Speech by Kevin Betts

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Betts
Speech Date: Sep2005
Its turning out to be a day packed full new experiences for me. It's the first time I've had the honour of being a best man, It's the first time that GROOM has complimented me in over 10 years, and it's the first time I've got a free dinner out of him since that kebab he bought me back in 96. So far things have been going pretty well…until now.

Before I start, I'd like to say that I've actually been practising my speech in the gay bars of Edinburgh……… so apologies to any of you Prestonpans boys who've heard it before.

When GROOM asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined £200…Honestly, I only stopped for directions ?????
We are here to celebrate a love match Pure & Simple, BRIDE is Pure and GROOM is, well he's not Stephen Hawking
A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………thank you and enjoy the rest of your day (BEGIN TO SIT DOWN).
No seriously (look at watch), you've got another minute and a half. I will keep this speech short in order to save my own throat…if I go on too long then GROOM and BRIDE have threatened to cut it.
You know I had a feeling it was going to be difficult to follow a speech by GROOM, and I was right, I don't know about you but, I couldn't follow a bloody word.
I would like to also thank GROOM on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind comments and echo the fact that they all look wonderful today.
I overheard the bridesmaids all sharing a moment before the wedding, arguing about which one of them is to have the pleasure of being the first to dance with me. All I can say is ..… look, one of you has to !!
I had the pleasure of first meeting GROOM about 10 years ago, when we both worked for Sky TV, I remember some of our workmates often referred to him as godlike..… rarely seen, holier than thou, and if he ever did any work, it was a bloody miracle. Our friendship was born out of trawling the dodgy bars of Livingston, thanks GROOM, for introducing me to the Paraffin Lamp, it's a memory I'll never forget …and this friendship has evolved into, umm, well something pretty similar really.
When I first thought about what to say I didn't have a clue where to begin?
Naturally, in today's world, the obvious place seemed to be the internet. So, with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I began searching the web.
After a couple of hours I'd found some really good stuff, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.
Once I'd turned my attention to the task in hand (so to speak) I found an abundance of information.
Now I know its traditional at this stage for the best man to go on about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had, but quite frankly I don't want to go into all that. I find such macho male talk un-called for and offensive to the bride…………suffice to say though GROOM, 73 turned out to be your lucky number!
I started writing down all the humorous stories involving GROOM and his antics (bring out pile of index cards), then I realised that I would have remove any controversial or rude stories. Firstly I removed all the Ladyboy stories (drop half the cards), then all the Bestiality stories (drop more cards), finally the Rentboy stories, (drop all cards bar one), and that left me with a rather dodgy kiddy back ride story, which isn't much better, all I can say for a wirey wee bloke, GROOM is quite strong!!! Especially in that left arm!!!
So what can I say about GROOM.
He's Handsome
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
Er..Er…
Sorry GROOM, what's that say, I can't read your writing. Oh, yeah – good in bed sorry.
I have to admit I was totally surprised when GROOM announced that we would be wearing kilts today, I thought he would want one last chance to wear the trousers in their relationship!!!!

Whist we are on the subject of kilt wearing, GROOM was adamant that we do it properly, so this morning I duly checked that he was following his own rules. It's my sad duty to inform you that he let himself and me down when I found him wearing these. (wave thong to audience then throw to GROOM).

Moving swiftly on to the happy couple. GROOM and BRIDE met across the smoky dance floor of Edinburgh's ARK night-club, I don't know how much they had to drink that night but it doesn't seem to have worn off yet.

I remember getting ready to go out that night and watched as GROOM pulled on this tatty old white t-shirt, it turns out that this was his ‘lucky, pulling shirt’ – ‘in yer dreams, you've nae chance’ I said to him, and look where we are today, it wasn't a lucky shirt at all, it was the luckiest shirt a man could own. Do you still have your ‘lucky shirt’ GROOM??

GROOM knows that it was the luckiest night of his life when he met the lovely BRIDE. I'm sure you'll all agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous today. Look at her sitting there in her lovely white dress, she's going to have no problems blending in with their kitchen.

BRIDE told me that the first time she saw GROOM she thought he was handsome from afar, but today she has assured me that she thought he was far from handsome.
Well, the Stag Do went down a storm! Now infamously known as “The Stag in Prague”, six of the boys, headed off to the Czech Republic, for a two night stay in the capital.
Of course, we were going there purely on a sight-seeing adventure to look at the Gothic architecture and to experience the culture.
I don't want to dwell on the Stag Weekend too much as my lawyer isn't present but I will say this. GROOM was just way too well behaved for his last weekend of freedom. He was reluctant to join in with the usual groom humiliation, and wouldn't even wear the outfit that me and our good friend ________ spent hours painstakingly sewing together (produce the outfit). Here you might as well have it as a reminder of the weekend, I'm sure it will end up in the sex box along with the other dodgy outfits.

Now its customary at this stage for the Best Man to offer the happy couple some words of advice.

BRIDE.… Remember that men are like tiled floors.… Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years!”

And GROOM also remember those 3 little words that are the key to a long and happy marriage… ‘You're right love’!
Anyway, just before we arrived I was given a few messages to read out from all those who could not attend this afternoon:
READ CARDS
Dear GROOM,
I'll give you back your £100 if you choose a different Best Man

Oh, that shouldn't be in there (throw card over shoulder)

Dear GROOM,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice.
Love Michael Barrymore.

(Serious Card)
This one says: “Congratulations BRIDE & MARK on your marriage, I trust that your purchases did the trick? Please can you come into the shop ASAP and settle your account as you have now reached your credit limit, Lots of luck in the future, don't be a stranger,
signed,
Anne Summers.
(who is she??)

And finally, there seems to be a bit of confusion over where GROOM and BRIDE are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you that they were off to _________ but I'm not so sure now. After speaking to GROOM earlier I think they're going to North Wales …….… Or at least I think that's what he meant when he said he was going to Bangor all week!
On a sincere note, I'm sure everyone will agree that they both make a fantastic couple. I'd like to say a big thank you to GROOM and BRIDE for asking me to be their Best Man today, as it has indeed been a privilege to carry out such an honour.

TOAST
It gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for GROOM and BRIDE.
TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM