Speech by Kevin Anderson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Anderson
Speech Date: sep 2002
Ladies and gentlemen…
On behalf of Samantha, Susan's Bridesmaid I would like to Thank Ian for his kind words
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Kevin and I am Ian's brother and Best Man.
It just struck me as Mel and Ian were speaking before me, how much they have in common. After all, it's the first time in 25 years that Mel has been able to speak for a few minutes without interruption from the women in his family, and it'll be the last time in 25 years that Ian gets to do the same, so I sincerely hope he treasures this moment.
I've tried to memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far … and neither does my eyesight.
Susan you look absolutely stunning today, Ian you look like you always do… 3rd prize in a raffle. No Seriously, you've scrubbed up quite nicely, though I am not too pleased about you copying my outfit – obviously couldn't handle the competition.
Now before I go on, I'd like to first thank our mum for buying me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’, which I brought with me today. I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:
Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing Ian will be all of them, so I've got about £1,000 on me…
Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…
Ensure that the groom:
Gets a good nights sleep before the wedding; ( Last night Ian slept like a baby. He woke up every 2 hours crying for his Mum and wanting a glass of water.)
Uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (Not much hair to put in order);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??) we know there's nothing between his ears as his school reports all testified to that.
Make sure his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps mum should have been best man.
Dance with the bride after the groom and her father.… (I don't mind dancing with Susan but these two!)
Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:
Aspirin, antacid, deodorant, valium (Ian and I have already used most of those this morning) toothpaste, and a big black magic marker pen".
I did actually bring one of those, because it says here I have to, but if anyone knows what it's for, please tell me because I'm dying to know…
Make a speech to the bride and groom."
Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 100 people.
The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."
As you can see, Ian couldn't find one of them, so he is stuck with me. Actually it's great being here today as Ian has finally admitted I am the best man, which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character.
I have known Ian all my life whereas Susan and I go back about 10 years. We both briefly met Susan at a Karaoke about 10 years ago. I say briefly, because she was only there three weeks before leaving to work in Greece for the summer. However she did come back and Ian met Susan officially for the first time in December 1995.
Somewhat inevitably they met in a pub, Thinking back, it's a touching story. Ian met the woman of his dreams that night, the woman who eventually — little did he know it then — would become his wife. Things didn't go quite so well for me … for on the very same night I got punched in the face. But at least it led to this wedding, so I feel a bit like a cross between Cilla Black and Mike Tyson. I suppose the effect of being punched was much the same for me as it was for Ian meeting Susan, but mine hurt more.
The pre-Susan version of Ian Anderson is not very different to the present version, only smaller, less grey, and a little bit less stressed. But I'm sure that's just coincidence. As a child, he was the smallest and quietest kid in school, and as you may have judged from his earlier speech, some things haven't changed. But whereas I may have been a bit louder than him, I've always been jealous because he's always been better at getting the blame off himself and onto someone else (usually me). However, I always found a way round it, Moving to Spain for 4 years with mum and dad and abandoning Ian in the UK for that period soon sorted things.
When Ian was at school he tried for the football team at every opportunity, Unfortunately he was found to be useless in every position (TURN TO SUE) Best of luck then!
As a child he had a huge appetite for life and this helped him become wise…Unfortunately I just had a huge appetite for food and it only helped me to become wide!

Mum was saying last night that Ian was a pretty baby and he loved nothing more than sitting for hours staring blankly at the TV and playing with the little fellow – No Change there then!

I hope Susan will get used to Ian's eating habits as they can drive you to distraction. – I remember once we were in "PIZZA HUT", we ordered pizza – the waiter served us and asked Ian if he would like his pizza cutting into four pieces or eight pieces, Ian replied " Cut it into four pieces, I don't think I could eat eight"…………………

Now we have some cards here from people who couldn't make today and I would like to read some of them out (read cards including spoof ones)

I believe it is now time to tell Susan where she is going on her honeymoon. Susan, you and Ian will be flying from London Heathrow on Monday evening on your way to your Luxury 5 Star All Inclusive hotel on the Caribbean Island of Jamaica.

Here are your tickets and I hope you both have a wonderful time.

Isn't it funny how history repeats itself, only 29 years ago, sues parents were sending her to bed with a dummy and here we are again.
Seriously, though, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank both of them for always being there for me when I've needed them, which I certainly have in the past, even if it is just to go round for a bit of psychology, or to eat them out of house and home.
There are not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do exactly that. It is an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today. I just hope neither of them has need of my services again in the future because I'm not doing it.

Ian I would like to give you some advice on a happy and blissful marriage
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything Susan tells you to do.
Secondly, it is very important to get on with your mother in-law. A friend of mine didn't speak to his for almost two years! Don't get him wrong, it wasn't for lack of trying or that he didn't like her. He just thought it was rude to interrupt!

Never go to bed angry…always stay up and fight
Remember you always get the last 2 words – “Yes Dear”!
And finally always try to help with the cleaning…In your case Ian; Pick your feet up when Susan's doing the hoovering.

(Turn to Susan) Susan, I would now like to officially welcome you into the family, I am proud to have you as a friend, Confidant and now sister in law.

Turn to Ian

To you bro, I would like to say that you are my oldest and dearest friend, We have been through some bad times and we have been through a lot of good times. Your friendship has been a source of strength to me throughout the years and I want to say it has been an honour and privilege to stand beside you today. THANKYOU

Today my brother Ian married Susan, a day that has been very emotional, even the wedding cake is in tears.

You are probably all pleased to hear that I am now at the conclusion of my speech, so I would like to ask you all to stand and raise you glasses

To Mr and Mrs Anderson, Ian and Susan, The Bride and Groom.

Thankyou