Speech by Justin John

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Justin John
Speech Date: oct 2003
Props – box containing:
Stack of paper tied with string
Photos of Bert from Sesame Street
Cards
Envelope with money

Thank you, Roger, for your kind words.

Before I start, I have a couple of announcements to make:

Firstly, I would like to thank the bridesmaids for doing such a
wonderful job today, I'm sure you'll all agree they look lovely today.

Secondly, I would like to thank everyone for being here today and
sharing Roger and Caroline's special day. In fact, while we've been
sat eating I've been looking around the room, and I surprised at just
how far some people will travel for a free meal!

I'm not a seasoned public speaker as you can probably tell, and I
didn't know what to say today. I was going to do the usual best man's
stuff, like … when Roger was a baby he was so ugly they had to tie
a bone around his neck so the dog would play with him .… but I
didn't really want to do that, because it's having a laugh at Roger's
expense, and we've all been doing that all his life anyway.

But before I start the traditional assassination of Roger's character
– assuming he has one of course, I would like to say how lovely
Caroline looks today … Roger, you have found a beautiful, loving,
caring woman … and Caroline, you have found, well, Roger. Seriously
though, you deserve a good husband, and we are so happy that you
married Roger before you found one.

I met Roger over 7 years ago, and my life has been hell ever since.
He uses many words to describe me, but never before has he used the
word ‘best’, but today, that is the word he is using. Why he wanted
me to be best man is beyond me, we've been at each other's throats
constantly. I think he asked me because he knew I didn't want to do
it, just to annoy me. In fact, being asked to be best man is like
getting an invitation to make love to Princess Anne. It's a great
honour, but no-one wants to do it.

For those who don't know Roger that well, I've done a bit of
background research on his character for everyone.

Born 15 November 1969, he shares his birthday with Mother Teresa,
Albert Einstein, two American presidents .… as well as Kenneth
Williams, and Frank Spencer.

I've spoken with his family, and it appears that, unfortunately,
Roger was a slow starter from an early age. Even at kindergarten
there was a big difference between Roger and the other five year
olds. He was eleven!

He went to Toowoomba State School in Australia. I phoned them up and
spoke to one of his old teachers. I asked him what he thought Roger
would be when he left school, he replied "about 25."

Seriously though, Roger did go on to bigger things, his claim to fame
him being the inspiration for one of Jim Henson's puppets – Bert from
Sesame Street.
[produce pictures of Bert]
Note the striking resemblance, even down to the polo neck.

Invariably, people expect a bit of mud throwing to be done during the
best man's speech, so I've asked friends and relatives to dig up a
bit of dirt on Roger, you know, the usual stuff, some embarrassing
anecdotes, and this is what I've come up with.
[produce big stack of paper]
I haven't had time to read them all yet, so I'll just pick a few
randomly …
[pretend to read a sheet]
can't read that for legal reasons …
[read second sheet, shake head and tut]
can't read that because of my throat : Caroline will cut it ……
[take third sheet]
Jesus, definitely can't read that.
Oh, there's one here that says Roger is conceited, selfish,
unreliable and a liar. Well, I suppose if anyone knows him it's his
mum.

No best man's speech would be complete without some tales from the
stag night. You're probably all gagging to know what we got up to.
Well, we went out for a meal, had a few sherries to celebrate, then
finished the evening about 11pm. [remove envelope with money, turn to
Roger] .… I get the other half at the end, right?

It is customary for the best man to read a few of the cards, so here
we go:

Dear Roger, I love you, we could have been great together, love Ernie.

Oh there's one here from the hotel you'll be staying in Barcelona for
your honeymoon. Apparently they're the same company as the one we
stayed in on your stag night. In anticipation of your stay, they've
fitted an extra eight mini bars in the room, and will be serving
breakfast at 6pm as usual.

One here from his brother: Best wishes to both of you. It has been
said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Whoever said that, knows
nothing about women .… or fractions.

So you'll be as relieved as me to find that we are approaching the
end of the speech, if you've enjoyed listening to it as much as I've
enjoyed delivering it, then all I can do is apologise.

Finally, I'd like everyone to stand and charge your glasses. To the
bride and groom – may I wish you health, happiness, prosperity, and
many anniversaries. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr and Mrs Mills.