Speech by Karl Schuler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Karl Schuler
Speech Date: Jan 2009
Good evening, family, friends, romans, countrymen, in-laws, outlaws, moochers &amp bootleggers. On behalf of Martin and Ivy-ann it gives me enormous pleasure to welcome all of you, you who surround them both so closely in their lives to this most excellent of days, on which we celebrate their love for each other. My name is Carlos and I will be the microphone controller for the next little while. Before we start getting all heavy we need to get a few quick issues out of the way. No smoking inside, outside all good. Management have informed me that anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will receive a direct burst of powdered fire extinguisher to the face, so even if you are sitting next to a smoker – don't let down your guard.
Then especially for the peeps from the west rand with regards to the wine – this is not one of those in case of emergency break glass kind of scenarios… You will notice you all have a menu in front of you – waiters will be coming shortly to take your order – if each person could kindly place their order for both starters and main course simultaneously. Starters will then be served and we will then have few individuals making some heartfelt speeches after. These people can be easily identified as those amongst you sweating profusely. Enjoy your starters. See you in a bit.
STARTERS
I know I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say that Martin and Ivy-ann are two of the most beautiful people I know. Both artists in their own right, both exceptionally passionate and driven people, people who constantly challenge both themselves and those around them, and if you look at all of this it is difficult to think that this whole wedding was organized in four weeks flat. You can only marvel at the incredible machine that is the two of them. Ivy-ann you look absolutely stunning tonight and I must also compliment you on managing to find a venue with a cheese room, which is as close as what you said you would go in allowing Martin his big cheesy wedding…
Now as we welcome some people to say a few words about Martin and Ivy-ann, bear in mind that nobody giving a speech today will have had an awfully long time to prepare it. Please be generous to them, laugh at their jokes heartily, clap loudly &amp cheer enthusiastically cause this may just be some of the best ad lib public speaking you may hear in a while……
Ladies and gentlemen – the lady whom all this is about today, the most radiant woman in the house by far, mother to the world famous human mimics Gretch and Missy, I give you the bride – IVY-ANN
Without further ado I would like to welcome Ivy-ann's brother who has witnessed his weird little sister grow into this fine young lady before us today, he is the creative genius behind the wedding e-mail invitation that still has everybody talking, and an all round good guy – ladies and gentlemen ..ANTONIO
Now it gives me great privilege to introduce a man who single-handedly built waterworld in his back yard, a man who knows no limits in how far he will travel for a free meal, a man who has known Martin since time began, his brother from another mother, Mr GRANT &quotstage pig, K.B.&quot Rose
Ladies and Gentlemen, the man of the moment, an officer, a gentleman, a right righteous geezer , on days when he dons the mask a dirty rotten scoundrel, 2 legs of the eight legged groove machine, MARTIN &quotrocka&quot Schofield
Now in the weeks leading up to today one thing was made abundantly clear to me by both Martin and Ivy-ann. Their intention was never to profess that because they are married they are now one. On the contrary. They are two independent and unique individuals who have been brought together by all that is good in the universe. They share a friendship, a partnership &amp deep spiritual bond, built on mutual respect, and a love that supersedes all else. A love more powerful than the both of you. Cherish it with your whole souls, guard and protect it with all your might, demand it to be respected by all and feed it by enjoying each other wholeheartedly. Love is essentially the one human emotion that you only really get once you give it away.
I read something once that to this day is exceptionally beautiful to me, I am still not really sure what it means but it goes something like this .…

Two lovers are under the stars one night and this young girl turns to her man and asks him – does the moon have a purpose? He replies .. Albert Camus once wrote that &quotthe only real question in life is whether to kill yourself or not&quot, another once wrote that &quotthe only real question is whether time has a beginning or and end&quot, I say the only real question is this – do you know how to make love stay ?. Answer me that and I will tell you whether to kill yourself or not, answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and end of time, answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon. And what I think that may always look for the mystery and magic in each other.

On one of the first evenings I really got to know Ivy-ann she was at the bar with her brother at a Wonderboom album launch. They were both ordering &quotTomquilas&quot with gay abandon. Now the theory behind the Tomquila shot of half tequila half tomato juice is that the tequila is completely cancelled out by the tomato, and while the tequila makes you drunk as a skunk on the night, the tomato completely cancels out the hangover the next morning – One short trip to the hospital the next day for a drip and that myth is now officially busted.
It is in that spirit of bold ingenuity and invention that I commend you both Martin and Ivy-ann for who you are. Not timid, fainthearted individuals too scared to trod life's trepidatious path, but bold, free-spirited, passionate people for whom together nothing is impossible.
Thank you for entrusting me with your ceremony it is a great honor and privilege. I will buy you both a TOMQUILA later.

Ladies and Gentlemen please join me in proposing a toast to Martin and Ivy-anne. On behalf of everybody here today may you have a successful and exiting life together. May your good days be long and your bad days few, and may your love stay forever…….…