Speech by Kiaran

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kiaran
Speech Date: 28/08/2016 22:15:29

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Good afternoon, for those who don't know me already, I'm Kiaran, otherly known as Ell's best man, yet I'm clearly not ‘Best’ enough to be given a seat at the top table!

I'm sure you would all agree that everything has been superb so far. Unfortunately, you can't expect perfection on a day like today, which is why you now have me for the next few minutes.

I know what you'll all be expecting from a best man speech, but before we get into any of Ells past, I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank him for his kind words towards the bridesmaids on doing an utterly fantastic job today, each one of you is looking lovely.  I'd also like to thank everyone else who has helped make this day special, you all know who you are and I'm positive these two couldn't have done it without you.

Malcolm and Anita, you've always been like a second set of parents to me – even if Malcolm doesn't reciprocate the feelings – but I'd just like to say a special thank you to you Anita from Ell and myself, you've done an unbelievable job with the wedding including being on hand with the hairspray all day. I know it's been tough but I'm pretty sure everyone else is thinking the same thing as me; Ross's hair is looking absolutely fabulous!

I know this must be an extremely nerve-racking moment as parents, seeing your little boy all grown up taking a huge step in life. I agree, delivering a best man speech is a huge deal I and hope I do you proud! Ell, I'm sure they're proud of you too…

Ashleigh, the beautiful bride, you and the dress look absolutely stunning (which does actually makes a pleasant change from the sweaty gym lycra I've become accustomed to the recent times we've seen each other). But even so, with your wit, beauty and elegance, I think everyone will agree that Ell is certainly punching above his weight.

I've known Ell for a long time now; it's around 10 years since we started playing American football together back in school. Not much has changed from being 13 to be honest; he's still 6ft 4, very immature and those shovels he calls hands certainly haven't gotten any smaller! But it wasn't until I went to college that we became really close friends, back in the days of orange Wednesday ‘man dates’ and Friday nights at Kong sampling Darlington's finest… beer and spirits that is! Him and me both struggled to catch a cold let alone any of the opposite sex!

I know a big part of the best man speech is to laugh and joke at the groom's expense by filling you in about all the stupid and embarrassing things he's done, but I think I might have to try and reign this one in a little bit, just so the guy can still look you all in the eyes after I'm finished. I'm sure he wouldn't be overly pleased if I spoke about the time he broke into my Uni halls by climbing through a neighbour's kitchen window. And I shouldn't really mention when I picked him up from a night out and had the pleasure of explaining to a local bobby why a steaming 19 year old was hanging out of my passenger window to after getting pulled over.

But there's one thing for certain, I wouldn't dream of embarrassing the lad by detailing his little hot tub accident, some things are just off limits! Ell – you know you've dodged a bullet here!

So with a few incidents only briefly being mentioned, maybe there are some things that I can talk about openly without Ashleigh suddenly regretting saying the phrase ‘I Do’.

He's done some daft things over the years; only 4 weeks ago he managed to walk 10 miles home after the first night of the stag do wearing only one shoe! Venturing through moss side during the early hours of the morning wasn't a very clever idea either, although he did tell me he met some lovely bluds and crips that gave him directions home. I must say however; spraying a fire extinguisher all over the walls of my uni flat didn't score him very highly with the security blokes! Ell, you do actually still owe me for that btw! We can just call it quits if you like though; mines a double rum and coke and I'll get everyone else's put onto a tab behind the bar for you.

But one particular highlight however has to be crashing his first car into the curb and completely smashing up its front axle. This was due to him having to swerve to avoid a lorry pulling out of a junction..… Well at least that's what he told his dad anyway! In fact, he was racing a mate through the industrial estate trying to overtake on a 90 degree bend. If only Malcolm knew that then, after he'd got his hands on you, you'd of struggled to make it to 18 let alone your wedding day!

But then what about the limited number of girlfriends before Ashleigh, and when I say limited I do mean zero, there was always the thought that maybe Ell valued our friendship a little more than me if you catch my drift.

I remember biking up to High Conny; we took a load of food a drink for a BBQ just thinking it would be a good laugh to camp out for the night. It ended with us sharing a single duvet, on probably one of the coldest nights I've ever experienced in my life, which obviously wasn't a pleasant experience. Although I must say I did actually enjoy being little spoon, it was quite comfy being cradled by Bigfoot for the night. But before anyone jumps to any conclusions, yes we might be best mates, but we don't quite share the same relationship as Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain, I'd just like to clear that up!

So as soon as Ashleigh appeared on the scene, it was nice to be reassured that I was never going to be asked by him to wear a diamond ring, so thanks for that Ashleigh!

I'm not sure if many people know this, but Ell and Ashleigh getting together in the first place wasn't by chance or fate as some people might think. Ell put some serious ground work in a good while before I even think she knew his name. Nights out in Newcastle always ended up with him mysteriously getting lost from the group or disappearing from clubs like something out of a Houdini magic trick. Little did I know that old Casanova over there used to make his way up to Tiger Tiger, which is where Ashleigh worked at the time, just purely so he could order a drink from her as an excuse for a chat! Well I do tell a lie there, he actually didn't dare speak to her, so usually just stared creepily whilst getting served by another bartender. But look at them both now, newlyweds about to embark on their future journey with each other, some may call that true loves calling, I just call it stalking.

Now with all this being said and jokes aside, Ell, it was a genuine privilege to be asked to play the part of best man at your wedding. You've always been there for me no matter what; to offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on when needed, so there was no way on earth I wouldn't have been here for you today. This a proud day for me, not just to see a best friend, but almost a brother, sat next to the girl of his dreams, newly wed and ready to start their next chapter of life together. I know you will both make each other smile from laughter and stay warm hearted with love in the years to come.

So it is now that I ask you all to join me in raising a glass to toast for one last time.

I wish you both a lifetime of joy and happiness together, and may this day be the beginning of many special memories you look back on in years to come as husband and wife.

To the newlyweds, Mr & Mrs Holt!

Down the Hatch!