Speech by Kevin McKeon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin McKeon
Speech Date: Sep2004
Kevin – Ladies and Gents before I continue I would like to point out to those of you who may be feeling the effects of the alcohol that there are actually 2 of us standing up here and no you are not seeing double.

Firstly, I would like to say how pleasing it is to see so many of Greg and Amanda's close relatives and friends who have joined them on their wedding day. It never fails to amaze me the distance some people will travel for some free grub.

OK, Ladies and Gents it is an absolute privilege for Iain and me to be standing here as Greg's best men. Since Greg asked us to perform this honour we have been seeking advice on the duties we have to perform. One of the main duties is obviously to ensure Greg arrives on time and looking as sharp as possible for his big-day!

So in order to fulfil this duty, and not that we don't trust Greg, we felt it necessary to stay here last night and after a few sociable ones in the bar and sharing a room with Greg I can confirm to you all that he slept like a baby………that is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times crying for his MUMMY!

Iain -Another duty of course is to thank Greg on behalf of the bridesmaids, for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today. Wouldn't you agree Kevin?

Kevin – Absolutely, and it is no wonder as the girls have had their hair done by Nicki Clark, dresses from Armani and make-up by Ronseal.

Iain – well it's certainly done what it says on the tin

Iain – I must say when Kevin and I met up to prepare our speech I was a little disturbed to hear him say that he was going to bed one of the bridesmaids tonight……………..that was until I realised his wife Suzi was one…………………….it was Suzi you were talking about wasn't it Kevin????

Kevin – Well, as you know I'm not that fussy!

Iain – Now if we were to follow tradition, we would delve into the lesser known stories of Greg's life and bring up things about his ex girlfriends. I don't think that's fair however as they're not here to defend themselves…….foot & mouth took it's toll unfortunately.

Kevin – Greg,…….… Amanda's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one!
Seriously though Greg, you are a lucky groom; you've got Amanda. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.
And Amanda, you've got…………..Greg.

Kevin – We've known Greg for some 25+ years and I spent my entire schooling with Greg so as you can imagine when preparing our speech we had a mountain of material to choose from. However the main problem we were faced with was what to leave in.

Thankfully, however I managed to come across a couple of Greg's old school report cards and I would like to share with you a few of his old teacher's remarks:-

Guidance – In summary Greg is an ideal student who has excelled at most subjects, however on closer examination and once the tippex was removed it actually read……….In summary Greg is an idol student who has been expelled from most subjects.

Kevin – Craft and Design – Greg has a real difficulty in differentiating between millimetres and inches………………some things will never change.

Music – I really admire Greg's hands on approach although it would be advised that Greg joins a band instead of playing with himself.

Finally RE – Greg still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

I can always remember when Greg left school to join BT and I asked how he was settling in with his new colleagues and how the job was going in general. Absolutely brilliant was his reply I can't believe they think I'm God and I've not even been at BT that long.

Kevin – I obviously nodded and smiled at the time but to be honest it's always something that has puzzled me, so thankfully I was introduced to a couple of Greg's colleagues who put me right.

“Aye, we think Greg is God because we never see him, he makes up his own rules and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle!”

Iain – Another miracle is certainly how Greg managed to pull someone like Amanda.
I can still remember the night they first met. It was at that famous romantic venue known as THE NETHERTON CHIPPY. Greg tells me it was love at 1st sight as he saw this beautiful girl make her way towards him through a sea of empty Buckfast bottles. Amanda tells me she was drunk and just fancied a snog.

Over the next few weeks Greg then did as any young Casanova would – He took Amanda to the cinema, out for meals and of course paid her into the Majestic. …………It was a few months before he sneaked Amanda back to his bedroom.

Iain – Now I'm not sure whether it took him so long to do this because he was such a gentleman or because he was afraid he'd be dumped when Amanda saw the state of his bedroom with month's worth of half eaten take-aways and dirty dishes.

ANYWAY he tells me he had a good trick in these days so that his mum and dad wouldn't know Amanda was…..erm……..visiting. He and Amanda would walk up the stairs in tandem, 1 foot after the other so that his parents thought it was just Greg going up the stairs and weren't any the wiser…………..did they fool you Mrs Fleming? (turn to Mrs F)

Kevin – As I mentioned earlier Religious Education was never one of Greg's strong points which is surprising as he showed great promise when he served as an alter-boy at St Bernadette's, but once his attention was diverted by the opposite sex Greg decided to leave the alter well behind, that is until today obviously.

After Greg met Amanda you could always account for his whereabouts after 18:00 on a Sunday night, sorry to shatter the illusion John and Geraldine, but your son was not attending Sunday evening mass, he would be making a bee-line to Islay Quadrant where he would be doing all the ground work needed in ensuring Amanda would be the next Mrs Fleming……….thankfully for your sake Greg all the ducking and diving paid off.

Iain – Since these days Greg & Amanda's relationship has progressed somewhat. This culminated in them moving in together and Greg becoming all domesticated.

Although he may not act like it when he's out with the lads, Greg thinks he's a bit of a modern man and likes to think of himself as a bit of a cordon bleu chef……………… He's always boasting about the fantastic bolognaise he's just made or the tasty fillet stake he's just grilled on the George Foreman. I for one am very sceptical……………..… After all LADIES & GENTS this is the guy who thought coq – au – vin was making love in a transit.

Kevin – Going back to our school days, 6th year in particular, Greg and I represented Our Lady's High at Hampden Park in the Strathclyde Schools cup final, this until today was probably Greg's greatest achievement. The main difference between then and now is that you will no doubt score tonight.

And on that note, as best men we've been told that we have to offer a small piece of advice to Greg and he'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can easily be compared to his 2nd great passion in life……..football

1.I – Ensure you're fully committed every week
2.K – Make sure you score every Saturday
3.I – Don't put your tackle in too hard or you may do yourself an injury
4.K – Make sure you change ends at half time
5.I – No tackling from behind especially on your wedding night
6.K – Amanda has also assured us……that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is certainly the quickest way onto the transfer market
I – We were going to include one about going down in the box but thought better of it!

Iain – Moving onto another of Greg's passions………..Golf
As some of you may be aware Greg has recently caught the golf bug and is never off the course now. Greg – as someone who likes to keep fit I must warn you-
I attended a golf convention recently and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers. This study indicated that married guys who play golf are "much fatter" than single ones.
The reason for this is quite simple…………………… The single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his fridge…………….… He finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed.
Iain – The married golfer on the other hand goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed……..… finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his fridge………………….SO BE WARNED!
Kevin – I would now like to share with you all a conversation I overheard while in the chemists last week between a father and son. The boy is quizzing his dad as to why condoms are available in 3 packs, 6 packs and 12 packs.
The father begins to tell his son that teenage boys buy the 3 packs as they use 1 on a Friday night, 1 on a Saturday night and 1 on a Sunday night.
He then says lads in their 20’s buy 6 packs as they use 2 on a Friday night, 2 on a Saturday night and 2 on a Sunday night.
And finally it's married men who buy the 12 packs as they use 1 in January, 1 in February, 1 in March etc…
And in light of this we would like to help Greg on his way by presenting him with the married man starter pack.
Iain, if could you do the honours please? (Presents a 12 pack of condoms).
It was our intention however to give you a 6 pack but we couldn't deny you sex six months out of the year.
Iain – I think we've done enough now to tarnish Greg's reputation so we now have a few telegrams to read from absent friends and relatives:

Iain -. To the groom,
A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
PS. Will you be renewing your subscription?
From all the staff at The Fantasy Channel

Kevin – To Greg,
Is marriage really for you. You made a big impression on us, we hope we didn't leave any on you.

From all the girls at Legs&Co.

Real telegrams – Iain 1, Kevin 1 etc

Iain – Ladies and gentleman, it gives me the great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the 2 people who without them today would not have been so special…………………………LADIES & GENTLEMEN………………..THE BAR STAFF

Kevin – Seriously though, Greg and Amanda we hope that your love for one another is modern enough to survive the times, yet old fashioned enough to last forever……………… You really are a perfect match.

Ladies and Gentlemen we give you the Bride and Groom!

Thanks.