Speech by Jonny Stott

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonny Stott
Speech Date: Sep2004
Good afternoon Ladies, Gentleman, I hope you're all having a good time today. I certainly was until 10 seconds ago.

They say that the best man's speech is the worst 5 minutes of the groom's day – unfortunately for you Ali, your worst five minutes will probably come later tonight, after the disco has closed!

Firstly, on behalf of the Bride Ali and the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank John and Simon for their kind and thoughtful words.

I'm sure we all agree that not only does Ali looks spectacular that the bridesmaids look fantastic as well, and they have done a brilliant job today – not the least of which was getting Ali to the service – I understand she put up quite a struggle!

I would like to thank you all for coming today especially those of you that have travelled long distances.

For those of you that don't know me my name is Jonathan whatdoyoudrink and if you do approach me later please address me by my full name.

Now, I asked around for an idea of how long the Best Mans speech should last and the general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love.
So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience sit
get back up.

Now I know for sure that Simon for all his macho talk has been feeling a little worried too.

After following him into the toilet this morning, I had to pull this out the loo. produce a house brick!

I personally have known Simon for the best part of 25 years I will never forget our first introduction when I went home crying from St Annes Infants because a certain Simon Guilliatt had sunk his teeth into my neck, after I had stopped bleeding and our mothers had discussed the horror of events, it would be safe to say that we've been the best of mates ever since.

After leaving Hartland Comprehensive Simon was to embark on student life in Leeds, which we all know was just an excuse, as anyone who knew him in his teenage years will agree he was rather work shy and needed no excuses to make a beeline for his bed to catch a few ZZZZ's, he even went to hospital for an xray on his back to see if there was any work in it, this situation hasn't changed much preferring now to delegate most of his duties to his understudies at Halfords.

The other day I got a chance to speak to Simons boss. I asked him if he would like to comment on Simon the employee. He was quick to tell me Simon is known as ”God” at work.
Knowing Simon as I do, this surprised me until he explained the nickname arises because: @

You never see him
He makes his own rules
If he does any work, it's a bloody miracle!!

DRUNK TAIL

During our time together as mates we've got ourselves in plenty of trouble, not least with a certain Red Nissan Micra who by the time Simon had introduced himself to this car was confronted by a very unhappy owner, I won't go on any further, but its safe to say that the police were involved a certain amount of dog poo and large amounts of vodka and lime, but I am sure Simon will explain more later.

Simon this is indeed the happiest day of your life, well that's at least what Ali told me earlier! And so it should be, for you have married a very beautiful and intelligent girl. Ali is a lovely, warm and caring person and I think we all agree she deserves a good husband.… Fortunately for you Simon, you got in and married her before she found one!

I had a short discussion with Ali's dad John the other night, to get him to share some childhood memories of Ali.

His fondest memory was how he used to send her off to bed with a dummy at night…

WELL NO CHANGE THERE THEN !

But remember Ali, men are like fine wine @ they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Simon, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating then turn full@bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary eventually giving you a headache.

We are hear to celebrate a love match Pure &amp Simple, Ali is Pure and Simon is, well he's not Stephen Hawking.

Ali often used to complain about Simons sexual naivety. He still believes that mutual climax is an insurance company.

STAG

And now I would now like to talk in great detail about the Stag weekend in Amsterdam….… Pause and look at Simon……….but under advice of our lawyer I am not aloud to speak about it until the court case. But I glad to tell everyone that the donkey and chicken are doing fine and we have got the stain out of Simon trousers.

READING OF CARDS

I would just like to read a couple of late cards from people that couldn't make it today: @

Dear Simon, hope you have made the right decision, thinking of the long evenings spent around the swimming pool.

Love Michael Barrymore.

Simon, have a great day and wishing you all the best from all the girls in knitting class.

I'm beginning to wonder about you !!!

NEAR THE END

Myself, I have been lucky enough to be married for.… what seems like forever and would like to pass on some advice to Simon to keep the marriage running smoothly:

Remember, marriage is more than just an 8@letter word, it's a sentence.… And in this day age you get less for murder.

There are 3 rings in a marriage:
The wedding Ring
The suffer Ring
And the endu Ring

The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once!

And Simon, always remember these three magic words,

YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR !!

You will be glad to hear that as Best Man I only have a few more things to say.

Firstly the staff at The Bosworth Hall have asked me to request that, for Health and Safety reasons, none of you get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

FINAL TOAST

Finally I'd like to say to Simon that I have enjoyed our great friendship over the past 25 years or so, and know that this friendship will continue for the rest of our lives.

Thanks very much for listening Ladies and Gents, and thanks to Simon for choosing me, It's been an honour to be Best Man, I personally have had an excellent day so far, I hope you all have too.

Please join me in raising your glasses as I toast the happy couple…

Ali &amp Simon.