Speech by Kevin Buck

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Buck
Speech Date: Aug2005
Good afternoon ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name's Kevin, and I've been given the privilege of being Stuart's best man on this special occasion.

Of course one of them has perhaps a little more experience on a day like today than the other, which is Stuart of course. You see, just over seventeen years ago Stuart and I were standing at a wedding in this very position, only the roles were reversed as I was the groom and Stuart the best man. Well, they say patience is a virtue!

I hope you've all enjoyed the day so far, and I think you'll all agree the bride looks absolutely stunning!

(pause for applause )

and the groom looks absolutely stunned.

I must start by saying a few thank you's.

It is often said that public speaking is one of the most nervous thinks that a person does in life, along with losing their virginity and appearing in court, although it is advised that the latter two should not being linked, so I would personally like to thank Imodium for all the help and support in the build up to this speech!

I also know that Stuarts mum has decided to enjoy the wonderful English summer weather and leave that dreadful southern Spanish climate behind for a while. I understand that you left Spain on Tuesday to ensure that you would be here in time and settled for today, I am also told that Stuart wanted to leave Hockley on Tuesday for the same reason.

I would like to advise you that this is only going to be a short speech because of my throat.. If I go on too long Stuarts threatened to cut it!

Now I know Stuart's search for his perfect woman has taken some time, but I always said the right one for him was just around the corner.. Unless of course the police had moved her on!

Well Stuart, I'm glad to see you made the most of your speech, because now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!

Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I've know him for about 31 years now, he's
Handsome,
Intelligent,
Witty,
Charismatic..

Oh Sorry, wrong wedding.

It is of course customary for the best man to give a character assassination of the groom on a day like today, but I thought Stuart was far to nice a person to do that to, but then if custom dictates, who am I to break with it;

Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Stuart was not the prettiest of babies….he was also a slow starter. At Playschool Stuart was different from all the other 4 year olds.. He was 11!

Stuart and I have know each other since we were 12 though and people used to ask me what I thought he would be when he left school,
I used to say " Oh, about 28 "!

You know, Wendy tells me the first time she set eyes on Stuart, she thought he was handsome from afar.. and then she got closer!

You are a lucky man though Stuart, because Wendy is a beautiful woman with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband…..So it's lucky you married her before she found one!

Fortunately, nature has gifted me with an abundance of material and I could be here all afternoon, so I think this would be an appropriate time to take a break from my speech and read out a few of the cards from those here and absent.

Read out Cards;

Before I make the Toast, I do have a few words of wisdom and advice for the happy couple:-

Remember Stuart, that a woman wants one man to take care of her every need, and Wendy, a man wants every woman to take care of his one need.

I was once asked what the secret to my long and happy marriage to Paula is,
I said it starts by having two weeks holiday a year,
I have mine in July and Paula has hers in August.

I thought my knowledge and wisdom in these matters may be limited, so I did some research in the hope that whatever I find, may be of use to you both, so this is what I found;

For you Wendy, I found a course at the local collage which you must enrol Stuart in, entitled ‘New Evening Classes for Men’,
it is a two day course that consists of the following subjects;

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

There will be a roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hampers, Pictures and graphics included

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming your head off – This class has a help line and support group

Day two

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
There will be a real life testimonial from the one man who did

Special Class for the Nervous,
WHY IT IS GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY WHILST YOUR WIFE PARKS THE CAR?
This will take place in a specially adapted driving simulator.

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
This one involves relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

And the final class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL OF THE TIME

Individual counsellors are available for chronic sufferers.

And Stuart for you,

The lack of understanding that men have of women is legendry, therefore I thought it best to go back to basics and consult the Merck index, which is the chemical industries dictionary of substances and molecules, in there I found the chemical element ‘Woman’, it's entry read as follows;

Surface usually covered in powders or creams

Freezes for no reason, boils spontaneously.

Reacts favourably to diamond, silver and gold and all other precious elements.

Turns red in its natural state.

Can be volatile when introduced to superior specimen.

Becomes uninhibited when mixed with alcohol

Most powerful money absorbing agent known to man.

But seriously Stuart, you would be wise to remember that in a marriage, ‘not everything you have to say, needs to be heard’ and ‘not everything you think, needs to be said’, but above all else, remember those 3 little words that are fundamental to a long and happy marriage… ‘You're right darling’!

Toast.

In all sincerity though, nothing pleases me more than to see two people in love, making the ultimate commitment to each other by entering the sanctity of marriage and if there is only one bit of advice you remember from my speech today, I would ask that it is, you never take each other for granted.

Personally I think it is wonderful that Stuart has found some one who has obviously filled his life with love and happiness and no man can ask for more. Wendy, you have achieved what no doctors prescription can.

I think that at this stage there is nothing more to be said, other than to ask you all to charge your glasses and be upstanding;

Ladies and Gentlemen, the toast is Stuart and Wendy