Speech by Jordan Brownlee

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jordan Brownlee
Speech Date: jun 2003
Hello ladies and gentlemen

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jordan and I am David's Best
man today. My full name is actually Jordan ‘would you like another pint’ so
if I meet anyone at the bar later I'd rather you called me by my full name.

I'm only speak for a few moments because of my throat, if I go on for too
long Emma said she'd cut it!!! Isn't is amazing how history repeats itself,
only a few years ago Emma's mum was sending her off to bed with a dummy, and
look, she's still going to bed with one!!!

Before I get on to David's character assassination there is a few things
that need to be said, firstly thanks to the bridesmaids who have been
fantastic today, secondly can I say on behalf of every bloke here how
gorgeous Emma looks today and a big thank you to David for asking me to be
his best man on what has been an emotional day, even the cakes in tiers!!!!!

I have to be honest and say that I'm a bag of nerves at the moment, in fact
its not the first time today I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of
paper in my hand!! David has also been very nervous today, here mate, you
left this in the toilet this morning (Hand David a brick). It's said that
being asked to make a best man speech is a bit like being asked to make love
to the Queen, a fantastic honour, but no-one really wants to do it!!

I've knew David since we were in our early teens although we never went to
the same school, therefore I had to rely on David's own account of himself
at school, therefore David was popular, intelligent, a good laugh, great a
sports and a bit of a hit with the ladies. This however contradicts an
account from an old school friend who said David was a skinny, idiot with
little sporting ability and no mates. Unfortunately that's not the only
negative comments I've heard. David has also been described as an annoying
little twat who never washes and still wets the bed and, let's face it;
no-one knows him better than his mum!! I also wanted to know if David's
ex-girlfriend had anything to say on his special day, unfortunately, since
the Foot and Mouth epidemic there is not many left.

We became really good mates as teenagers where David spent most weekends
drinking a bottle of cheap cider before falling asleep hugging the toilet,
and going by the stag weekend, its funny how some things never change. Now I
was going to embarrass David with some photos of him in a pub in Benidorm, I
think you know what I mean mate, but I decided not to take the photos in, in
case the get ruined, no, instead I got a T-shirt made up for Emma, I'm sure
you can all have a look later! (Hand Emma a T-shirt with a photo of the
groom getting naked in a pub embroiled on the chest)

A big thanks to all the lads who made the trip to Newcastle for a great
weekend. I can't give you any details of what happened as this is a family
occasion, like the bloke who woke up naked with painted nails and a face
full of talcum powder. It would be totally irresponsible of me to give you
his name as it would obviously embarrass him and probably ruin his wedding
day!! Oh and Ian, you still owe me 40 quid for them last two dances you had.

David however has done well for himself and joined the RAF in 2000 where he
moved to Oxford. According to an unknown RAF source working with David is
like working with God, you never see him and if he ever does any work it's a
bloody miracle!

I've now got a few cards I would like to read;

(Read genuine cards from friends and family)

"Dear David, I'll never forget you, it's a shame we couldn't work things
out, I've sent you a souvenir. Love Lisa." (Pull out card with massive pair
of pants attached)

"Dear David, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I just hope you've
made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore"

I'd just like to finish with a toast, to some people without whom today just
wouldn't be the same, Ladies and Gents…the bar staff!!!

Joking aside, it's been a fantastic, David, thank you very much for asking
me to be your best man it's been a pleasure. Please wish them all the best,
Ladies and Gents David and Emma.