Speech by Justin & Chris

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Justin & Chris
Speech Date: dec 2004
Bride and Bride Groom, Ladies and Gentlemen…….… every now and again we have the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honor – a man of achievement and action, with penetrating intellect and who is obviously destined for better things…………………Not today though, because this speech is about Dan.

On behalf of The Maid of Honor, Melizta, and the two bridesmaids, Harley and Daisy, I'd like to thank Dan for his kind comments and their gifts. It's a pleasure to speak on behalf of such nice people, and I'm sure you'll all agree – they all look fantastic today and have done a great job.

There's no doubt that our role as best men is going better than expected already, starting with last night, it was our duty to make sure that on Dan's last night of freedom he was put safely to bed…..and not on the overnight Eurostar to Paris.

Well we can assure you all that he was in bed nice and early and slept like a baby…………….he wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his mummy.

And as far as this morning goes, we managed to get Dan to the church on time……….and that's unusual for Dan…..… Not just going to church but actually being punctual for once.

The only problem we've seen so far is that Dan and Stacey had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide who to put where. So Dan, in his true fashion, decided to link it to the wedding present list; He decided to put those who brought the biggest items nearest the front, and work back from there……………So Ryan (pause and look around at the back for Ryan) Dan and Stacey wanted to say thanks for the oven glove!
But, Ladies and Gentlemen, I must remember that we've been asked to praise Dan today, not to bury him…………mind you, I must admit, the decision was close!

Now I know its traditional at this stage for the best man to go on about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had, but quite frankly I don't want to go into all that. I find such macho male talk un-called for and offensive to the bride…………suffice to say though Dan, (while turning to look at him) 73 turned out to be your lucky number!

You see the thing is, Dan has been a good mate to the pair of us now for over twelve years. We've both been close friends, and partners in crime on numerous occasions, and in the quieter moments, a trusting friend to whom he tell anything to……….which, fortunately, has provided us with ample material for this speech.

Starting from the very beginning, Danny was born in Barnet on 11th July 1974, We did try to link this will some big world event, but it seems that nothing else happened on this day………….the day the staff at the Maternity Ward refer to as ‘Monkey Birth Tuesday.’

When doing the research for this speech, speaking to his parents, I expected there to be the usual choice of stories about Dan's miss-haps as a child, but to my shock there were none. When I spoke to his mother about his younger years, she described him as an ‘angel’. Going onto his schooling years, he was said to be a star pupil, with one teacher actually quoting “I wish we could have more like Dan”

For a while, I couldn't believe this was the same person, as in all the time I knew him at college he was certainly no pet of the tutor's. He got thrown out of Mr Dowsing's computer class so many times, that the tutor eventually used to take pre-emptive measures by throwing him out before the class even started….on the rare occasions he actually turned up that is!

Dan regularly arrived late for lessons, and used to give a variety of excesses, but my all time favourite is when he returned late from lunch having been to the local pub, and claimed he had been held hostage in a Turkish Hairdressers in Borehamwood High Street.

After a bit of digging about I managed to find one of his old college reports, I read and was actually quite surprised, it sad “Dan is an ideal pupil who excels in most subjects”……………………..oh hang on a minute it said “Dan is an idol pupil who's been expelled in most subjects”

It's fair to say that at college, Dan wasn't just falling behind…….he was actually getting lapped.

College wasn't his only interest though, during his teenage years, he had a part time job to fill in all those hours he WASN'T at college……………Well, When I first met Dan he was renowned for his meat and for always giving the fat birds a right stuffing – the meat department was where we both worked and stuffing the Christmas turkeys in a big freezer round the back of Safeway's supermarket was Danny's job.

Surprisingly, those who know Dan well enough, know he has never been one of life's workers…..Our shift used to finish at 8:30, but by this time he was long gone. At the finish time, the closest sight of Dan was his green apron hanging up and the tyre marks where he had sped off an hour or so earlier in his bright green fiesta.

During this time, Dan's collection of cars hasn't been the most desirable. Over the years he's managed to make his parents driveway look like a grave yard of old cars, with some classics including the beige fiesta with which enhanced his macho image by having a real flower set inside the gear knob. Then there was his bright metallic green fiesta which he doubled in value once by fitting new hubcaps, and last but not least was the £800 BMW which, although it looked a bit better than the others, it clearly just image as it never run.

When we spoke to Stacey, she remembers the green fiesta. When Dan drove it, he would guess the amount of petrol needed for the journey and fill it up as appropriate, this would normally be perhaps £2 or £2.50. Stacey remembers on at least two occasions having to push the car to the side of the road where it had run out of fuel.

In addition, Dan had many other ‘cost saving’ ideas, which included using the handbrake instead of the foot brake to save money on break pads, and regularly taking the corners extra wide to get maximum wear out of the cheap re-moulds.

None of this surprised us a great deal as Dan seems to have worked quickly through his single years, earning a reputation for having short arms and deep pockets, if there's anyway Dan could save a few quid, you could be sure he'd do it regardless of the outcome.

I once remember arranging the usual lad's holiday, as the organiser, there was some changes being made which affected the price. As the price went up by £20, I knew the only person I would have to ring would be Dan. As I informed Dan of the price increase and asked if it was ok, he would give me the usual response – a few minutes of er and ums. I'll
get back to ya !! Then some three hours later he would call back after checking he couldn't find it cheaper on Ceefax.

Another example of his ‘tight fistedness’ was the time when he bought Stacey some flowers to celebrate their anniversary a couple of years back. For the anniversary, knowing Stacey's love of fresh flowers, he decided to look around the local florists. Having done this, he decided the best place to go was Tesco's. Here he brought the best bouquet of flowers for the least amount of money. Happy with his purchase, he returned home and presented Stacey with the flowers, to which she replied “Well we wont need to put these in water will we Dan?” Unknown to Dan, he had bought plastic flowers. In typical fashion, Dan decided to get try and get his money his back on the flowers, although according to Stacey, the flowers actually spent the next twelve months sitting in the boot of the car.

But one of Dan's most famous traits is without any doubt he complete indecisiveness, he cannot make any decision – hence two best men !!!

Trying to pin him down to any specific date is a nightmare. If you want to go out with him for a night, you tell him the date and what's on but you've got no chance of getting a straight answer on that day. The usual format is he says he'll get back to you, but he doesn't so you have to ring him back, remind him about it again, he'll then say he hasn't had a chance to ‘speak to the others’ and see what else is on. Basically, if you can get an answer out of him within two or three house of the proposed event, you're doing well.

Another thing we've found about Dan, especially recently, is that he is a bit of a hypochondriac – there's always something wrong with him. In the last year or so alone, he's had an injured ankle, shoulder, back, neck and elbow – not to mention a string of colds, sniffs, and general complaints …………… He's now so full of penicillin, every time he sneezes he cures someone else.

So if you ever want to ruin his day, just tell him how healthy he looks.

Now Talking of sports, Dan is quite competitive, in fact VERY competitive. He and I have recently taken up squash. We have been going every Thursday for about four months, until just recently. We play for about an hour. Now for me, being the only exercise I've ever done, it's a bit like running a marathon each time. Danny ALWAYS wins – not even giving me a sniff of taking a game. Until, that is, when I got the latest, most expensive squash racket. So the following week down we go……….This time I'm playing, I mean REALLY playing. I'm a point from winning my first game, it's my final serve, the match point, and there was no return……no, just him screaming in pain. Dan had twisted his ankle – it was game over!

Although having said that Dan is a bit of a tough guy…………………..yeah??..… every time we go ten pin bowling he bowls over arm!!

Anyway, moving onto the recent Stag night; just so you all know – a group of eleven of us went away to Ibiza for the weekend.

Now I think here Dan was hoping we'd use a bit of discretion when it came to drawing on the details for this speech, but don't worry – not a chance!

He had to fulfil a number of challenges throughout the day, the first one of which was to run into the sea in just his underwear. Now as he ran back out of the sea and across the beach – it was at this point that I realised that Stacey must have married him for his charm and cute looks ………..even that or it was a lot colder in that sea than we thought!!

Then, dressed as a wizard, it was onto the night club that evening where there was no stopping him. He was straight onto that dance floor without a care for anything……..including rhythm and style!!

Throughout the night the challenges continued…..were set by the group. He was dressed as the wizard and we were in matching t-shirts as the timekeepers making sure he met all of his challenges, which included; convincing at least two girls that he was the 2002/3 break dancing champion by showing his moves including body popping and backspins in a busy restaurant.

Another challenge was having to walk around the busy promenade only being able to say “I cannot discuss this suit, I am the wizard to passers by”

The best one of all was where he had get as many passers by in to a bar as possible in the space of ten minutes, claiming it was called ‘Wizard World’. Now Dan done well here, he managed to get some twenty people – plus into the bar in the first 3 minutes. But unbeknown to us, the tactic he used was to tell all the people that it was free drinks all night to help him achieve his goal……………Unfortunately this challenge ended abruptly – as Dan was shouting out “Just tell them the wizard sent you”, the manager had come out angry that a number of people had complained there was no free drinks………….We had to leave the area quickly as the last thing I heard was that the police had been called!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we won't keep you too much longer so we'll move to some advice for the newly married couple:

Dan, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell tail signs in your relationship……….like if you see the milkman wearing your socks.

Dan, just remember; it only takes a couple of words mumbled in church and you're married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you're divorced!

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we finish, there are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible – and the great thing is, as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast………….to the bar staff

Thanks for listing to our speech this afternoon….and as I said to the woman I lost my virginity too, thanks for laughing. All joking aside, Dan you're a great guy and an excellent friend to both of us – We both remember so many laughs and good times we've had, I'm sure there will be many more to come. Thanks for giving us the opportunity, privilege, and honour of being you're Best Men.

Stacey you make a beautiful wife and I'm confidant you will make each other very happy. Let me just say from our perspective, Stacey couldn't be marrying a better man, and Dan couldn't be marrying a better woman. We are both extremely happy to have you both as friends.

So may your love be modern enough to survive the times, yet old Fashioned enough to last forever.

All that left then in to say (looking at Dan and Stacey) Dan and Stacey, well done, congratulations and we really do wish you all the very best for your future together.