Speech by Kevin Griffin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Griffin
Speech Date: Jul 2001
THE CARDS

I've had a think about this as I think it's better that I do the cards now…before Paul walks out in disgust.

A nice note here from the Landlord of Paul's one-time local – The Bell. He says – Sorry I couldn't come, but I wasn't invited – He says here that he wants a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted for behind the bar.

One from the football team Paul used to play for. The Manager has written it and he says ‘we found Paul useless in every position – hope Claire has better luck’.

This is a really special one…it's from Hugh Grant of all people. I didn't know Claire knew Hugh Grant. He writes: ‘I really thought you'd choose me. Anyway, give me a call if the rumours about Paul are true. Love Hugh’.
THE MAIN SPEECH

Before I start…Can I just say at this point if anyone is feeling apprehensive, tense or just a little anxious right now – it's probably because you've just married Paul.

Well this is the point that I've been really looking forward to – the Best Man's speech…One of the ushers said to me that the Best Man's speech is often one of the ‘high-points’ of the reception. With this in mind, you may have seen me these notes during dinner – I'm pleased to tell you that there isn't a dull moment in the next few minutes – the dullness lasts all the way through.

Of course I should have known this – it is after all, what comes of being a Best Man. A man more philosophical than myself once said that being asked to be the best man is a lot like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother. It's a great honour but no-one wants to do it!

I have to say, I was surprised by the amount of responsibility required of me. A book I bought on the subject said that it was my job to make sure the Groom's face and hair are in order – I thought ‘If God couldn't do it for Paul first time round, what chance have I got?’

Being completely honest, I have been very worried about this speech – I mean this is not the first time today that I have come off a warm seat with some paper in my hand…

Obviously it was important to me that the next few minutes would be as interesting as possible for you. Not being a particularly interesting person myself, I came up with the grand idea of talking to a few professional speechwriters.

The idea is, you pay a fortune to someone, give them a load of background information. They then create a speech for you about the couple in question. Laughs guaranteed apparently – one of the adverts actually said as recommended and used by ‘Gordon Brown’.

Sadly, this ‘great escape’ of mine wasn't to be. In all cases when they found out that today was the wedding of one lawyer to another lawyer and in all probability and likelihood attended by a gaggle of other lawyers, they politely refused or declined on the grounds of more pressing deadlines or the fact that their professional insurance wouldn't cover it.

One good thing though…one of my intended speechwriters actually said that the marriage was bound to be a good one. How do you know, I asked? Well, he said, Lawyers don't usually make the same mistake once.

So, I've been racking my brains to think of what to say…

I did ask my wife, Debbie what to do: She said ‘don't try and be clever Kevin – just be yourself!’

I went onto the internet – the most useful thing I found was one of these: (Hold up poster with LAUGH written on)

I then asked my Mum. She told me to tell a few funny stories from when he was little. For instance, she reminded me of one thing…the fact that he was so damned ugly as a child. I remember we used to tie a bone to his neck so the dog would play with him…in fact we did this until the RSPCA got involved.

Then of course there was the business at nursery, Paul was different to all the other 4 and 5 year olds…he was 11!

Mind-you. It wasn't all bad. Paul always tried to be a good Catholic – he used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then he realised that it doesn't work like that so he stole the bicycle and prayed every night for forgiveness.

I have to say I didn't feel comfortable with a speech peppered with petty jokes about him. I mean! It's pretty degrading isn't it? Here I am getting some cheap laughs at Paul's expense. And frankly, friends, I think we've been doing that now for far too long now.

I then consulted my ushers – I asked them what I should say. Being age-old friends of Paul's they were bound to have some stories. Whilst I refer to the ushers, I wonder if I could thank them for doing such a sterling job today. They have been enormously helpful.

I'd like to make special mention of the Chief Usher Steve. Steve helped me enormously in organising the stag weekend and also in some of the organisation today. His full name is ‘Steve do you want a large scotch and coke’ – please don't hesitate to speak to him later. If I could ask for a quick hand for the chaps please.

As I was saying, the ushers each came up with one particular personal story. All of which are equally teeth-itchingly embarrassing. Six individual experiences which Paul would dearly like to forget and which Claire probably knows nothing about.

We couldn't decide which of these great stories to use. So. We thought, who better to choose the manner of the execution but his beautiful bride Claire.

So we have here six envelopes all with a title on which Claire can choose from – I'll read the titles for you…

Ibiza Uncovered – So awful they couldn't include it in the TV show

Nocturnal Wanderings – tales of a sleepwalker

After Hours at The Bell – so awful I can't even give you a hint

Tales from the Fisherbank – some people go fishing for the relaxation, Paul does it for the adrenelin rush

Wakey, Wakey Campers – How Paul wakes his friends up when camping

The Indian Marathon – some people run for charity, some run for fun, some people run out of necessity after 8 pints of lager and a curry

So Claire has chosen the BLANK one. Now seriously, when I read this Paul is really going to get embarrassed…

In fact the Steve and the other guys typed the content of the envelope up for me – so I'm going to have to read the words as they appear on the page. (Open Envelope and Unfold A3 Paper) I see – thanks Steve that's really good…

HOLD SIGN UP SAYING DON'T DO IT!! IN BIG CAPITALS

Well! There's nothing else for it. I'm going to have to rely on my own memories. Of course, you'll have guessed that I am the brother of the groom and despite the speech part of today, of course I am immensely proud and pleased to have been chosen as best man by Paul and Claire.

Really the most embarrassing thing I want to say this afternoon is how proud and pleased I am for Paul today – and how proud I am to have him as a brother. The closeness we have is one of my most important things in my life. I only hope my own children have the closeness we had growing up and the closeness which remains today. I am so pleased for him that Claire and he have found each other.

Paul and I are only 20 months apart in age. We grew up so close and the memories I have of those years, and of growing up together are the most precious anyone could hope for. Our age, and our growing up together explains a great deal. For a start we're very similar. You might have noticed some physical similarities between us – particularly in hairstyles. I tell you – if there was such a thing as the hair-fairy, Paul and I would be very wealthy indeed. (Ad-lib to audience…we left most of it on the pillow)

Some people have said our voices are quite similar too: I would say that the voice you hear now is exactly the same one that Paul used to have before he joined the Legal Profession.

There's another similarity which you won't know about. We have now both married girls from Yorkshire which I think warrants some comment. Now, I am a great fan of girls from Yorkshire. Not only are they intelligent, beautiful, genetically perfect, great mothers, great cooks and totally brilliant at s…..speaking their minds.

They are also very good at winning arguments. In fact there is something I need to say here. I am married to the lovely Debbie here – we've just celebrated our shrapnel anniversary – 12 years. You really haven't lived, absolutely have not lived AT ALL unless you've lost an argument with a girl from Yorkshire. I think I can say that I have lived life to the full. I am sure Paul will too.

Talking of Yorkshire girls – I've been dying to say a few words about Claire. I have always wanted a sister – and finally Paul has given me something I've actually wanted. It goes without saying how much we all love Claire and the sunshine she has brought to all our lives in marrying Paul is immense. I think Claire looks wonderfully stunning today. Seldom can there have been such a luminescent bride. I for one say that we couldn't have asked for a warmer, kinder, intelligent more lovely person than we have in the new Mrs Griffin. It goes without saying that she really deserves the best husband… I am just so pleased that she married Paul before she found one.

I suppose that a Best Man's speech would be the same without some reference to the stag weekend. Apparently organising the stag-do is one of the Best Man's main responsibilities. I know Paul has been worried about me discharging these…and he was very nearly right. Imagine his face as all 12 of arrived at a hotel's in Copenhagen only for Mr G***** (me) to have a fax handed to him saying that the travel firm we booked with went out of business while we were flying over. The rooms we'd booked were no longer valid. Well, I sorted it out, but watching Paul go several shades of grey was amusing.

Now, many of you will be thinking that we got up to typical ‘stag-do’ shenanigans whilst away…which just isn't true…here we were…12 ‘30 –somethings’ away in a foreign land, sampling the ale, meeting a lovely people in the Danes… and seeing the wonderful architecture and engineering…being taught the difference between the Swedish and Danish kroner…I can say…categorically that noting untoward went on in Copenhagen…excuse me (atischoo – big sneeze whereupon I bring out fancy bra from pocket)

So, you'll be pleased to hear that there's not much more for me to do or say. Obviously, thank-you for listening, and for laughing in the right places. Except those on Table 7…Keep an eye out for Paul dancing later – proof indeed that you don't need style, grace or a sense of rhythm to enjoy yourself.

My last duty is to thank and acknowledge the Bridesmaids for looking beautiful –for getting Claire ready and for allowing me to respond on their behalf. You really have done a wonderful job both of you. And, you look wonderful too. Of course you both get to dance with me later! You'll look forward to that no doubt.

The speech is over – it actually took one month of planning – which is only slightly more than it took to deliver. I think it's great what you're allowed to say when you're not under oath. Couple of announcements: Copies of the real envelopes are available at reception priced only £10.00 each. I also have a slightly used copy of the Bob Monkhouse Book of One Liners for sale.

Please would you charge your glasses and drink with me, to the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune to a wonderful couple: May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever – to Paul and Claire, to the Bride and Groom.