Speech by Kevin Lington

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Lington
Speech Date: Sep 2001
INTRO

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen

I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a fantastic day so far,

But every silver lining has a cloud, and I'm yours.

For those of you who don't know me,

My name is “ Kevin Would-you-like-a-drink. “

Please feel free to call me by my full name later, when I'm at the bar!

NERVOUS
I'd just like to say that I've been really nervous about doing this speech,

In fact, this is about the 5th time today that I've got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

THANKS
I'd like to start traditionally and thank Ian, on behalf Alice our lovely young bridesmaid, for his kind words.

And can I say what a great job she's done today and add how wonderful she looks.

I think you'll all also agree that Paula looks like one in a million

And Ian, on the other hand looks like he was won in a raffle!

Not forgetting the two ushers Ben and Daniel, they have performed their duties admirably.

Finally, thanks to you all,

I'd just like to thank everyone for coming and sharing their special day with them, particularly those who have travelled long distances.

On behalf of myself,

I kind of wished you'd all stayed at home and made my job a whole lot easier.

Seriously though, It's really great to see you all here today.

A wise man once said that being asked to be the Best Man is like making love to the Queen Mother.…

It'd be a great honour,

But nobody really wants to do it.

RESEARCH AND DUTIES
When I first agreed to be best man, I felt very touched and honoured that Ian had asked me,

But those feelings have long gone out the window as I stand here terrified and shaking before you all.

This is my first experience in playing such a large role in a wedding, and I appreciate Ian & Paula giving me the opportunity to make a fool of myself amongst their friends and family.

Since I really had no idea what exactly a best man should do or be responsible for

I had to go and find out about such things as the best man's speech & wedding format.

Now apparently a best man should be:

# Reliable,

# Loyal

# And Trustworthy.

The only reason I can think of why Ian asked me, is that he wanted someone who would make him look good in the wedding photos!

I discovered that there are 3 key elements to the wedding service.

They are as follows……..…

The Aisle – It's the longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – The place where 2 become 1.
The Hymn – The celebration of the marriage.

I think that Paula may have also been reading the same book, because as she was standing next to Ian in church today, I'm sure I heard her saying the words…………
“I'll alter him…I'll alter him!”

You can't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself.

I mean 30 <cough> years ago Paula's family were sending her to bed with a dummy

And here they are doing it again.

Oh yes, the best mans checklist.

Apparently, before the groom went down the aisle,

I should have:

# Helped the groom get dressed – well he should be able to do

that himself by now

# Made sure the groom used the toilet – I sent him in there, but I

wasn't going to watch

# Gotten him to the church on time – I guess that went ok.

# Made sure groom's face and hair were in order – well if god didn't put them in order the first time what hope did I have

And finally,

# Ensured the groom's fly was done up – that's when I realized maybe mum should have been the best man…

I wasn't overly worried as best men usually are, with regard to unexpected ex-girlfriends arriving,

Well I've got Foot and mouth to thank for that.

I thought I'd better take my role seriously,

So I actually did some research.

I delved into the history books to see what else has happened on September 1st in the past.

Most of you here will probably recall, its 16 years exactly since they found the Titanic, 73 years after it sank!!

However, I think a much more interesting fact, is what happened on September 1st 1934.

That was the day on which the famous Alcatraz prison, accepted its first inmates. Young men were taken away from their families where they led a life of solitary confinement from which there was no escape.

They were endlessly tortured, humiliated constantly and basically forced to do whatever their masters wanted.

I'm sure that in Paula picking today, it was a complete co-incidence.

CARDS

<Read a Serious one>

My Darling Paula, we could have been so good together, call me if he goes off the boil,

love Ricky Martin xxx

<Read a Serious one>

My Darling Ian, we could have been so good together, call me if she goes off the boil,

love Ricky Martin xxx

<Read a Serious one>

Hope all goes well on the night, and if you need any tips then give me a call on 0898 696969 –

love, Hotlips!

<Read a Serious one>

I'll leave the key under the back doormat, love the Queen Mother.

(Oh sorry that's one of mine, how did that get in)!!

<Read a Serious one>

From the Dominican Republic

“Congratulations to you both on this special day.

We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a memorable one.

Please do not worry if there is a slight delay when checking in,

As we are putting something very special on – The roof!”

WORDS OF WISDOM

Before I do the toasts, it's customary to give a few words of wisdom.

I must confess I HAVE spent the last few months talking to many different women

purely for research purposes of course.

Ian now Remember

# Never go to bed on an argument- stay up and fight

Incidentally I looked up the Definition of the word Argument in the dictionary
It reads:
Argument – A discussion that occurs when she is right but you just don't realise it yet!

# Always remember whose boss, and never answer her back

# It's important to get on with your mother-in-law. A mate of mine didn't speak to his for two years.

NOT because He didn't like her… It's just that he believes it's rude to interrupt.

# You may have exchanged rings today, but there are more than 2 rings in a marriage, there are suffering enduring and torturing

Before I forget, I wrote this is especially for the Bride

Paula, – If you love something, set it free

# If it comes back – it was, and always will be yours

# If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with

# If it just sits around, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone,

Takes your money and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place

Then you either married it or gave birth to it.

Ok, this is the part in the speech where I'd like Ian and Paula to participate.

Paula, if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table.…

Ian, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Paula's…

Now Ian, please take a moment to basque in this, as it is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand.

THE TOAST.

In all seriousness though, my final words go to the bride & groom.

I'm very proud to be best man here today and proud to have friends like Ian and Paula.

Ian you are an excellent friend and it has truly been an honour being your Best man.

Paula is a lovely person, she deserves a good husband, and it looks to me as if she has found one in you.

So on that note, it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief.

To invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a couple of toasts.

# Firstly, to some very important people, without whom the day just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure we will all get a chance to talk to them at some stage of the evening and to share this special day with them.

So, if you could join me in a toast.

To the bar staff.

# Secondly, to the parents of both the bride & the groom, for doing such a wonderful job raising two great kids.

“The parents”

# …and lastly, to Ian and Paula,

Mr. & Mrs. Kelly. We wish them eternal happiness together for the future,

“Mr. & Mrs. Kelly.”

Go forth & multiply!!!!