Speech by Keith Miller

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Keith Miller
Speech Date: 21/07/2012 07:04:31

Best Mans Speech

Introduction & Opening

John & Carly, Lady's & gentlemen, boys & girls, Hello. I am so happy that you could all be here today to share this very special day. The marriage of a beautiful, charming, intelligent radiant woman, and doesn't she look stunning. To John (Pause), the luckiest man on the planet.

Compliments

It is also my duty as the Best Man to compliment the bridesmaids, honestly do I need to do this, I am sure you, like me has had their heart lifted by the feast to the eyes of the wedding group, don't they look stunning? I would especially like to thank Nicelle who has ended up doing all my duties at the church. What a lovely service in a perfect setting, great weather too / shame about the weather but that will not dampen our day & celebrations eh?

What about the venue & food eh? Brilliant, weeks of planning by John I believe, I think Carly may have had a little bit of Input, but from what John has told me it was all his idea, he was not so keen on Carly's theme for the day “My big fat gypsy wedding”! He felt a wedding dress with lights could be a safety hazard in the rain.

Groom Stories

Well you're probably thinking “who am I?” My name is Keith. John is one of my clients, can you believe how honoured I was to receive a pricing document for performing the best man duties at his wedding. After an extensive tender period I won the contract to be John's best man. John has always been an astute businessman & I realise that I cannot go overboard in taking the Michael out of one of my clients. However, what he does not realise is that I have enough work to keep me going till I retire so, no holes barred today eh!

I would also like to add that John is a friend, I would like to add this but after today that may not be true anymore!

Most of you will know John & Carly. You may not know that John is a perfectionist! Not “Hodge the Bodge!” as Carly often retorts. I discovered this in 1988 when John was sent to me as a General Foreman. I was impressed with John's attention to detail from day one! This was first brought to my attention when he had a disagreement with a wall tiler who was tiling the men's toilet of a new office development we were working on. John and the tiler had a disagreement about quality, no blows were exchanged but John (being the nice chap he is) Suggested the tiler leaves site and fornicates off, a nice offer I thought! Apparently John wanted to spend his own time that weekend doing all those difficult cuts that the tiler just could (or would) not do. What a star you would think, I certainly did. I went away that Friday night safe in the knowledge my new management protégé had the situation under control. Well Monday morning came & I just could not wait to see the completed toilet tiling, yeah that's right we'll show them won't we John!

What I witnessed was a despondent John & the worst example of wall tiling I have ever seen. John learned an important lesson that day, “your crap at tiling”.

Most of you may know that John has a carpentry background. I have never been fortunate to see any of his work; I have been told it is very good, by John. However, I have never any pictures and no examples round his house! I can only go from my own experience. John has been with me on many sites. 1) Borehamwood, 2) Hackney, 3) Chelmsford to list just 3. What has always amazed me it his knack to find the most worthless, old, rusted, rotten piece of old building or architecture, delicately clean it, painstakingly restore it, mount it within his house, say a kitchen. Only for it to look just as crap as when he found it. I am not sure if this is a medical condition or if he isn't just mental! But to me it is a gross waste of time & talent. He could have easily spent these wasted hours collecting beer glasses at the local boozer, and made some money to boot!

John & I hit it off some 24 years ago. Back then John had a serious drink problem. I can share it with you now because he is over it. John was never a big drinker. He would get very merry on a shandy and wine was something he thought dogs did! Being in the building industry it is normal to have the occasional night out. I remember one time when we all went out down London, came back to site & slept in the show house. John thought he would add his own form of decoration to the walls & carpet for all the happy punters the next day. Now I know most people think that Projectile vomiting is something that only affects babies, well in this John has been a very late developer & his version of that famous 1973 film the Exorcist are a truly amazing. Cheryl my darling wife & I also experienced a repeat performance at our house in 1990 when John decided the curtains in our guest room needed a makeover & duly delivered.

I am not sure but you may have noticed I have crutches. I broke my leg in May in an effort to get out of my contractual obligation to be John's best man. He would have none of it, insisting that if I did not honour the contract he would take me for every penny I have. What a nice man I thought.

We did not have a stag night so no stories to share with you there. Well we did of sorts. As is becoming of a couple of old men we had a nice bottle of wine, meal & dessert wine just outside Chatham in a local pub. What a party animal John is, well you would expect this from a fisherman!

I have several other stories to share but the tender documents were specific on the allotted time slot. So if you want to know more about the grooms past misdemeanours please feel free to meet me at the bar & ply me with folding stuff or white wine.

Cards & Telegrams

As best man I understand it is my responsibility to read out some cards and telegrams sent from people who were not able to attend. I'll just do a couple…

To Carly and John:  We wish we could have been with you today to share this very special moment with you both, but can't as every Friday we have to pick our lottery numbers & felt this was more important, sorry. Love, Charles & Camilla

Have a great wedding, 10% of your next order, regards your local Domino's Pizza

Happy Christmas from your Postman

Advice

I would like to offer John some advice at this point. This has worked for me for the past 29 years and is my little recipe for success.

Don't be afraid to admit your wrong (we know it's not your fault and that you are probably right, but it does not work that way).

If Carly asks your opinion about anything, be sure to know what her opinion is on the matter first. Do not, I repeat DO NOT express your own opinion if it is different. It will do you no favours disagreeing. Even if your view is right & she agrees, should in years to come it is found that your opinion was wrong this will be brought to your immediate attention.

In all seriousness, I would ask you both to remember the joy of this day. Days such as this are few and far between. We are blessed by the people who touch our lives and if we are fortunate enough to meet someone we love & can spend the rest of our lives with, we are truly blessed. May the love you feel today continue to grow for the rest of your days together?

Toast

It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Carly and John. We wish them the very best for the future.

Ladies and gentlemen. To the bride and groom.