Speech by Kieran

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kieran
Speech Date: 15/12/2015 15:05:07

Thank you Steve…God knows how I follow that but I'll give it a go!

For those who don't know me, my name is Kieran and I'm the best man…especially today

I am sure that I speak for everyone here today in thanking Matt and Naomi for inviting us all to this special day, and helping them to eat and drink through thousands of pounds of their hard earned money, condemning their early years of marriage to hardship, destitution and debt. Cheers Naomi, cheers Matt.

So…I would just like say how beautiful our bride Naomi looks today. Also, how beautiful all the bridesmaids look. I'd like to congratulate the ushers on turning up and last of all….… to Matt……………..well…… you look like you were won in a raffle.

When Matt asked me to do the honour of being his best man, I was delighted but then it dawned on me I'd have to do this speech. Like many people, my first port of call was the internet to find example speeches and ways to calm my nerves.

The first bit of advice was to imagine the audience naked…well ladies and gentlemen, after listening to the other speeches I've had time to have a good look around and it's making me feel both inadequate and, quite frankly, a little bit sick…no offence intended Nigel!

The second bit of advice was to ‘be amusing and dazzle them with your wit’. Apologies but the best I can do is dazzle you with the light that reflects off my head.

Finally, I resorted to just browsing various websites…after about 20 minutes of looking at some really enlightening material I gave up…cleared my Internet history… and shut down. According to tradition, I am supposed to sing the grooms praises and tell you all about his many good points………..well, I'm sorry but I can't sing and I certainly won't lie.

Now, for some unknown reason, Matt was worried about this speech. He was under the illusion that I might humiliate him or reveal some facts that he'd rather I didn't mention. So he gave me a list of some subjects to avoid…… I've got them here……such as:

• The Magaluf holiday of 2000 with incidents including the kiss with the girl with the massive Chin, his Lesbian Makeover and Matt waking up after the first night, with literally 20 “gold” chains round his neck looking like Mr T.

Matt was only 17 at the time and had to get a parental permission slip…pretty sure I'm not the only one who wishes his mum hadn't signed it!

• There was the Malia holiday of 2003 where he celebrated his 21st birthday with a shot of Sambuca for each of his years! This was quickly followed by him punching through a locked toilet door…it turns out it wasn't locked but he was pushing not pulling. This night resulted with me finding him quite literally lying in a gutter…with a stray dog…

• Some of you may be aware of Matt's issues with anger management…I'm assured he's calmed down somewhat now but there was a time when after a few babychams he took his pent-up anger out on kwik fit window!…yes, the scar on his arm isn't as he likes to tell people from his time in Iraq with the SAS and it certainly isn't a shark bite.

The list goes on…and on……but don't you worry mate……………………not a word!!

Me and Matt Matt was born in 1982, which was also the year that the Argentineans invaded the Falklands and Liverpool won the league………Well they do say that bad things happen in threes. And from what I have heard, Matt was not a pretty baby………… apparently, his mum Rose didn't get morning sickness until after he was born.

I've known Matt for nearly 30 years since we met at Our Lady's primary school. I was a geeky, well behaved kid and Matt ….… well…… he tried his best and could throw a cricket ball really far.  Over the years, we've held many jobs together. We have worked; selling pet food, tele-selling windows and worked in a care home together…none of these have really worked out for either of us. I got him the sack from the pet store by lifting him up on the forklift which was witnessed by the Health & Safety Executive for the Midlands. He got me the sack from the window job for making me use such names as Cuthbert, Eugene and even Jesus in an attempt to convince some poor people to buy some extremely poor quality windows….and we won't mention the care home…how neither of us ended up being residents is beyond me.

Matt and Naomi Naomi, you're a wonderful woman, who deserves a wonderful husband. And I'm not going to rest until I get to the bottom of what's gone wrong here.

I still remember the day that Matt first told me about Naomi, he said Quinner, I've met someone. …..that's a good start I thought! Her name is Naomi and I really like her. Naturally, I was intrigued…… What's she like…..? How will she cope……? Imagine my relief when I found out that Naomi was studying to be a child psychologist. Right from the start I knew they'd be fine! It was about 18 months ago now when one night Matt called and we were chatting as we usually did…but then his voice went very quiet and very serious. He seemed to take a deep breath, paused and asked me what I thought about marriage…..I was taken aback but I felt I had to be honest with him……I told him I was flattered but what happened between me and him was in the past and he really should move on…I know I'm a catch but that's ridiculous! Even though Matt is punching way above his weight, Naomi thankfully accepted his proposal which has culminated in this wonderful day. When I look at them together, I see how perfect they are for each other. Close Marriage is NOT about finding a person you can live with, it's about finding that person you CAN'T live without. And in Naomi, Matt has certainly found that person…about time he gave his mum a rest. On a serious note, Matt, you're my best mate and we've shared some of the best moments of my life together. Matt is one of the people in mine and all of our friends’ lives who we know we can depend on. Any problems, he's always there. I just want to take this opportunity to say, from all of us, thanks for that.

And Naomi, once again you look beautiful and I'd like to offer you my heartfelt congratulations. Let's raise our glasses in a toast, from everybody here today and also absent friends and family. Here's to a lifetime of happiness and love for Naomi and Matt.

To the bride and groom!!!