Speech by Kevin Caldwell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Caldwell
Speech Date: Aug2006
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to welcome you to this special celebration of E and N's wedding and to announce the order of speeches.
The first speech will be delivered by the Father of the bride, followed by a speech from the groom.
Finally we'll have my own speech as best man and after all that, if you are still awake, you can have dinner.

Hello!

First of all, can I start by saying I was a little worried about making this speech today, so earlier on I prepared a few lines. I snorted them a few minutes ago and now I feel absolutely fine. Also, after looking around and seeing all your faces, I realise that most of you are too drunk to care anyway!

So as you know I am N's best man. He has given me the task today of standing up and speaking in front of over 100 people. Jesus N, what do you do to people you don't like! For those of you that don't know me, my name is “KEVIN WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING”. So if you wish to say hello to me later in the night, I insist that you call me by my full name.

Firstly, I'd like to congratulate the happy couple on their wedding day and thank them for making me a part of it. E, you look absolutely stunning and N, well, you just look absolutely stunned! You do look great also, even though you have blatantly copied my outfit today.

Secondly, I would like to thank all of you for attending and helping to make this a very memorable and special occasion. The happy couple have asked me to relay a special thanks to the guests sitting at the front tables here who brought the big expensive gifts. As for you lot sitting at the back, I've been told to inform you that they already own a pair of oven gloves and that you'll be paying for your dinner this evening.

I would like to thank the bridesmaids for performing their roles wonderfully today despite the falling out they had just before the service. I overheard them arguing furiously about who was going to be first to dance with the best man.

Understandable, I thought, until I actually got closer and heard them say “You're doing it”, “No, you're doing it”.

No, but seriously, the bridesmaids do deserve heaps of praise for persuading E to go against her better judgement and actually turn up today. So well done ladies! And my last big thanks goes to those magnificent ushers who did a fantastic job, err, ushering people.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, when N asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. But lately I've been overcome with nervousness and fear because I remembered that the last time I was asked to stand up and speak in front of lots of people I was found guilty and fined 㾶00.

To give you an idea of how nervous I am, I can confirm to you that this is the 5th time today that I've risen from a warm seat with paper in my hand.

I have never been a best man before so lacking any experience I thought that the simplest way to put a speech together was to get one from the Internet. I looked at hundreds of ready-made speeches only to discover that 95% of them always start with the same joke. You know, the one that says being the best man is like making love to the Queen Mother – sure, it's a great honour – but nobody wants to do it – so I thought I wouldn't use that one.

Actually, I realised that I'd been given a big responsibility, and one that I didn't take lightly. I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn't forget anything. I came up with the following checklist of what my basic duties should be.

Item 1: Arrange the Stag Night

I'm afraid that stag night rules prohibit me from revealing what actually went on. And besides, N's solicitor has advised me to keep my mouth shut until after the pending court case. All I can tell you is that N now knows what is meant by the term “Lady-boy”.

Item 2: On the wedding day, bring a credit card and loads of cash in case there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for.

No doubt tight-arse N will be giving me the bill for the entire reception then. Can anyone else hear his arse squeak when he walks in that kilt?

Item 3: Help the groom dress himself.

It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade N that the Church had a strict no jeans and trainers door policy.

Item 4: It is the Best Man's responsibility to make sure the Groom's face and hair are in order.

Can I just say that I think that this duty is a bit unfair? I mean, the hair wasn't a problem, it's receded so much in the last few years there's not much I could do with it. I believe that style of haircut is known as the “McDonald's Haircut”. Turns to N and says ”im lovin” it!”

But getting his face in order? Come on! If God couldn't get it right the first time what chance have I got?

Item 5: Help the Groom write his thank-you speech and make sure he knows how to pronounce the big words.

I loaned my dictionary to N last week to help him. He handed it back to me today saying it was the best murder mystery he'd ever read. Apparently, says N, the letter Z did it.

Oh come on I know it wasn't funny but help me out here.

I found out that the Best Man rules also state that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell you all about his good points.

So what can I say about him?

He's handsome, he's witty, he's intelligent, he's charming, he's kind, he's considerate he's, he's…

I'm sorry Ladies and Gentlemen I'm having trouble reading N's writing. Oh, yeah he's good in bed.

Speaking of which, that reminds me E. Having watched N play football for many years, it is my sad duty to tell you that he is utterly useless in every position. So I hope you will have more luck.

It is customary at this point of the speech for the best man to launch into a severe character assassination of the groom and to tell you a bit about him.

Well, there are many stories I could tell you about N, but I don't want him getting divorced on his wedding night, so I promised I would only tell a tame story. We can't have Strathclyde Polices’ newest recruit being kicked out before his first day. I can't believe you had the cheek to ask me for a reference knowing the stuff I do about you!

Back when we were single, N, myself and some other friends used to go clubbing every Friday night. On one occasion we had gone out really early and everyone had been hitting the drink pretty hard. I was the designated driver that night so I was as sober as a judge. N had bought a brand new designer shirt for the occasion and had spent about 㿨 on it. He was chuffed to bits with it because earlier in the evening a group of nice looking girls in a pub had commented on how good he looked. He was going on about this all night to the rest of us saying that he was handsome and he was basically God's gift. So after our pub crawl, we ended up in a nightclub in Paisley. When we got in, N immediately hit the dance floor and started showing off his ”handsomeness” and his mean dance moves. And if any of you have seen him dance then you know I'm not lying when I say he seriously can't. Later on in the night I was standing near the bar talking to a couple of local girls I went to Uni with. N wasn't getting any attention on the dance floor and not one to be undone decided to come and join me. He was hitting the two girls with his patter when he heard “Staying Alive” come on. So he decided it would be a good idea to wow them with his dancing as well. I warned him that the floor was slippery and that he was severely drunk but did he listen? No, he didn't. Always the showman, he went to swivel like John Travolta, slipped and ended up flat on his back. Not only did the two girls and the other 250 people in the nightclub go into a fit of hysterics, his brand new 㿨 designer shirt was ripped and totally ruined. He sheepishly got to his feet with his bright red face and realised that he had also done his ankle in. We ended up having to leave the nightclub early and carry him back to the car. Needless to say, on the drive home, we didn't hear him utter another word about how ”handsome” he looked in his new shirt.

READING OF CARDS

Dear N, I'll never forget your stag weekend, it's a shame you didn't text me back. I'm just glad your best man gave me your address. PS The test was positive.

From the Golden Crown Paradise Hotel. Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof.

Speaking of which, I'd like to clear up one little misunderstanding about where the happy couple are going on honeymoon. Apparently, E thinks she's going to Cancun, which sounds lovely, but she needs to talk to N as it seems they are actually going to North Wales. I was talking to N about it earlier and he definitely said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight, so maybe you two should discuss that one.

On that note I'd better bring things to a conclusion. I would like to apologise to you all if I bored you with this speech. Please, don't blame me. N told me that the longer I speak, the less he has to pay the DJ.

So Ladies and Gentlemen it gives me great pleasure and immense relief to ask you all to stand and raise your glasses:

“May your years ahead prosper with love, affection, health and happiness, which you both richly deserve&quot

To the Bride and Groom.