirdly it has to be some one who is already married so there is no possibility of being asked to return the favour.
Well with those illustrious qualities fully adhered to can only say that its been an honour to be M's best man and a pleasure to go about my duties today

Most of them have gone OK as well – M was at the right church ,on time and sober
Ok so after a few stiff ones this morning – drinks that is – he probably wasn't legally sober but when the Vicar asked if anyone knew of any reasons why the marriage should go ahead he was sober enough not to put his hand up
I did have my worries about getting him to the church in the first place he was a bit nervous last night but apparently he slept like a baby – he kept waking screaming for his mum
This morning he was till a little apprehensive to I had to provide a few comforting words – I told him that N was a beautiful ,kind , caring and compassionate girl who deserved to be with a good man and that we'd better get down the church quick before she meets one by chance…
And with that we got changed in to our lovely outfits – I was glad they weren't kilts – not that I'm bothered about showing off my knees or anything – but its M's last chance to wear the trousers and he should make the most of it
Well we did make it to the church on time and for the most part I thought the ceremony went very smoothly and now M and N are now married for better or worse which is appropriate as M couldn't have done any better and N couldn't have done any worse
I have to say about N that a bride couldn't have looked more stunning and M …,well he couldn't have looked more stunned.

Of course the day didn't end there and one of my continuing duties has been the potentially delicate task of keeping all M's ex girlfriends at bay though this has been made a lot easier
Since the foot and mouth outbreak – those nice men from the ministry have quarantined most of them.
One of my other duties today is to share some embarrassing stories about M with you but due to the blackmailing that I mentioned earlier I'm afraid I cant actually tell them to you – which is unfortunate because.…

I cant tell you about the first time I met M and the lovely and highly fashionable perm that he was sporting at the time – a sort of blond Kevin keegan

I cant tell you about M's legendary DIY skills and the two dozen or so electric shocks he suffered when putting a ceiling fan up in his bedroom

I also cant tell you about M the party animal and the time he invited loads of people back to his place teed up the first CD on the pride and joy that was his new stereo whacked up the volume an promptly blew the speakers up – way to throw a party M

I also cant show you any embarrassing photos of mike which is a particular shame because I had a cracker of M when he was younger – he was lying stark naked on a fluffy sheepskin rug licking an ice lolly but it's probably for the best – he was 21 when it was taken
With that glorious picture planted in your minds I think i should move on and offer M the benefit of my ten years happy marriage and share a few secrets of success with him

Firstly – buy N flowers as often as you can
– that way when you buy her flowers because you feeling guilty about spending money on new brakes for the cosworth she wont notice the difference!

Secondly – set the ground rules and establish who's boss and then do exactly what N says

Thirdly – never be afraid that N will leave – she's spent three years training you already She's not just going to throw all that effort away lightly

And lastly never forget those three little words – your right dear

Finally i'd just like to say there are two people, who today, we have all took into our hearts, who mean a whole lot to us, and without them, this day would not have been the success that it has. Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your glasses, and join me in a toast, (short pause), the bar staff.
No, of course I am only joking, the two people to my left, M and N , a nicer, more suited couple you couldn't wish to meet. So can you please be upstanding and make one final toast to the future happiness of the loving couple.
To Mr and Mrs G.
The bride and groom