Speech by Kenny Wilson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kenny Wilson
Speech Date: Dec2004
Applause:
Hello my name is Kenny and I'm an alcoholic…..… Oh sorry wrong day that's Mondays.
Seriously though I did prepare a few lines for today …….… But Colin and I were a bit nervous earlier so we've took them in the toilet.
Colin passes me a rolled up £20 and says, “here I think that was yours”
I think my mum and dad are panicking a bit. I told them I was going to sing up here today if I don't get any laughs, so its up to you.

Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to thank you all for attending this wonderful occasion for the marriage of Kevin and Jennifer. It's good to see so many friends, family and eh….? others here. You can tell the football season doesn't start till next week

Karen has asked me to thank Kevin for his first ever-complimentary remark to her and to say “your not so bad yourself, Kevin”

In the run up to today, Kevin and Jennifer had a bit of an issue with the seating plan. So as one of the best men I stepped in to offer a solution. What we decided was to use the wedding presents as a guide. Those who spent the most we sat at the front and work it back from there. So if you can hear me at the back, thank you to Marjory and Davie for the oven glove..

A wise man once said, the best mans speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love …ladies and gentleman
“The bride & groom” raise glass for mock toast

So Kevin and Jennifer have finally got married,
For Better or for Worse..…
Kevin couldn't have done any better!!
Jennifer couldn't have done any worse!!
Part of the role of the best man is the duties, which must be carried out. And as this is the first time I have done this I had to do a little research.
For the last fortnight I've never been off that Internet…I've been to some cracking websites.… And I found some on weddings as well!
The duties are to
1. Deliver the groom sober and on time
2. Provide the rings on cue
3. Give a speech and make a complete arse of myself at the same time
4. My final duty is to dance with the bride, after the groom and her father. I don't mind dancing with Jennifer but I draw the line dancing with Kevin & Jack. ( mind you they do look good in those kilts)

lift cue card:
I've known Kevin now for 27 years, what can I tell you about Kevin… well he's good looking, clever, witty, intelligent, …what, sorry Kevin I cannae read your writing bruv!
Throw away cue card

I've known Kevin now for 27 years and I know a lot about him. It may surprise you to know he was not a good-looking baby. I can actually remember when he was born I thought his name was “Tuesday”pause
My dad took one look at him and said “right Anne, lets call it a day!”

I remember the year was 1976, the music was from classic groups like Showadywady and Abba – he's been singing mamma mia and dancing like a queen ever since.
I remember the Muppets were on the telly – little did I realise I was getting one for a brother! Remember that swap shop programme?
I tried for months to swap Kevin for an Evil Kneivel.
I still hate that bastard Noel Edmonds.

At school Kevin was finally finding something he was good at. He showing an aptitude for climbing and could never sit still. We'd often find him hanging upside down from a tree. So Jennifer if your looking to consummate this marriage I suggest you lock your room doors and windows and don't show him those tree's out there.

As Kevin got older I could see a few traits developing:
The most annoying for me was how good he was with money. He always seemed to be loaded. I thought It was because he was tight but as I look back I realise he's had 6 different jobs in 9 years …….… I'm sure he negotiates a signing on fee every time! In fact in his latest job in Rockware the boys have nicknamed him GOD: here's why-

No one ever sees him!
He makes his own rules!
And if he does anything it's a bloody miracle!

Kevin has always had a passion for fast cars, in the past 10 years he's had 9 different cars. But there's one model he's stuck with and you can see why, with the fine lines and the classy chassis. I'm glad to see she's had a full valet to bring her back to her best. Kevin tells me he loves nothing better than opening her up and giving her a good blast now and again!

Jennifer's actually asked me not to mention this but I feel I should share it with you. Kevin has recently had to attend a private hospital for a few days.… in the premature ejaculation unit………apparently it was touch and go at one stage.

I'd also like to say a big thanks to all the lads who made the trip to Newcastle for the slag weekend, oh sorry stag weekend. I'd love to give you details of what happened. Like the guy who ended up naked in the hotel with the busty lap dancer, what was her name again, oh aye Lisa. I'd love to give you his name but it would be totally irresponsible of me, as it would obviously embarrass him …….and probably ruin his wedding.

At this stage I'd like to hand you over to Colin who has a few cards to read out:-
Colin reads out 5 or 6 genuine cards then 4 fake cards as below:
1. This ones just for Jennifer- dear Jennifer hope you have a lovely day and remember I'm always here if it doesn't work out, love you always, Robbie Williams xxx
2. This ones addressed to Kevin- dear Kevin hope you have a lovely day and remember I'm always here if it doesn't work out, love you always, Robbie Williams xxx
3. Dear Kevin, I'll never forget your stag weekend, it's a shame you didn't text me back. I'm just glad your brother gave me your address. I've sent you a little souvenir from Newcastle, love Lisa xxx Colin brings out a massive pair of black nickers and hands them to Kevin.
4. Another one for Kevin, he is popular, from all the staff legs &co, Glasgow – hope you have a great day (p.s we can confirm your online payments have been received. Oops that last bit was marked up confidential!!)

All joking aside – Colin and I would both like to say how proud we are to be Kevin's best men. They say you can pick your friends but not your family, well we have been lucky, as he has been both a friend and a brother. And in Jennifer we have gained a beautiful sister-in-law who I'm sure will continue to be a good friend in the years to come.

All that leaves us is the toasts and I'm sure you will agree that without these people today just wouldn't have been the same, ladies and gentlemen,……………… the bar staff!!

And don't forget the bride and groom, the new Mr & Mrs Wilson, Kevin & Jennifer. Raise glasses for toast

Thank fuck that's over!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best of luck Kev, I only spent about 6days on this speech, well actually 6days a week for 6weeks! have fun!