Speech by Kevin Gaughan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Gaughan
Speech Date: Jun 2002
Ladies and Gentlemen, for those who don't know me, my name is Kevin, I am Tim's oldest friend and I have the great honour of being the best man on this very special day.

He said if I do a good job, I can be the best man at his next wedding!

I've not done much public speaking before, so, even although I've practised this speech many times I might end up reading it word for word as it's a lot less daunting than looking at people looking back at me. I appologise in advance if this does happen.

I would also like to remind you that the more you laugh at my jokes, the quicker my speech will be over!

I would like to say a special hello to Sandy's family & friends who have travelled all the way from Mexico and America to be here with us today, it's amazing how far some people will go for a free meal! Seriously, though, it is great to see them here today, let's have a round of applause for coming all this way…
[initiate round of applause]

I think you'll all agree that Sandy looks absolutely stunning today and Tim looks quite impressive, too.
[pause]

I hope you don't mind, but I have prepared a short speech to help celebrate the occasion.
[Drop the bottom part of my long folded pad]

I'm sure you'll all agree that the lovely service this afternoon was quite a moving experience. Even the wedding cake was in tiers!
[pause]
It is now my duty as best man to tell you a few stories about the kind of things that Tim used to get up to when he was a young lad, as we were best friends, most of them involved me. If this doesn't put Sandy off, then nothing will !

I've ommitted some of the more sensitive details, so if you want to know more, I can be bribed for a pint at the bar later!

If the person next to you starts doing a nodding donkey impression, just shout and I'll shut up!

Tim & I met when we were 2 years old, my family had just moved in up the road from Tim. Stella said to my mum ‘my little Timothy hasn't got anyone to play with, can he play with your little boy?’. If only she knew that she was choosing the person who was to be Tim's best man in 34 years time!

We started by playing with each others toy cars and aeroplanes together. As we grew older, the toys got more sophisticated. Tim got a trainset and I got a Scalextric set, then we both got interested in how these things worked, so we both got electronics and physics kits.

One day he told me that his brother, Steve, told him how to create a vacuum in a glass bottle. For some reason, we both thought the prospect of this was very exciting. So we set to work in my mum's kitchen.

We put some water in a big glass bottle, put the lid on and put it directly onto the cooker. We stayed in the kitchen stairing at the bottle for about 10 minutes, the water started to boil, then, 5 minutes later the bottle exploded.

The force was so great it smashed the flourescent kitchen lights and Tim & I were left standing in the middle of a bomb site, surrounded by broken cups and plates. Amazingly enough, we emerged from the kitchen completely unscathed

It was around the same time that we built a radio transmitter from our electronics kits and started ‘Radio Joe’. A radio station named after my pet rabbit. Tim would come round with his pre-recorded tapes every day and we transmitted them.

Only thing was, the transmitter had a range of 50 feet, and so could only be received by my next door neighbours and they were at work, anyway!

We didn't always get on so well, like all relationships, ours had it's ups and downs. We once went for 6 months without saying a single word to each other – we'd pass each other on opposite sides of the road in silence.

This was all because I didn't want to do Tim's paper round one day as he couldn't be bothered to do it. I think we only started talking because our parents got involved!

Then we got into our teens, Tim's appearance has always been important to him, even at that young age he used to shave his eye brows because he thought they were too big.

He has always had a thing about his height, though, or lack of it. I think this must have reached its peak when he stuck little wooden blocks to the bottom of his shoes to make him taller. He walked to town once and spent the rest of the week nursing his blisters!

Later on in our teens we discovered beer and that wonderful feeling you get when you've drank too much!

Here's a picture of Tim with that feeling:

[show picture of Tim with Beer & fag]

Then there was the bus stop. We were going to spend a night in Cambridge Youth Hostel. They locked the doors at 10.30 at night. Of course, we had found a nice pub, and by 10:30, the prospect of not going back to the Hostel and sleeping rough seemed quite exciting.

We stayed at the pub until 11.30 when we left and decided to try sleeping in a field. After a few hours of constant shivering, we decided to walk back into town and find a sheltered bus stop, which we did. Having sat in the bus stop for a while Tim decided to make a fire by burning a few newspapers. Excellent idea, so I thought.

We set fire to a small pile of newspapers, and got nice and warm. The problem was, unfortunately, the fire was on a wooden bench which eventually caught fire itself, at which point we started to get a bit too warm, after frantically trying to put the fire out we decided to make a sharp exit.

We ran down the street, as we turned round too see if it had died down we saw flames bellowing out of the roof. There is now a flower bed where that bus stop used to be!

[pause for laughter]

This must have been our worst act of vandalism ever! – But then again, remember the other night, Tim ? – one for the bar, I think.

Tim has always been very resourceful. A few years ago we arranged to go to a one day music festival. The night before, we decided to go to a nightclub near the festival to get in the mood.

Later that night it was my turn to get the drinks, so I went to the bar and asked Tim how many pints I should get – he said 3, as there were only 3 of us, so I bought 12 pints!

As the bar was very busy, Tim stood at the other end of the bar and asked the people between us to pass the beers along. So when each pint was poured I passed it to the first person who passed it to the next until it eventually got to Tim-a human beer conveyer belt was born.

The problem then was, what do we do with all that beer? – the place was about to shut so Tim drank as much as he could of the remaining 9 pints in about half an hour.

Having dozed in the car all night, Tim spent the whole festival lying on the grass as far away from the music as possible nursing his hangover and feeling generally very ill!

I wont say much more about that period, mainly because we can't remember most of it!

Then we were in our twenties, the opposite sex seemed to become a dominant force, as a result Tim & I didn't see much of each other, he also moved to Oxfordshire and I moved away too. Tim then got married to Sarah which was obviously a trial run before the real thing.

The next chapter in Tim's life began to open. Due to the wonders of the internet he found himself writing to Sandy, all those miles away in sunny Cincinati. Tim used to tell me they got on like a house on fire and shared so many interests, it seemed so natural, right from the start.

And here we are today, ladies and gentlemen, two people from thousands of miles away… I'm sure fate must have had a hand in there somewhere.

Having said that, we mustn't forget that, after their relationship's unconventional begining, it must have been very difficult for Sandy to have left her family and friends to come all this way and set up a new life with Tim.

But then again, Tim hasn't had it easy, either, he had to leave his home so that he could buy a new house and make preparations for his new life together with Sandy.

Having done some research on the subject of marriage, I came up with the following tips that I think will equip them well for the years ahead:

* There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering, torturing and enduring.

* Always tell your wife those 3 little words: ‘you're right, dear’.

* It's also very important to get on with your mother in law. One of my friends didn't speak to his mother in law for 2 years. It wasn't because he didn't like her. It's just that he thought it was too rude to interrupt.

The time has come, you'll be pleased to hear, for me to read the telegrams & cards:

[Read telegrams & cards]

I've been asked to remind you that you will have to pay for your drinks at the bar – I think Tim blew the drinks budget on his own supply of Stella – that's the beer, of course, not his mum!

Oh, and also, as sometimes happens at these events, Tim & Sandy will not be leaving early to go on honey moon, so if it's getting late and your best John Travolta is getting more like Mr. Bean, then you are quite welcome to leave when you like.

And finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day. I started planning this speech a couple of weeks ago, and you must feel like I have been saying it for just as long; but now it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Tim & Sandy.

Tim & Sandy

It is now my pleasure to introduce Juan Carlos, Sandy's brother, to read this speech in Spanish…