Speech by Justin Crumplin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Justin Crumplin
Speech Date: Apr2005
Scott, Lauren, Family of the bride and groom, those few Ladies and Gentlemen, relatives, in-laws and outlaws, friends, friends of friends, and freeloaders: As Ian has so kindly said my name is Justin and I am the best man. For those that don't know me, the people that do will probably tell you you're very lucky! I'm sure you'll agree that so far this has been a great wedding celebration, but every silver lining has its cloud…

Whilst researching my speech I remembered the advice of an old English teacher, who said… “Speaking in public is like walking into a nudist camp, it's only hard for the first couple of minutes!”

He also said, “A good speech should be like a mini-skirt – short enough to be interesting, yet long enough to cover the essential bits.” Therefore, with the aforementioned in mind I promise to keep my speech: … Interesting!

I have tried to memorise the speech but please forgive me if I look at my notes every 5 seconds. In fact, I'm probably as nervous as Scotty was this morning – you left this in the loo mate.… [Hand Scott a brick]

One of the bar staff noticed how nervous I was, so they helped me out with a few lines. I felt great straight after I snorted them! [Wipe nose]

The big question is why did Scotty choose me to be his best man? Was it…

a) He knows I have a shocking memory and hoped I wouldn't remember any stories,

b) He hoped I would be inebriated and you wouldn't understand a word I was saying,

c) He needed someone to make him look good in the wedding photo's or

d) He's trying to set me up with one of the bride's maids!

I don't know! He did however tell me if I did a good job, I could be best man at his next wedding!

The weather has been fantastic and if you were wondering, why Scott and Lauren chose this venue for the reception, I asked Scotty and he said he'd “never had a bad fu… [Pause] …function here”, so here we are.

Before I continue, I must just pass on a health and safety message from the Avianto Hotel manager, if you could please refrain, from standing on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

Now apparently… I'm supposed to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his Good qualities.… Unfortunately, Ladies and Gentlemen… I can't sing and I won't lie… I will however spend five minutes trying to embarrass him a little… although to be fair, Scotty can do a pretty good job of that himself!

I met Scott Sherwood Gilmour at Milnerton High School. Unfortunately, as I was a childhood genius, I wasn't in Scott's remedial classes. However, I've been told that he was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects – Sorry that should read He was an IDLE pupil who was EXPELLED from most subjects! I remember him asking our guidance teacher what he'd be when he left school. I believe the response was “about 24”.

To find out more about the young Scott Gilmour I was forced to speak to his parents. I went to Ian, Scott's dad and asked him if he had any cute pictures of little Scotty as a youngster. I got a very puzzled look and this confused reply.… “Pictures yes, cute no!”

It was during the chat to Scott's mom, that I managed to find out one interesting piece of information. Apparently, Scott was a bit of an ugly duckling when he first came into the world. So much so that his mother only started getting morning sickness AFTER he was born!

I must point out, to those of you who don't know, “Deveroon” is Scott's nickname. It comes from some TV show Scotty Deveroon or something like that; anyway, most of us just call him “Devs.”

Devs often takes pleasure in boasting about his sporting prowess, not just at school but also at club level. After speaking to a few of his Joberg connections, I have learnt that he had been brassing again! Therefore, for the benefit of his new mates I will now confirm his, INDEED legendary sporting prowess. For instance, our school cricket records were single handedly re-written by one SS Gilmour, many of which still stand today:-

Shortest time at the crease.

Most catches dropped in an over (and in a match.)

Most wides bowled in an over.

The list is endless!

Rugby was however, Devs first love but it has taken its’ toll on our boy, with a series of career-threatening injuries. First there was the collarbone, then the ankle, then the knee…but none were as traumatic or painful… as the six days he spent in Groote Schuur Hospital's ‘Premature Ejaculation Unit’! Apparently, it was ‘touch and go’ at one stage!

After school, Devs spent a couple of years at the University of Cape Town. His Lecturers called him “God” because he was rarely seen and when he did some work, it was a bloody miracle!

After finishing his degree at UCT our boy started working with his father at Target Steel, a major player in the steel construction business in the Western Cape, well that's what his dad recons, anyway!

After achieving all there was to achieve in the construction game our boy decided to challenge himself further by doing his MBA. He took it way to seriously and aced the darn thing. I think he was trying to impress Lauren.

Oh yah, it was at around that time that Scott and Lauren met. Lauren was a great sport and slotted in nicely with his mates. She definitely added a touch of class to our boy, especially his wardrobe.

Before I go on I must mention and I mean MUST mention how stunning Lauren looks today – Scott really has come out on top of the for better or worse deal – because he couldn‘t have done any better and Lauren certainly couldn't have done any worse.

Two or three months ago, Lauren phoned me and stressed that if I mention anything about ex boyfriends or girlfriends – my chances of fathering children will be significantly reduced! This most definitely restricted a lot of my material. Therefore, I can't mention Dean, Collin, Mike, or Brian, or she will kill me. She also said that if I mention anything about the oil wrestling, gambling, male strippers or the tattoo on her bum she wouldn't be too happy either – so I won't!

You can't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean some 20 odd years ago Lauren's mother sent her to bed with a dummy and here today she is doing it again!

Time for a drink. I believe it is one of my duty's to toast the bride's maids. The fact that Lauren has chosen you to be her bride's maids makes you very special people – [raise glass] to _________ & _________ the bride's maids.

My other duty, before Deveroon explained to me what it meant, could have led to some embarrassment. Fortunately, he pointed out that being the “ring bearer” was not the same as bearing your ring. This could however still happen, it just depends on how much I drink tonight and who's holding the camera.

Besides turning up and marring the Bride, the Groom's job description included selecting a Best Man. Someone who was resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems. As you can see, Scott's obviously an excellent judge of character.

Now today, being called best man is somewhat of a paradox, for today truly belongs to only one man and that's you Scott. No matter the size and generosity of the thoughts, tokens and gestures provided to you today you have already attained the greatest gift a man could wish for… the love of a woman as beautiful, loving and as caring as Lauren. In life, it's difficult to imagine Romeo without Juliette, Nelson without Graca, Ozzie without Sharon, Homer without Marge and of course Scott without Lauren.

Now on a serious note, it has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, anyone who believes this knows very little about women or fractions. Therefore, Scott and Lauren, I feel I can't stand here and let the two of you commit to married life without offering a bit of sage advice for the years that lie ahead:

You don't marry someone you can live with; you marry the person you cannot live without.

The remote control is Scott's and Scott's alone.

Lauren remember men are like fine wine, it's a woman's job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

Scott – if you and Lauren ever have a disagreement, ask yourself this question: “do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?”

Now it gives me great pleasure not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Scott and Lauren, the new Mr and Mrs Gilmour.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sunshine warm upon your face
May your wedding days be few and your anniversaries many.

And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

By the way I'm expecting an emotional speech from Mr Gilmour – Look the wedding cake is already in tears!

I've heard that the groom's speech should last as long as it takes him to perform his husbandly duty in bed… but as Scott has one or two people to thank it might take a second longer!

Thank you all for listening and enjoy the rest of the proceedings!