Speech by Kevin Homeyard

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Homeyard
Speech Date: nov 2003
Introduction –

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman. Thank you all for
coming today from far and wide to celebrate this
special day.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers, may I thank
you M and V for your kind words and gifts and the
chance to be part of this day, I am sure that everyone
present will agree that the bridesmaids look lovely.

As you have probably guessed I am the best man. My
full name for those of you who dont know me is
Kevin, would you like a drink, so dont be afraid of
using it when addressing me at the bar.

I did had a little chat with the Vicar before the
ceremony. I was a little bit worried that he might
object to the fact that M and V had sex before the
marriage, but he reassured me that it wouldnt matter
as long as it didnt delay the start of the ceremony.

Well, since I was asked to be the best man, I have
been informed by many people including my Gran, that
their are many good things about being the best man
such as:-

It is an honour and a pleasure to be asked, and it
is something you dont get to do everyday – but so is
being ask to make love to the Queen, its an honour but
no-one quite fancies the job.
You get the best view at the church – ok but you
cant get away with mimming during the hymns.
Free food and beer – thats certainly a good reason
to attend in my books.
First choice of the drunken bridesmaids – this
would be fine, although I am sure my fiancie would not
agree!!!

Genuinely; I can assure you standing here, for me this
is a proud and exciting time, but with this
responsibility of the role including, delivering M on
time and sober, making a speech, comes the nerves. And
it seems there is not much between the effect of the
nerves of today and having 10 pints and a hot Chicken
Vindaloo.

And its certainly not the first time I have stood up
from a warm seat with paper in my hand.

I'm sure a number of the guys here today have been a
best man at a wedding before, but I wonder how many of
you have ever received written guidelines from the
bride-to-be?!!!!

I would like to read you an e-mail that V sent me
prior to the wedding.
(produce e-mail) drop 20/30 sheets
Only kidding here is it (1 page)

PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL E-MAIL

Kevin,

I was very pleased when M asked you to be best man at
our wedding. I instantly knew he had made the right
decision.

As we get close to the wedding, most tasks have been
taken care of but there are two areas that do cause me
a little concern………….your speech and your
conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to
write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at
M, with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but
I do want you to remember that this is our special
day.

With this in mind, please take note of the following
and I'm sure we'll all have wonderful day.

DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let M sing
DO NOT let M drink Babycham
DO NOT let M drink
DO NOT mention M's little problem

Love
V
x

Now, while I cannot promise to keep to each these
demands, I have tried to take the responsibility of
best man very seriously indeed. I would like to share
with you a couple of my duties that Ive been involved
with..…

Firstly, comes the potentially delicate duty of
keeping Ms ex-girlfriends out of the way today.
Thankfully, this has been made a lot easier for two
reasons:

Quite frankly, there aren't that many

and

the foot and mouth outbreaks in Dartmoor and the new
forest last year, pretty much wiped out the remaining
unfortunate few

Seriously, I must say I have known M for 26 years and
spent many happy hours in Spainish/Portgusee Pubs over
the years, and it is really good to see M so happy and
that he has found his perfect bride in V.

They are a wonderful couple and a pleasure to be with,
and I am lucky to of gained another friend with M
marrying V.

I thought I would write a little ode for everyone
today

An ode to M

—-

Before I go, Id like to recount a cautionary tale
about marriage.

A father took his son aside on his wedding day and
said, Son, the key to a stress free marriage is
making sure the man is in charge, and today is the day
you have to make sure she understands that! Ill tell
you a little secret, on my wedding night, I took off
my Y fronts and threw them at you mother and said put
those on!
But I cant wear these she said, theyre far to
big!
Thats right I said, And dont you forget that its
me who wears the pants round here!
The son smiled and thanked his dad for the advice.
Later that night, when he and his new bride got into
the hotel bedroom, he slipped off his Calvin Kleins
and threw them at her. Put those on! he said.
But I cant wear these she said, Theyre far too
big!
Thats right, he said, And dont forget its me who
wears the pants in round here! With that, she slipped
off her thong and threw it at him. Put that on! she
said.
Dont be stupid! he protested, I cant get into
your knickers!
No she said, And with that attitude, you never
will!

And after I must say on the Stag Weekend in Barcelona
last weekend, V you better be a bit wary of Ms
underwear, as during the football match at the Nou
Camp, M even tried to get on the pitch to play with
his little blue dress and pink stockings and Slippers
on.

It was a fun weekend and thanks for all the lads
coming and making it a great weekend.

On a slightly more serious note, I think everyone will
agree that V looks absolutely fabulous today, and it
has been such a great day .

To tie it all together I have a few cards I have to
read out from some people who could not make it today

CARDS –
———————————————-

Normal 1

Normal 2

To M and V,
>From your footballing friends
Bob and Martha Farkum and all the whole Farkum Family

Normal Cards.

Well – It would give me great pleasure, to invite you
all to stand and raise your glasses to join me in a
toast to V and M, The Bride and Groom. We wish you
health, happiness and a long and fruitful life
together. Cheers