Speech by Julian Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Julian Taylor
Speech Date: oct 2003

Cards

Dear Crawford, congratulations on your wedding to Lynne; may you have many years of happiness, from all the staff at seventh heaven.

Lynne, it's not too late, I would have you back in an instant, from George Clooney.

Crawford, it's not too late, I would have you back in an instant, from Dale Winton

Well, Ladies and Gentleman, firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Crawford for his kind words. I am sure you will all agree with me how beautiful and charming they look today.

I feel I should introduce myself; my name is Julian and as I am sure you realize I am not of this land; indeed I hail from the fine English county of Norfolk, home of Bernard Matthews and Alan Partridge and birthplace of amongst others, John from Big Brother, Lord Nelson and Chris Sutton. There are two reasons why I am telling you this; firstly, as I look around this room I see about as many familiar faces as Martin O'Neil does new trophies at Celtic Park this year. Secondly, it is an old Norfolk tradition that on his wedding day, the groom should have returned to him anything he may have lost over the years. So if anyone has anything to return, please do so now.

It has now been a year since Crawford asked me to be his Best Man on this most special of all days. It came as a great surprise, though also an honour, to be asked. On the other hand, the announcement he had got engaged in the first place was no surprise at all. I had never met any of Crawford's previous girlfriends; I thought that was just me, until when talking to other people I realized that no-one else had ever met them either. Then I can remember shortly after Lynne and Crawford started seeing each other, he suggested that we all go out to dinner. I remember telling my wife, Phyllis, that Crawford had met the woman he was going to marry.

“Why” she asked me.

“Because we are all going out on Saturday night," I replied

“Oh, I see”, she said

Time went on and Crawford gradually came round to the idea of popping the question. His first attempt was to be just after last years Scottish Cup final; he planned to give her a card with his proposal written beautifully within it, flowers attached and a gourgeous ring. However, I had to stop him as I didn't think she would appreciate the verse:

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue

Rangers 3, Celtic 2.

A couple of months later he did finally pluck up the courage to ask Lynne over dinner. I understand he was pretty nervous; I don't know why, because Lynne was always going to say “yes”.

A month or so after that he asked me to be his Best Man. This is the fifth time I have performed this service and I now have more pairs of cufflinks than H Samuel. However, the last time was some ten years ago and as such I thought I had better refresh myself with my duties. I was astonished by some of the things, that by tradition, I am supposed to perform:

Duty 1

Bring a cheque book or credit cards for those payments the groom may have forgotten. However, I also needed someone with the necessary skills to sniff out the minutest detail that needed paying for, the slightest thing that had been missed; someone who could spot an opportunity to spend my money in a way not obvious to mere mortals; so I brought my wife aswell.

Duty 2

Ensure that on his stag night, particularly if it is close to the wedding, that the groom does not fall upon any unfortunate incident. The two problems here are that Crawford holds about as much drink as you get in one of those miniatures on a plane (I call him Larry Lightweight) and that most of the other guests at the stag night occupied the pack of Cartha first 15.

Now at this stage I have a small confession to make about my own stag night some ten years ago; Crawford was so drunk that he believed one of my friends wife, a lady called Margaret, who dropped us at my house was a taxi driver; he was amazed that she knew the way to “Jools house” , he insisted on paying her, even though she had forgotten to put the meter on and was shocked to be sitting next to her at our reception. Well, Crawford, I was thinking it was about time I gave you the £5.00 back. However Margaret was so traumatized by the whole experience that she now lives on the Falkland Islands, so I am keeping it.

Duty 3

Help the groom dress; This is the first time I have ever worn highland dress so Crawford ended up helping me; mind you, I now realize the reason why Russians don't wear kilts.

Duty 4

Ensure the groom's trouser fly is done up!

(Pause)

Duty 5

Ensure all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay, as they are about as welcome as my sneezy uncle from Hong Kong. As I have never met any of them, I don't know what they look like. Fortunately the foot and mouth crisis of 2001 helped me on this matter.

Duty 6

Remember the three core elements of the marriage service:

The aisle – the longest walk you'll ever take.

The altar – where two become one

The hymn – the celebration of the marriage.

I think Lynn must have been reading the same books as me, as I clearly heard her saying as she walked towards Crawford “aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn”

Another one of a Best Man's duties is perhaps somewhat underrated; anyone who has got married will probably agree that the time between engagement and wedding can be very stressful and it is easy to lose sight of the fact that you are working towards the most important day of your adult life. The Best Man must be there to give a sympathetic ear to both parties and be impartial during this time. One such incident occurred just before Christmas when Crawford and Lynne were trying to decide where to live. I had to speak with Crawford many times on this matter and try as I could to sit on the fence, I had to take Lynne's point of view on this; there was, after all, no way that Crawford could expect Lynne to move in with him and his parents.

Crawford Allan Nimmo was born on September 7 1967, the only child of Alasdair and Catherine Nimmo. They described him as a lovely child, however he did have a habit of only taking a small amount of his bottle and then falling asleep; a habit he has kept for the rest of his life.

At school he had two passions, Rugby and music, and two heroes, He dreamed of playing the guitar like Jimi Hendrix and Rugby like Andy Irvine. Unfortunately, he ended up playing the guitar like Andy Irvine and Rugby like Jimi Hendrix. After school he went to work for D&A as a dispensing optician, where I first met him in 1990. After many years of hard work, he qualified and managed many prestigious shops for them.

A few years back Crawford brought his own business in Motherwell and shortly after a second in Wishaw. Over the years he has demonstrated many of the attributes associated with having your own business; long holidays, weekends off and never letting his work get in the way of his hobbies, particularly music and skiing. In fact Lynne, a highly talented and qualified ski-instructor herself, describes his love-making as being like his skiing; he rams his feet in the bindings, fumbles down the mountain for a bit and has run out of snow before everyone else has even got started!

Over the past thirteen years I have got to know Crawford very well, during that time he has become one of my closest friends. The only thing that was missing from his life was a partner, a sole-mate, a focus. I said earlier that I had never met any of Crawford's girlfriends before Lynne; one of the reasons for that was he kept dumping them for what were sometimes rather fatuous reasons; they had a funny laugh or their eyes were too close together. I used to call him Chandler and Phyllis would comment that in an attempt to find a hat, he was letting all the caps go by. Well he waited and waited and in the end his hat, in the form of Lynne, appeared. At the risk of paraphrasing that old chestnut normally left for the bride's father, we do not feel that we have lost a friend, but gained one. May they have many years of happiness together.

Thank you for listening to me today; I have one more duty to perform, and that is to toast the parents of the bride and groom. Ladies and Gentleman, the toast is the parents.