Speech by Kevin Hughes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Hughes
Speech Date: nov 2002
THE SPEECH!

My turn already? I'm amazed how that's come round so quickly – it only seems like this morning I was running around the house in a state of panic, frantically scribbling down a few notes on the back of an coaster…

I know I really shouldn't be nervous. After all, I am used to standing in front of large groups of people. It's just that usually, I don't have to say anything – the music's on loud and I just wiggle my backside for a bit and swirl my trousers round my head for a few minutes. Three evenings a week at the Playboy club down the road if you're interested…

No, I'm fine really. I picked up a great trick a few weeks ago to steady my nerves. Whenever I got the speech shakes, I told myself it was nothing to be embarrassed about, there were worse things to worry about on the day – I mean, you're all gonna see me dancing later… apologies in advance for that…

Right, let's get started. Ladies and Gentlemen, my name's Kev, and I'm Matthew's best man.

I'd like to think he chose me for this prestigious role because of our long and distinguished friendship, though he did admit earlier it was more to do with the fact I live across the road and strolling over to knock on my door was easier than making any phone calls.

Before I start trying to raise some laughs – please – I'd like to first say a few thank-yous.

Thanks, of course, to Matt's kind words, they mean a lot.

I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids – Georgia, Phoebe and Caroline – who all look fantastic and did a smashing job today. Also to the ushers, Pete and Simon, for their help in making sure everything ran smoothly today; Simon, in particular, for aiding and abetting me in the plotting of Matt's stag day bonanza!

I would also like to say how wonderful Suzanne looks and what a lucky man Matthew is. They married today for better and for worse. Matt couldn't have done better and Suzanne couldn't have done…

Okay, I'll start at the beginning. For those of you who perhaps don't know Matthew's background so well, I'll take you through a whistle-stop tour of his life so far.

We met at school. I wouldn't say we were friends exactly – because in those days he didn't really have any. He was a lonely little kid – while I'd be hanging out with a big bunch of mates playing football, he'd be on his own in a corner of the playground. I think it was because he used to talk to himself a lot, eat gravel and wear those funny little shorts (indicate shorts on legs), even in winter.

For a 15-year-old, it was a bad, bad, move.

Gradually, we became mates. First, I used to let him pay for my dinner, then carry my bags to school, then write all my English essays for me.

At 18, Matt left school after studying for his A levels. He'd certainly made his mark on the place – his record of captaining the cricket team to 15 straight defeats meant the team was scrapped in Year Nine, and he also brought about the cancellation of the traditional staff v Sixth Form football match when he nearly crippled the head of PE with a shocking two-footed tackle.

It was time for him to decide on a career, so he opted to go with what was his main passion in life. Hooked on TV dramas such as Casualty and Shortland Street, and obsessed with giving naked old men bed baths, he travelled up to Sheffield to begin nurse training. I'm told that the city's OAP ward was full to the rafters when Matt and his magic hands were in town!

Let's fast forward a few years in time to what has been the single most important moment of Matt's life – meeting Suzanne.

I believe it was on holiday, and although I wasn't there at the time, I've seen their very first photo together. Matt's grinning all over his face, looking pleased as punch, Suzanne's in a pose which is a bit like (show head in hands).

I remember Matthew returning from that holiday and excitedly telling me all about Suzanne – I thought she was just another imaginary girlfriend (like all the others – he was always making them up), but he began to pursue her ruthlessly.

She changed her phone number, her address, her name, but he wouldn't give in and – excuse me for being cheesy – romance blossomed. And here they are today.

Now, I don't want to trot out all the old clichés at this moment about these two being made for each other, because I think everyone who knows them, and has known them these past few years, can see that for themselves. I'll just say that it's obvious Matthew and Suzanne, together with Georgia, have a wonderful future ahead of them. I wish them the very best, and I'm sure you all do too.

Okay, I'm nearly finished. But I can't let you go without treating you all to one story about Matthew. I know you'd be disappointed if I didn't.

Here goes.

We were both 18, had just finished our A levels and were basically spending our days lazing around. With time on our hands we soon realized we had to earn some money but being cocky then, we didn't fancy typical shop jobs.

One day, we noticed an ad in the local paper asking for male models.

That's us, we thought. We're model material.

We dialed the number.

A husky-voiced female answered and starting asking questions.

How tall? What build? Hair colour? Muscles? Chiseled features?

We thought we were on our way, till she told us we weren't tall enough for catalogue work.

“Don't worry though lads,” she said. (I won't do the husky voice.) “We could use you – for naked modeling. Nude stuff.”

There was a horrified silence.

“What?”

“I know ladies’ magazines who want models of all shapes and sizes.”

Of course, we told her we weren't interested in posing naked for large amounts of money, but by then she'd got our names and addresses, and lo and behold, a few days later, invitations for ‘auditions’ arrived.

We agreed not to go.

But on the day of the audition, when I went round to Matt's, he wasn't there.

All day.

Didn't answer his phone.

I passed it off as nothing, didn't give it a second thought, until, walking into my local newsagents weeks later, my jaw fell to the floor.

I've kept quiet about it until now but, ladies and gentlemen, if you open the envelope on your tables you'll see the terrible secret I've carried on my shoulders for nearly ten years…

Guests open envelope to see a magazine front cover with an image of the groom's head placed on top of a bloke with a huge belly. There's a Peterborough United FC ‘PUFC’ tattoo on the bloke's stomach. The mag's called ‘Stud Muffin’…

… Matt, I hope you got paid well!

And on that bombshell, we've reached the end. All that remains for me to do is ask each and every one of you to join me in a toast.

Charge your glasses for…

THE BRIDE AND GROOM!