Speech by Justin Mount

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Justin Mount
Speech Date: aug 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, For those of you who don't know me, my name is Justin and it is my very great privilege to be here today as James's best man, although being Best Man is probably the most terrifying ordeal you could inflict on anyone.

My speech is just like me – short and sweet, James has pleaded with me to keep the speech clean, so I shall respect his wishes, well, sort of anyhow……

I am sure you will all agree that this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration so far, unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud and so here I am.

Now to the point you've all been waiting for (except James that is) where I completely assasinate the groom's character, which is traditional on such occasions.

While I was trying to write this speech, I was looking in one of those guides you get about being a best man, and up there with the important duties of getting him home from his stag weekend alive and remembering the wedding ring it had a little checklist of things to do and I'd like to share a few of those with you today. Apparently, I have to:

1) Help the groom dress – I thought if he doesn't know by now then we are in serious trouble. Ive done my best to make sure he is crease free but the Spanish Waiter theme James chose has nothing to do with me!.

2) Make sure the groom uses the toilet – I thought I can show him where it is (point him in the right direction, so to speak) but I'm not making sure.

3) Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order – Well, God didn't do it right the first time around, so I've got no hope.

4) Make sure his trousers are done up – it was at this point I'm thinking that perhaps somebody else should have been best man. And finally…

Compliment the beautiful bride and say something profound about James. The first part is easy. Bianca, you look stunning and James is a very lucky man.

I looked up the meaning of Bianca's name and discovered that Bianca means " pure" which seems particularly appropriate for this occasion. I also looked up James and apparently its the name of 2 of Christs disciples in the New Testament, which whilst apropriate for this occasion is certainly not appropriate for James.

I would like to thank James for asking me to be his best man. Being best man is a bit like being asked to shag the queen Mum, it's a great honour, but no one really wants to do it. But as James said I was the only one he could trust, so I agreed and joking aside it really is a great honour.

Unfortunately I have know James for about 13 years, the details of his antics before we became friends are sketchy so ill just have to decribe James Rix aged 15 onwards:

My first memory of James was of a rather ‘individual’ looking 16 year old with a badly permed bob haircut, some loosely fitting tye dye clothing and a black rubber Technics pendant around his neck. He was sitting on the swings outside Stoke Goldington village hall trying to look as cool as possible for someone who looked like a dysfunctional childrens entertainer.

After the initial shock however we soon became best of friends, I can remember many a summer evening loitering around James's home village of Stoke Goldington looking for things to Break, Burn and Drink.

By the time he could drive James, had become the proud owner of a Volkswagen Beetle, his a bright green model with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle interior.

The highlight of June would be all of us lads attending Bug Jam at nearby Santa Pod. It was at these weekend festivals that James really discovered drink and it was about this point that he changed from a reasonably clean cut young man to a stubling fool who would find himself constantly fighting bushes as he walked home from the pub, arguing with traffic cones and driving the porcelain bus every weekend.

But such frivolity came to an end when James embarked on his career to be just like Jamie Oliver. It was around this point in time James gained unbeatable partying abilities and on the many nights we would all meet up for a night out it would always be James who was the last one standing, and, with a minimum of rest, would apparently be unfazed at going on to do a 12 hour shift in a Kitchen. How you managed that ill never know James?

We didn't see him for a while when he was in the states, which, in some ways for us lads was like having a long holiday, and definitely some quality time for our Livers to recover. Judging from the bizarre postcards and photo's we occasionally received James had far from slowed down and we all pitied the residents of Lake Placid.

It seemed that James and Bianca had always been an item as we were all growing up as they just seemed right together. I do however recall a few of James's other ‘girlfriends’ when James and Bianca were having a ‘rest’ from each other. Im not naming names but one of them is now a copper and another moved to Scotland all of a sudden so James obviously had some sort of impact on them.…

Seriously, though, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank both James and Bianca for being great friends to me over the years. There's not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do exactly that. It is a great honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today and I just hope neither of them has need of my services again in the future because I'm not doing it.

James, you have pulled a winner in marrying Bianca. You have found someone who is beautiful, well mannered, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. Bianca you have found..… well you have found James.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me.

It gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a couple of toasts. Firstly would you all please join me in a toast to the parents of the Bride and Groom, for helping to organise this very special day, and to those who sadly are not here today.

Say Cheers!

And finally to James and Bianca, Mr and Mrs Rix, a nicer more perfectly suited couple you could not wish to meet. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage. James and Bianca…

If you'd all like to make your way next door the food is now ready.…