Speech by Julian Fussell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Julian Fussell
Speech Date: sEP2005
Character Assassination

Good afternoon Ladies &amp Gentlemen! Some of you may of seen me directing operations at the front of the church today… however I want it on the record that for once I didn't touch the organ! And for those you I meet at the bar later… my name is ‘****, what are you drinking?’

For the safety of this table I am going to keep this short. However I'm not sure if the problem is traditional pre-speech nerves… or a recurrence of the bug I picked up in Egypt last week… either way things could work out badly for all of us… so I'd like to acknowledge valuable support of a new best friend… Imodium!

I should begin by thanking **** on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words… they also said you look very different sober!

And I must say that **** looks absolutely stunning… and **** doesn't look too bad himself… although I am a bit surprised that he copied my outfit!

Finally, I know **** and **** are really grateful that everyone has made the effort to join them on their special day, especially those who have travelled considerable distances… personally I think it is amazing what these Northerners will do for a free meal!

I think you'll agree that my first job of getting this man to the church on time and sober was a complete success. And as promised ****, I managed to limit him to just five pints last night… oh, and one portion of balls..
sweet, sour and chicken – just how he likes them!

On that note I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that unlike traditional best man speech's, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised ****, ****… and ****’s mum that if there is anything a little risqu&#233… I'll whip it out immediately!

And now for my second job! Ready mate?! SHOW PIC 1. My ‘friend’ **** was born on the 26th ***** 19**. Now, I did look for some historical event that also took place on this day… but could find nothing. However I have since heard that the staff at Glasgow Royal Infirmary have nicknamed the day… ‘Monkey Birth Tuesday’!

SHOW PIC 2 Anyone who has seen the groom in his birthday suit might think that the monkey jibe is cruel reference to his back and shoulders resembling those of a hairy Silverback Gorilla… however it is in fact a reflection of his unrivalled ability to climb up and over things… but more of that in a moment!

I first had the pleasure of meeting **** at ***** ****** Primary school SHOW PIC 3… and it was here that we learnt to laugh with him… as he took it upon himself to ignore our headmistress for the entire day… and laugh at him… as he tried to convince Sean that his Dad was in fact the Leeds Utd goalkeeper!

As I was saying **** has always enjoyed climbing… trees and as you can see hay bales being his favourites. However there was a time when he used a certain piece of school property as his very own chimpanzee's climbing frame… but looking back I am sure even **** would agree that clambering around on the roof of the brand new school mini-bus wasn't his greatest trick!

But **** has always thought of himself as the class comedian… even creating his own book, the very brilliantly entitled – ‘Jokes – Ha, Ha, Ha’ by **** ********.

SHOW SCHOOL JOKE BOOK… let me share with you one or two ‘classics‘…

I don't think Peter Kay needs to be overly concerned about the competition!

I'm sure you'll be interested to know that ‘jokes’ weren't the only thing
**** collected! He has had some of the finest collections of absolute rubbish anywhere in England… We are talking about enough tennis balls to stage a Wimbledon tournament… an assortment of rubber inner tubes that Dunlop would be proud of… more wine corks than you'd find in French cellar… and perhaps the best of all… there were those long freezing Sunday mornings he spent clambering through hedges and streams… searching for additions to possibly the most useless collection of all… over 500 ‘used… gun cartridges’!

**** got his first job as a village paperboy… which was important as he needed to fund our weekly trips to watch his favourite football club… which always happened to be the team winning that month! It was whilst delivering my parents newspaper he discovered the warming benefits of a tot or two of Wood's Navy Rum… SHOW PIC 4 although Mum, I'm not sure it was always necessary in sunny July and August!

Talking of football… is anyone else here so concerned about damaging their match programme… that they take a stamped addressed envelope to match… so they can post it home? No? It is just you then ****!

I do think it is great how **** has consistently managed to combine employment and alcohol! And never more spectacularly than whilst working as a ‘domestic’ at the local hospital. Picture the scene… it is Christmas Day and you are laid up in hospital away from your nearest and dearest and your only comfort is the glass of sherry you'll get with your hospital Christmas meal. Unless of course you have **** responsible for delivering it! The temptation of all that sherry proved too much and he promptly decanted 25 glasses into one water jug… and then downed the lot himself! I believe the patients did finally get their meal… and some of it was still on the plate!

And so to Sheffield University. It was nice to hear that whilst there **** didn't forget his roots… silver as they maybe!. I am of course talking about his love of climbing! Fuelled by umpteen cans of premium strength he took himself up the tallest tree he could find… and despite the pleas of the growing crowd beneath refused to come down… instead preferring to taunt them with a strange array of monkey noises! Eventually the Sheffield Fire Brigade were called out… and having arrived lights flashing, they raised their ladder to rescue him… at which point, and much to the annoyance of two firemen, ‘laughing boy’ decided to climb down and run off!

You'll be interested to know that the Fire Brigade aren't the only emergency service **** has enjoyed winding up. Following an all day ‘sightseeing’
session in London, **** ended up falling asleep on a train and missing his connection home.… eventually finding himself detained at Her Majesty's pleasure… for his own safety!

I bet they wished they had left him on the streets however… you have to feel for the poor police officer who spent the entire night requesting “Mr *******, please lay on your front“. Only to receive the same retort in his finest Dale Winton voice… “I'm on my back again Officer… and I demand a room with a view“!!
So, **** eventually met the stunning and calming influence of ****… and this did much to save him from the constant harassment and teasing of little brother ****** about ‘when he was going to get a girlfriend?’ SHOW PIC 5 However as you can see… he was obviously waiting for the right girl!

I'm told it was after a little ‘Dutch courage‘, that the old romantic eventually chose the picturesque Sheffield Students Union to ask **** out…
I also find it rather amusing that the cruel jibes of my little brother eventually came back to haunt him… but the story of *****, Dirty Harry and that pot of marmite is probably best discussed at the bar!

In ****, I believe **** has found his soul mate. SHOW PIC 6 Somebody who also enjoys the finer things in life… cultural holidays, long country walks, a love of music… and of course the drunken nights in the Beau Nash pub, Chinese takeaway's… and by the looks of that picture the same hairdresser!

And so to their special day… although I'm still wondering how I ended up with this role! SHOW PIC 7 Could it be the gracious way I once ‘let’ him throw me fully clothed into the River Stour… or perhaps it is my reluctant involvement in one of his favourite pastimes… the old English art of Nude Wrestling!

Oh, meant to say earlier ****, SHOW PIC 8 I did get round to sorting out that subscription you wanted… to the Kent Nude Wrestling Association!
Looking at it I am sure there is a ‘Countdown Conundrum’ in there!

I think you'll agree that this speech shows that **** can rely on me! Which reminds me of the time he recently tried to recharge a flat battery on ****’s car. Without thinking the process through, Captain Calamity here instantly released the handbrake… ignoring the fact the it was parked on a slight hill. He then had to watched in horror as ‘****’s black Italian sports car’ gently rolled down the slope… into the back of his neighbours parked car! We did eventually managed to manoeuvre the car back up the slope… leaving **** really pleased about the fact his neighbours would never find out… oh… unless they are here now?!

I am now drawing to a close… and just have time to read out a couple of messages from close friends, who, despite the offer of a free meal and booze couldn't be here today…

READ TELEGRAMS

1. Sorry Monkey Boy, we cant help you out of this one! The Sheffield Fire
Brigade

2. We are sorry your wife declined our offer of catering for your special day… but are pleased to offer special discount to all guests… see you at
midnight! That's from Mei Mei Chinese Takeaway

3. Oh, and finally, from ****’s hero, Morrissey… To the Last Of the International Playboys.. We could have been so good together… I think he has included this for you to take on your honeymoon!

But seriously it has been a really great honour to be involved in this special day – SHOW PIC 9 of course my particular highlight was ensuring that **** was able to enjoy the beautiful sights of Ljubljana… dressed in an equally beautiful floral dress! Although as you can see he did seem to enjoy it just a little too much!

It now gives me great pleasure, and not to mention relief… to invite you all to charge your glasses, be upstanding, and join me in a toast to the bride and groom… **** &amp ****!