Speech by Karl Mason

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Karl Mason
Speech Date: Jan 2009
When Shane asked me to be his best man over a few cheap beers back home I was obviously too drunk to grasp the seriousness of my saying yes. I never thought about having to make a speech AND say nice things about him, I've had very little experience of either so, please bear with me. It doesn't really seem fair though. Shane was supposed to be best man at my wedding and didn””t even bother turning up, being thousands of miles away at work didn't seem like much of an excuse to me.
I was kinda hoping my wife would do the decent thing once the stag do was over with and give birth to our second child that's due any day now, selfish woman's let me down for the second time in 9 months by hanging on to the bitter end.
Today it has not only been my pleasant duty to attend the bridegroom and cater to his every whim, I also was asked to look after the bridesmaids.
Once the ceremony was over and these 2 were safely married, I d hopped there””d be nothing more for me to do. For a while my spirits flagged, but the appearance of the bridesmaids in this hall suddenly revived my interests. I therefore hasten to propose a toast to them, thanking them for performing so splendidly at the wedding. To _______, _______ and _______.
To start off I guess I should thank the bride for agreeing to marry Shane, lets face it, nobody else wanted him so were very grateful she took pity on him and us, I just cant afford to keep feeding him when he visits so I””m pleased he staying with you.
Secondly I””d like to thank the keepers at Linton Zoo for letting Lee out the monkey enclosure be here with us today.
I was a bit worried about how long the speech should go on for so I asked around and the general consensus was that the speech should last as long as the groom usually does in the bed room so, with that in mind thanks for listening and enjoy the food you””ve been a great audience.
On a more genuine note I am delighted they””ve found happiness together, I sure Mandy soon realised that Shane is at his happiest hovering or washing up. I””d never have been allowed to stay in the house we rented when we were a college if he hadn't tidied up every weekend before the landlady came round to check on us.
College wasn””t all rosy though, most of my exam results were abysmal. Too this day I must be the only qualified merchant navy navigator never to have passed his navigation exam. Wasn””t all my fault, every weekend I””d drive home Friday and back to college Sunday afternoon to study. Without fail, on every occasion I””d be dragged kicking and screaming to the Sundial, our local boozer on the seafront where I'd be forced to inhale helium from the balloons the sold there on a Sunday, for the kids.
Being pulled apart by the local plod for fighting in the street in the early hours of one Sunday morning was a regrettable moment, especially for plod who watched us prop each other up and stumble back to the house mumbling &ampquotI love you mate&quot
It is an honour to be able to stand here today if a little daunting but Shane has promised me that if I do a good job I'll get the gig at his next wedding, so here””s hoping.
I wasn't sure what to talk about at first so I did what most men do when facing a problem, opened a beer and surfed the interweb for inspiration. Unfortunately I found other distractions on there and didn””t even finish the beer let alone the speech.
At this point I'd like to ask Mandy to put her hand on the table, Shane if you could but your hand directly on top of hers…Enjoy it while it lasts mate, it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.
Last night we were talking over a few things and I think I must have had too many beers, I'm seem to think he said they were going to North Wales on their honeymoon. Well that's what I think he meant when he said he was going to Bangor all week.
When I first met Mandy I thought wow, beautiful, cleaver, funny, thoughtful and friendly. Then she went and ruined it all be saying yes to his proposal.
A few words of wisdom and then I””m off to the bar,
1. First you have to establish who””s boss, then do everything she says.
2. Some one once said marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions for that matter.
3. The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it, just once'll do it.
4. It””s also very important to get on with your mother in law. I””ve not spoken to mine in over 2 years, it””s not because I don””t like her I just don't like to interrupt her.
5. To help the course of true love run smoothly, remember these important words, your right Mandy.
6. One for you Mandy, don””t keep him in the dog house too long or he might give his bone to the girl next door.
Also, Mandy remember,
Men are like a fine wine, they start out as grapes, And it””s your job to stamp on them in the dark till they turn into something you””d like to have dinner with.
Shane,
By coincidence, women are like fine wine too, They start out fresh and intoxicating to the mind, Then they turn full bodied with age and end up giving you a splitting headache.
I can honestly say in Mandy, Shane has found a wife that is warm, loving, caring funny and beautiful, sadly Mandy all you gained from the day was a nice dress and a few flowers. You””re finally married, for better or worse which fits nicely. Shane couldn””t have done any better, Mandy you couldn't have done much worse.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank those who have travelled long distances today to be here, it always amazes me the lengths folk will go to for a free feed.
I'd like to finish by saying once again it has been a great honour for be to stand shoulder to elbow with you today mate and genuinely thank everyone for sharing their very special day.
Ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Shane and Mandy, the new Mr and Mrs Clarke. We wish them well for the future and hope they share a long and happy married life together.