Speech by Kieran McNeill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kieran McNeill
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is <Best Man> and I have had the privilege of being <Groom>’s best man today. If everything goes well, <Groom> said that I could do his next one.

(Next Paragraph Added Due To Events On the Day)

This must be the first wedding where the bride has arrived early to the church and it is the groom who is applying make up throughout the day.
I hope for the <Bride>’s sake that <Groom> does not make a habit of it!

Bridesmaids

First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank <Groom> for his kind words and I think everybody will agree that <Bridesmaid 1> and <Bridesmaid 2> look gorgeous and have done a great job in making today a very special event.

Stunning

And as for the bride, I'd like to say how stunning you look in that fantastic white dress…..you won't have any trouble blending in with everything else in the kitchen!!

And <Groom>, well, you just look absolutely stunned!

Ordeal

It is my very great honour to be here today as <Groom>’s best man, although being Best Man is probably the most terrifying ordeal you could inflict on anyone. A wise man once said that being asked to be the Best Man is like making love to the Queen Mother….it'd be a great honour, but nobody really wants to do it.

Lines

No seriously, I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines – and having
snorted them, feel absolutely fine!!

Mother's Pride and Joy

From the moment I received this particular honour, <Bride> has reminded me that she is her ‘mother's pride and joy’ and pleaded that I keep the speech clean. Recently she has even resorted to offering me bribes but being a man of principle I declined and will now reveal the truth for a fee, namely a pint at the bar.

Respect to <Bride>

Now out of respect to <Bride> and her wishes for the cleanliness of the speech, I will not tell you about the time that <Groom> and I were hauled out of his car outside a church in Lambeg to be faced by the RUC, UDR and a dozen rifles!

Nor will I tell you about the time that <Groom> awoke in his bed covered in puke after a horrendous night on the spirits and calmly informed his mum that he had food poisoning.

<Groom>

Well, what can I say about <Groom>? <Groom> was born in 1971, the year in which the Ferrari Daytona went on sale, which is relevant if you experienced <Groom>’s driving when he first got his licence and seemed to be attempting to break the NI road speed record…Well at least the Lambeg one!

St.Mary's

As a kid, <Groom> went to primary school and then on to the big boy's school, St.Mary's grammar on the Glen Road, where our paths first crossed on the daily scrum to get the bus home. From there we both somehow got through our A levels and went to Queen's to enjoy the many aspects of student life, meaning of course the wine, women and song.

Party Trick

During this time, <Groom>’s party trick had been to put a bottle of thunderbird on the turntable of a record player, set the speed to 33 rpm and drink the contents through a straw. Although he has matured now and his new party trick is to cover his hand in flammable spirits before lighting it!

‘Will you see my mate?’

This time of debauchery was cut short when <Groom> met <Bride>, and love first blossomed.
And so we come to beginning of the great romance, which began officially when <Bride's Friend>, rang <Groom's Friend>, to utter those immortal Belfast words, ‘Will you see my mate?’.

Momentary Lapse Of Memory

Over the course of time the relationship continued and has survived times apart in foreign lands and even momentary lapses of memory, when for instance <Groom> got so drunk on one birthday that he could not remember who <Bride> was!

Red Roses

Yet it all seems to have been written in stone in the big book of life as demonstrated when <Bride> had commented to her mum that she would marry the first man to buy her flowers and by coincidence, the very next day, <Groom> sent <Bride> the fabled 12 red roses!

Lough Dergh

Yes it is true, <Groom> fell for <Bride> in a big way, but he has never lost his sense of humour. <Bride> had persuaded <Groom> to join her on pilgrimage at Lough Derg but when there, <Groom> still managed to mortify <Bride> in the presence of two nuns. During prayers, he had loudly whispered to her, ‘<Bride>, you don't have to get rid of the baby if you don't want to!’

The Proposal

On the night of the proposal and acceptance by <Bride>, they both returned to the <Bride's Surname> household in the wee small hours to raise <Bride's Father> and <Bride's Mother> to give them the good news. Now <Bride's Mother> got up no problem, but <Bride's Father> had other ideas, and fell promptly back to sleep!

Throat

Ladies and Gentlemen…I shan't take much more of your time because of my throat……if I go on too long <Bride> has threatened to cut it.
But before I move on to the cards, on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone here for coming and making this such a special day…
…But from those unable to make it here today I do have a couple of messages I'd like to share…

Cards

And also some special messages:

<Read real cards.>

From <Groom>’s friend Andy – Best wishes to you both. P.S. <Groom>, it's been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

<Read real cards.>

To <Bride> – From the Auditing team
We've found <Groom> to be useless in every position; hope <Bride> has better luck!

Serious Note

On a more serious note, <Groom>, you're my best friend and it's an honour to be your best man today. You're a very lucky man to have married <Bride>, who's a beautiful, kind, caring and genuine person.

She deserves a good husband. And you should thank God that you got her before she found one.

Final Toast

Ladies and Gentlemen, May I now ask you to stand, and it gives me great pleasure ask you to raise your glasses in a toast to <Groom> and <Bride>, the new Mr and Mrs <Groom's Surname>. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.