Speech by Killian Donnelly

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Killian Donnelly
Speech Date: Nov2004
Throughout history the following things have taken place on October 3rd:

• 1906 – SOS was adopted as a worldwide warning signal
• 1945 – Elvis Presley made his first public appearance aged 10
• 1961 – The Television Show “Mr Ed” premiered

It was also on this date in 1996 that I first met Exhibit A here. This day marked the start of an incredible journey together, which has led to the great friendship we have today.

Isn't it amazing how throughout time History repeats itself? Yes throughout the years girls who have had the misfortune to end up in Kev's bedroom have been heard furiously tapping SOS out on the window; like the King himself I met someone who had a singing voice like no other – hopefully we wont get to hear that later; and as for the talking horse – well we have both come across our fair share of them!

After meeting Kev on that fateful day I realised if I was to live next door to this egjit for the next year I may as well make an effort to get on with him!

It may have been his charisma and charm that got us speaking, or maybe being Irish it was my need to take the mickey out of his bleached blond hair, (which ladies & gentlemen I assure you was much more substantial back then) and his unique dress sense. This is something that provides us lads with plenty of amusement and ample ammunition; from his white basket weave shoes to wearing Joanne's belt, and on an occasion nail varnish!

Having known Kev for the last 8 years I think of him more like a brother, an odd slightly simple brother maybe, but a brother nonetheless.

When he and Joanne announced that they were getting married, I couldn't have been more pleased and I would like to express my heartfelt congratulations to you both and thank you for choosing me as best man.

Although why Kev asked me to be best man is a mystery, since I know just about all the dirt there is to know on him, and there is quite a lot of that!

Even more puzzling is his choice, when you take into account the ancient historic duties of my role.

The best man was chosen because he was strong, a good fighter and would assist the groom when he captured his bride. In addition to this on the wedding day the best man would help protect the bride from any rival suitors that would carry her away to be his own.

Now I see myself as a lover not a fighter and Joanne has also asked me to stress that she does not want any ‘rival suitors’ carrying her off on today of all days!

However a more traditional duty and my privilege is to reply to and thank Kev on behalf of the bridesmaids, Donna and Sarah. They both look absolutely stunning and I think you will agree have done an incredible job today.

I would also like to thank Ian for his kind words and everyone involved for organising what I am sure you will agree has thus far been a wonderful day and the perfect start to Kev and Joanne's marriage.

Looking around it is easy to see why Kev & Joanne decided to have their wedding, here at Dundas Castle, which legend says is haunted, but I suppose it will be a convenient cover-up tomorrow when the other guests complain about the sound of moaning and rattling chains in the night!

It was also in October 1996 that a young and impressionable Joanne Fraser walked through the gates of Heriot Watt University. Little did she know that just 3 years later Mr. Towers would be sweeping her off her feet.

Although Kev's success in finishing university with an acceptable degree, is something that his faculty is still investigating, clearly the most important thing that Kev got out of his higher education – along with his ability to down a bottle of Vodka before he went out – was his gorgeous new wife.

In fact, and I think that no one would disagree that Kev put considerably more effort into winning Joanne over than anything he ever did at university and anything he has ever done since!

For example being the dedicated students Kev and I were in our 1st term we sat down at 10am to start revising for our Micro Economics exam, which was that afternoon! Things got off to a slow start as we were more amused that the books had 2 covers –we had never noticed this since they had not once been opened, it was nice to get back to Heriot-Watt during the summer for our re-sit.

However, Joanne came on scene and Kev started frequenting the library. Occasionally he could even be found with his books open. Coupled with this dramatic change in his behaviour, I realized that Kev was really falling for Joanne when he swapped his traditional 2 bottles of Buckfast on a Friday night for just the 1 and stopped decorating our flat with cut outs from FHM!

Fast forward to the 18th August 2003 an hotel balcony on the party island of Ibiza when Kev asked Joanne to be his wife. Again ladies and gentleman yet another case of history repeating itself. As on the same day in 1969, the summer of love, the BBC reported that 3 days and nights of sex, drugs and Rock and roll was over as the Woodstock Music festival came to a close, and indeed that night so did Kev's .…

So 14 months on, we find ourselves here today, with Kev, Joanne and their families. It is clear to see how happy Kev and Joanne make each other, and in researching my speech I came across a quotation that I feel that sums this up perfectly.…

“You don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply can not live without them”

Of course having lived with Kev for 4 years, I have many a story to tell. I look back with happy memories on our days in Brunswick Terrace, how we used to come home on a Friday night in time for the WWF wrestling. We would re-inact the moves, which one evening ended with me reversing an arm lock that Kev had me in, getting him in a head lock and running at the front door. It was not one of my brightest ideas to use a comb to brush the glass out of his hair!!

In fact I think that night helped make us both impervious to glass. Only two weeks prior to our 21st birthdays we had gone out for a romantic meal together, consumed a fair quantity of alcohol, (as you do), and while travelling home in a taxi down the Royal Mile, the driver decided to come to an abrupt halt. Now picture for me, if you can, the slow motion images of crash test dummies, as we both glided through the air expressionless before going straight through the glass partition, ending up on the floor of the cab dazed but without a cut between us. Like so many people who have had the honour to cross our paths, the Taxi man – whose first night on the job it was – would never forget us!!

Over the last 14 months Joanne has put a great deal of time and effort into arranging today and I think you will agree has done a wonderful job. I, however, would like to think I have had a significant indirect contribution with these preparations.

I have kept Kev out of Joanne's way and taken care of him on our many adventures. We travelled with Celtic to Amsterdam. When inadvertently caught up in the middle of a riot Kev's main concern was not getting beaten up by the over zealous police, who were brandishing their truncheons, no it was the fact in his own words “he was in the media and could not be caught on TV” – he was tea boy at SMG at the time!

Although in fairness to him he did make it out of university a year before me. I will never forget going to meet him for lunch one day. I thought I would play a trick on him as I saw him walking down the street with his new work mates. I pulled up my hooded top lowered my head and extended my hand asking for some money to get a soup. Kev, being a man of the people, delved deep into his pocket and gave me 5p a more generous man you could not meet!!

We also travelled to Barcelona where Kev, in his best Spanish accent, asked for a bottle of house wine. I am not sure if it was the Celtic shirt or Kev's amazing grasp of the language but by God was the waiter clued in, bringing a bottle of wine which Kev duly devoured only to find out it was 120 Euros!! The trip started to sound like a MasterCard ad:

• Day trip to Barcelona – £350,
• Ticket from a tout to match £100,
• Spending the evening with a drunken Kev repeatedly asking how we had actually got to the game…PRICELESS!!!

So as you can see Kev is an avid supporter and follower but when it comes to playing the majestic game he is absolutely woeful. Indeed it has been said that Kev is useless in every position, as I am sure by now Joanne has found out!

I have already congratulated Kev, and told him “you will always look back on this weekend as the happiest and best thing you have ever done.” He agreed with me, it was a fantastic stag do!!

This brings me to recount the 4 enjoyable days 13 of us spent at the Munich Beer festival, surrounded by lovely Fraulines with huge jugs……of cold beer!

I am reluctant to share too many details about the stag do, mainly in order not to implicate myself, (wait for lads laughs) .… but cheers lads for a great time (acknowledge lads) oh and that reminds me Kev you still owe me £30 for the dance you had with Bobby the Romanian!

SO moving swiftly on.…
I would now like to thank the people who on the face of it have had a fairly easy day. They have to cope with all the difficulties of standing around pouting and looking pretty, they've spent a lot of time on their makeup and outfits and without them the day just wouldn't be Joanne's. Ladies and gentleman the ushers:

• Duncan Fraser

• Andrew Potter

• Christopher Towers

• Andrew Fraser

As is customary, I now have a few telegrams to read out, from those who could not be with us here today.

• [READ OUT CARDS / MESSAGES BEEN GIVEN- OR A SELECTION]

• This one is from Kev's work:

“Kev It does not matter how many times you change your job now – you are always going to have the same boss”

Despite all the stories I have mentioned and, of course, quite a few others that I haven't, Kev is one of my closest friends in the world.

Like me he realizes the value of true friendship and even though I have now lived in London for the last 3 years the foundations we laid at university have ensured our friendship has only grown stronger. Kev brings one of the most important gifts to our friendship, that of laughter, and we are often unable to speak after talking to each other on the phone. Joanne I think you will agree when I say, you have not done too badly at all.

I must now come to a close as I noticed that Kev has started to fidget a bit, and we all know how he gets when blood starts entering his alcohol stream.

However, I have penned, a few parting words:

I can't believe you've done it, after everything you said,
You swore that you'd stay single, that you would never wed,
So what about your promise, to always be my mate,
We've lived together, played together, and drank beer by the crate.

Joanne is very beautiful, of that there is no doubt,
And Potts often tries to chat her up, when you are not about,
But what about your freedom, she'll take all that away,
She'll have you washing dishes, and won't let you dress so gay.

What will happen to your golf, on a Sunday afternoon?
Now that you are married, it will be once in a blue moon,
Together we've watched The Hoops, at home and abroad,
And I'll think we'll both agree that Henrik Larsson is a god.

Your life will now be different, but so will my life too,
So when you go on honeymoon, please let me come too,
And Joanne could be our caddy, or make lunch for us,
Because woman like that sort of thing, and never make a fuss.

But alas, I must accept the truth, you're off to wedded bliss,
And for me there's nothing left, but to go out on the piss,
But still I wish you luck my friend, in the rest of your life,
In Joanne nee Fraser you have found the perfect wife.

So now I come to my final duty, which is more a pleasure than a duty; on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself I sincerely wish you both everlasting love and happiness.

Ladies and Gentleman, could you please be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Mr and Mrs Kevin Towers, THE BRIDE AND GROOM!

Slainte! Kev and Joanne.

THE END