Speech by Julian Tree

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Julian Tree
Speech Date: oct 2004

Intro

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen for those I haven't already met, I am the best man, Julian “would you like a drink” just let me repeat that for you in case you didn't hear at the back, it's Julian “would you like a drink!”

If you feel like a chat you'll find me be at the bar later!

I will try to keep this speech brief as I am reliably informed a best mans speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love

(look at watch)…………..so thank you and enjoy the rest of the evening!

SIT DOWN & WAIT

Seriously though can I start by thanking Richard for his kind words about the bridesmaids who have looked absolutely radiant today………….They were only outshone by Joanne who looks absolutely stunning……………….whereas Richard just looks stunned!

DUTIES

When Richard asked me to be best man I did a bit of research into the ceremony and traditions involved. I discovered three key elements to the service………

The Aisle……..… It's the longest walk you'll ever take!
The Alter…….… The place where 2 become 1!
The Hymn…….… A carefully selected vocal celebration of the
Marriage!

I'm sure Joanne's been reading the same book as me. At the alter today I'm sure I heard her saying over and over “I'LL ALTER HIM, I'LL ALTER HIM!”

Talking of the church while I was standing there today I couldn't help thinking how funny it is the way history repeats itself…………………
I mean all those years ago Janet and Brian used to put Joanne to bed with a dummy and here they are doing it again!

RICHARD

Anyway as I said I've done a bit of research and now is when I'm supposed to embarrass the Groom! Most of you probably don't know but 2 years ago Richard was my best man!

Ah revenge!!!!!!!!!!!!

Richard despite the miles between your parents and myself plans have been laid and a little keep sake has journeyed with your parents from Spain! (Unveil collage of Richard's childhood)

Ladies and Gents feel free to view the pictures throughout the evening…………… All I can say is I hope you have strong stomachs!

Richard's Mother Val tells me he was so ugly as a baby the morning sickness came after he was born!

Apparently they tied a bone round his neck so the dog had something to play with! Val assure me the only reason there are no other McDonnell's is because of what a terror Richard was!

I didn't meet Richard until 16 years ago when we both lived in the Police Section House in Tottenham. Although we worked at different police stations we regularly drank together at The Coolbury Club. This was a mere 5 minutes walk from our abode and you would think ideally placed for a couple of young bachelors on the prowl.

Unfortunately the only thing either of us took home was Donna (Doner) …… Before you get any weird ideas about threesomes I'm referring to the kebab!

As you probably know Richard hails from the West Midlands. The best part of 17 years in London have mellowed his accent somewhat, but back then in Tottenham…… a different story. Does anybody remember THE PIPKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was

Tortoise who looked after the money
Pig the inventor
Topov the Monkey who was always up to mischief
Then there was Richard, sorry I mean Hartley Hare (Do Accent) , Hartley was a brummie and talked just like Richard……..so needless to say Richard was renamed Hartley!
Now I hear you ask what did Hartley do? Hartley thought he was the boss. Notice I say thought! Everybody else let him carry on thinking just that, whilst they made all the important decisions right under his nose!

Speaking as a married man, I can't help thinking there's a parody for the years to come there Richard!

Also whilst living in London Richard had an affliction for driving back to Birmingham to watch his beloved….… Aston Villa!!! The poor lad, so many depressing trips back to London, no wonder his hair fell out!

Anyway Richard as a gesture of goodwill I've arranged to have a series of memorable Villa moments shown on the television in the bar next door. If anybodies interested just ask the bar staff to pop the TV onto Cartoon Network!

As the years passed Richard and I moved out of the section house and changed police stations. We still stayed in touch and of course drank together regularly. The new venue being “Bad Bobs” near Covent Garden, oh and Doner was there too!

After some time the phone calls from Richard slowed to a trickle…… but being a great detective I didn't notice. Then early one Saturday morning my wife, Jenny, was on her way to work and popped into Tesco's for a Sandwich………….(I did think about changing that to Waitrose but I'm not posh enough to fool you all!)

Anyway as she was arriving she saw a certain Richard departing and he wasn't alone!!!!!!! Jenny frantically grabbed for her mobile and told me she had seen Richard leaving Tesco's with a tall attractive lady with long blonde locks!………….and a carrier bag with the ingredients for a full English Breakfast!

After telling Jenny she shouldn't be driving when she was drunk I assured her she must be mistaken as this was Richard we were talking about!

Needless to say I was soon on the phone and Jenny's sighting was confirmed! Amazing, Richard had found a tall beautiful, educated, intelligent and caring lady, A lady we all know as Joanne. And Joanne had found, well …….She had found Richard.

GOOD STUFF

Being Serious for just a few moments I can honestly say it has been my privilege to know Richard these last 16 years. I always believe you find out who your real friends are when you turn to them for help.

I can certainly say during those 16 years I have had my fair share of problems. Some people I considered friends weren't there when I needed their help and they fell by the wayside. As I'm standing here to day it is fair to say Richard wasn't one of them.

Richard knows the true meaning of friendship. That involves being there in both the good times and the bad. He has supported me and been there to listen when I have needed someone to talk to. He has put himself out without thought for himself. I can say without hesitation I'm proud to have him as a friend. I can assure Joanne, although she probably knows already, she has married a very special man.
ANY TELEGRAMS READ OUT

ADVICE

Before we move to the toast I believe it is customary for the best man to offer a few words of wisdom..… as I said earlier I've only been married 2 years myself so I haven't got any wisdom to offer instead I came up with a few light hearted quotes about love and marriage!

Before marriage, a man lies awake all night thinking about something his “wife to be” said. After marriage he falls asleep before she's finished saying it!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste!

Men have a much better time of it than women. They marry later and die earlier!

When a man opens the door of the car for his wife either the car is new or the wife is!

Bigamy is having one wife too many, Monogamy is the same.

Lastly a short poem that proves all you really need in life is love……….…

It is love that fashions us into the fullness of our being
-not our looks
-not our wants
-not our achievements
-not our parents
-not our status
-not our dreams.
These are all the fodder and the filler, the navigating fuels of our lives
But it is love
Who we love
How we love
Why we love and that we do love which ultimately shapes us.

Ladies and Gentleman please be upstanding and raise your glasses for the brides and groom, Richard and Joanne McDonnell.