Speech by Kevan Hazlett
We have included third party products to help you navigate and enjoy life’s biggest moments. Purchases made through links on this page may earn us a commission.
Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevan Hazlett
Speech Date: Sep2007
You mean I just stand up and I get applause? This will be easier than I thought.
On behalf of the bridesmaids, Thank you to Stuart for his kind words, I'm sure you will agree the bridesmaids look lovely today.. Well they scrub up no bad compared to their usual looks anyway!
They in turn have only been outshone, and rightly so, by Lindsay, as I'm sure you will agree… This is not the first time she has turned every head in the room, but it is the first time she had done it without her skirt tucked into her pants!
My name is Kevan and I am Stuart's best man and long time friend, which just proves my teenage claims that I was a fanny magnet. However, I know Stuart gets uncomfortable being called Stuart as it is too formal and much prefers being called what all his friends know him as.. Tutti Frutti. So this is what everyone must do for the rest of the evening.
Anyone who knows me will be able to tell you that public speaking is not my strong point and I was really nervous at the prospect of this. Someone suggested then that the best way to combat that is to imagine your audience naked, but I went one better and I have invested in a pair of genuine X-ray specs. put on specs
In fact, I'll just check how exciting a night Lindsay has ahead of her… stare at Stuart's crotch. now laugh and wave pinky
Where do I start? Well, I have known Stuart for many many years and when I first started giving money to the Ugly Children's charity, I got monthly updates and photos of Stuart, but I never imagined I would be his best man. I did mention Stuart benefited from the good work of the charity and I applaud their work. It is now only slightly noticeable that he was born with a rare defect that makes his pubic hair grow on his head. He is still a bit conscientious about it and tried to use Lindsay's straighteners to straighten it one day. He only got one side done and the straighteners actually blew up. Still didn't make him any more handsome!
I was also concerned that maybe one of Stuart's previous romantic interests would show up and ruin the day. but then I relaxed when I remembered Saturday is the day they all get sheared.
Speaking of previous romantic interests, will all the women here today please notice that Stuart is now married, so any previous lovers who still have his house keys, can you please return them by placing them in this bowl please.. wait on all the women doing so
I grew up with Stuart pause and fling my keys into bowl and remember how he used to get drunk on 1 can of Top Deck and would start being sick everywhere and end up cuddling the toilet bowl… but that was just 3 weeks ago in Liverpool. Best memory has to be Stuart proudly passing his driving test and turning up to pick us up in a blue Nissan Micra with a big black spoiler at the back. I half expected it to say "Property of Asda, please do not remove from store" on the spoiler. He did admit it was a bargain, there was a full row, and it only cost a quid to unhook it from the rest of them.
As most of you will know, Stuart is an avid football fan, and a very passionate supporter and follower of United.. that's Ayr United! But it is his ability on the football field himself that he is better known for. I have played in the same team as him for about 4 years and I can honestly say that in the full league there isn't a better substitute and linesman. The way he flourishes that flag while desperately trying to catch the manager's eye to try and get on the pitch is a joy to behold.
He even got his big break in a cup final, when he came on and he certainly changed the game. he ran on the park, kicked someone, and promptly got sent off. Thanks for helping us out that day mate, much appreciated. We should have learned from the previous final, when we actually let him start the game. 10 minutes in, kicked someone and gave away a penalty. and we got beat 2-0. What would we do without you?
I also remember the day Stuart and Lindsay met, or rather the next day when Stuart phoned me and asked me "See that lassie Lindsay that you stay next to? What do you think of her? Is she ok?" to which I replied that "yes, of course, she is a very pleasant, approachable young lady". Stuart then says "That's a ”right then coz I was winching her last night." Beat that for romance.
Speaking of which, they then began seeing each other until Stuart decided to propose one day. Now anyone with half a brain would sneakily steal a ring from Lindsay and take it to the shop for an approx size. Not oor Stuart, he steals the aforementioned ring, puts it on a bit of paper and drew round the inside of the ring with a marker pen and took the paper to the shop. Somehow the staff didn't phone the local asylum, but actually sold him a ring, which was useless as it wouldn't have fitted Barbie's pinkie. Although from what I saw earlier with the x-ray specs, Stuart could have worn it.
As you will have guessed, Stuart isn't blessed in the brain department. This is highlighted by the fact that one night Lindsay was in the house eating a bowl of Pistachio nuts. Stuart, being the simpleton that he is, is taking great interest and asks to try one. Without looking Lindsay passes the bowl to Stuart, who takes one, which is then accompanied by the loudest cracking and crunching noises you have ever heard, followed by Stuart complaining about how crunchy they are. that's right, he was eating the shell.
Another good example of his bird-brain… I have a pet parrot which used to have a terrible habit of pulling its own feathers out. Stuart was up visiting one day and was watching the parrot plucking away, when my fiancée, Karen, threatened to take the parrot to "The Baldy Parrot Man". Stuart is now looking in wide-eyed wonderment, and asked who that is. Karen explains loudly, for the parrot's benefit as she wrongly assumed it was the dumbest creature in the room, that this is a man who you take your parrot to if he is pulling his feathers out and the man pulls the rest of it's feathers out and sits it on a perch and lots of people point and laugh at it. Stuart, is now amazed and asks where this man stays. Karen replies "eh.… Shortlees" and Stuart is further amazed "reallllyyyyyy???" comes the reply. Eh, naw Stuart, not really.
Now if anyone has enjoyed my speech. then you need to get out more. However you can buy my DVD at Reception at the end of the evening. If you didn't and feel that speeches should be just about thanking people, that they must lack character and not supposed to be enjoyed, and generally be a bit bland… then you can buy a DVD of Stuart's speech at the Reception.
In all honesty, Stuart isn't really that dumb, he is actually a good footballer, and is as good a mate as any guy could hope to have. I'm still a better fisherman though.
Now before I read the cards, I will propose a toast. I wish them all the happiness in the world and I would like you to be upstanding… and join me in a toast to Stuart and Lindsay, the new Mr and Mrs Kerr
"To the Bride and Groom"
I will now read out some messages from various well-wishers and those who couldn't make it.
To Lindsay, I'm sorry but I just couldn't marry you today, so I got one of my mates to do it instead. Love Jenks
To Stuart, We could have been so good together, I'll miss our nights by the pool. Love Michael Barrymore
Read real cards now.
Thank you for listening to me.
