Speech by Kevin Smyth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kevin Smyth
Speech Date: aug 2002

(Loud Sigh, Shake head)

Good Afternoon Everyone, I hope you're all having a good day and enjoying this special occasion……much as I was until about 30 seconds ago.

When Paul initially asked me to be Best Man I was touched and honoured that he felt I was responsible enough for such a task…..But those feelings have long since disappeared as I stand here before you all quaking………..and anyway, I think Paul only asked me because he wanted to see if I could speak in public for more than five minutes and not swear!

Now when you are asked to be Best Man it seems as if every man and his dog has advice for you on style, content and delivery…..most of it instantly forgettable..…

But one piece I did remember was to make sure that the speech lasts no longer than the time it takes for the groom to make love…….so with that, thanks for your time and enjoy the rest of the day.

(Sit down)

Sorry mate, had to do it……..but think yourself lucky, I could have asked myself why I bothered starting!

At this point I would like to thank Paul on behalf of Ceri Ann and Lille for his kind words..

And I would also like to add my own appreciation. I'm sure you all agree that they both look exquisite in their dresses, and I know Emma will want me to thank them for their help in making this special day.

And personally I would like to thank Rhys, Wiggy and Freddie for their help as ushers today…….a top class display of ushering chaps……and an improvement on a previous wedding where an elderly aunt being escorted up the aisle turned to her usher and jokingly remarked, ‘What a lovely couple we make’……..to which he replied, ‘In your dreams sweetheart!!’

Now Emma, you look absolutely stunning today……..unlike Paul who just looks stunned…………….what a great couple, Emma….one in a million…..Paul, won in a school raffle!

When I was first given the job and told that I'd have to do a speech I settled on the (Raise Arm Theatrically) ‘To be or not to be’ scene from Hamlet…….Unfortunately someone pointed out that the speech had to be of my own making so I frantically started research on this…..…

Firstly I thought I would borrow from some of the great public speakers of history……..however Stalin, Hitler and Castro didn't do too much in the way of Best Man's speeches…..…

So I changed tack slightly and looked up the keyword in a dictionary for inspiration..…

The Oxford definition of wedding is ‘The removal of unwanted plants from the garden’….(Quizzical face)……But I'm assuming that was a printers error………and so once again I changed tack.

After a tip from Paul I looked on the internet from inspiration…….and at a few sites he sent me to look at for ideas……..not quite sure how the ‘Page 3 girls play volleyball’ website was meant to help………but I was certainly inspired!

I did actually find a website that listed the tasks the best man is meant to fulfill……..and so I worked my way through the checklist.

Organise Stag do – Fortunately we had two excellent gentlemen who took this task over for me and arranged a lovely cultural weekend in Prague………unfortunately the ‘What goes on tour, stays on tour’ rules still apply, but suffice to say it's never a proper stag do unless one of the party manages to close a major city airport for two and half hours!
Help the groom to dress………..Fraid not, if the boy can't do it himself by now then he probably isn't ready for marriage anyway……..though if I had helped him we could have avoided turning up in similar outfits.
Ensure he goes to the toilet before hand………again I think not
Make sure his shoelaces are tied………..It was at this point that I checked to see that this wasn't his mother's checklist for little Paulie's first day at nursery.
And finally, make a speech for the bride and groom……….it didn't say anything about you lot listening in as well………which personally I thought they might have mentioned!

There was a bit about keeping Paul's ex's away………but between BSE and the Foot & Mouth crisis some have been quarantined, but most are too busy foaming at the mouth and generally going mad to be able to attend.

Emma, I feel I must tell you about the man you have married, Paul is generous to a fault, witty, urbane, intelligent, handsome and just about the per…….per……….(Turn to Paul)Sorry Paul, I can't read your writing mate………………I told you to type it!

Paul has learned and absorbed so much ofver the ten years that I've known him…….for instance, the first time I ever met him I knew he learned that very aftenoon, ‘NEVER LET YOUR DRUNKEN FRIEND WITH CLIIPERS CUT YOUR HAIR’……….I honestly thought he was going to a fancy dress party as Friar Tuck.

I also know you're in safe hands with Paul ‘Safety First’ Emmett……Just don't ever ask him to move a fish tank for you………
Now Paul's concern for others showed itself after an unfortunate car crash on a weekend away with some of the college rugby team. Some (Cough) ‘hi-jinx’ in a car on a corn field ended with us speeding towards the wrong side of the field and before you could say ‘Joe, that's not a road’ the car was on it's roof….the driver and passenger suspended by their seatbelts and a mixture, part human, part upholstery where the back seat once was……..Now I don't know what you think the correct procedure is in these circumstances, but from my position at the bottom of the humanity/upholstery pile it was along the lines of, ‘Get out of the car, get off me now, you're really quite heavy’………however, Paul's view from the top of the pile……..in an upturned car……..in a ditch………in the middle of the night……..in the middle of nowhere…..was to reach between the front two seats and put on the hazard lights!!!

Now I'm not too sure quite how many late night harvesting farmers in tractors this stopped from hurtling into us……..But I think I can say for all of us who were in the car that we were thankful for Paul's calm reaction!!

I actually did ask Paul's mum and dad for any embarassing photos to help me with this speech………and she did show me a happy christmas snap of the groom naked in front of the fireplace eating chocolates…………however I had to turn it down as it was only taken last December!!

Even Emma couldn't………or wouldn't help………I think it must be that rare condition called love…………but I hear that in some cases that it is curable by marriage.

Since Paul met Emma, I've noticed him change…….and I think we all knew pretty early on that this was for keeps……….I think I realised the extra effort he was making to try and impress when he first brought Emma round to the (AHEM) somewhat messy flat I shared with Gary and Freddie at the time…….and without words saying, ‘Look….this is what you could have won…….aren't you lucky to have neat and tidy me!!’

I also know that Paul was very excited when he found out that Emma was a Virgin………..(Pause)

(Turn over page)

…….air crew member, and might be able to get cheap flights!!

Sorry, I really should have sorted out these page breaks before I started!

Before I finish I'd like to pass on a few tips to our dashing groom to help with a successful marriage………

Three words you should say once a day for the rest of your life that the lady in your life loves to hear………’Your right dear’

Remember Paul, Confucious say….’A man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man………a man who gives in when he is right is married!’

There are two vital ingredients for success……they are honesty and wisdom.
Honesty – No matter what, no matter how it affects you, always keep your word once you have given it.
Wisdom – Never give your word in the first place.

And lastly, never…..ever….swear at your wife if there are ladies present!

I would also have given you advice on how to cope with mother in laws but I couldn't find any that didn't end with hope they live in another continent.

Suffice to say that Mother in law is an anagram of Woman Hitler!!

Before I give the toast I'd like to say to my friend Paul that I'm so happy for you and Emma today………we've been through a lot and you've been like a brother to me……..I can't think of anyone who deserves more happiness than you and Emma.

That said……..thanks for finally admitting that I'm the best man!!

So please ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls………please be upstanding and raise your glasses to happy couple…….to Paul and Emma.

(Bow, take applause………..run full pelt to the toiltet!!!)