Speech by Kip Wright

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kip Wright
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good afternoon everyone, I am the best man and its part of my job to reply on behalf of the bridesmaids, though Toby has asked me only to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat….if I go on too long he's going to strangle it.

It's a great honour to be asked to be a Best Man…as well as terrifying although I feel I have succeeded in my first duty, that of getting Toby to the church, dressed, sober, on time and eventually married.

Now you may think that it would be difficult to speak about someone who, on the outside, may seem just a little too good to be true, there was the stag night in London to report on, or as its become known the case of the invisible man, but there is certainly no scandal about alcoholism, drug rehabilitation or chronic gambling problems, his parents, I'm sure, still love him. But today, hopefully you will discover, that contrary to what his Mum might say, Toby isn't perfect.

I did actually suggest to Toby that if he has any doubts about getting married that he should alternatively think about buying a dog instead and pointed out the numerous advantages, such as…

1. Dogs are always pleased to see you

2. Dogs don't go shopping

3. Dogs like it when you come in drunk and start stroking them

4. And best of all you can call a dog by your last dog's name and they don't seem to mind.

Well I'm glad to say that Toby didn't take any of my advice and chose to go ahead with the wedding.

What can I say about Toby, well he's tall, dark and handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic, er, sorry that's the wrong wedding.
So what do we know about Toby? Toby was born on the 10th of June 1970.
He was born and spent his formative years in the rural town of Hertford, which would explain some of his more bizarre habits. His birthday is shared with Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh and Judy Garland but that's all he has ever shared with either of them.
This is incidentally the same date in history as the first Salem Witch Trials and the formation of Alcoholics Anonymous. Some pointers for the future there perhaps.
Funnily enough, soon after Toby was born, free family planning became available on the NHS.

Toby excelled in his school years in Scotland studying hard and achieving good grades. Although most of the teachers thought that Tobys sexual persuasion was, shall we say, to the left as he had a habit of rubbing his classmates’ legs under the table during lessons.
Toby was the school black market trader, being a regular jet-setter frequently flying in and out of Hong Kong to see his family meant he was the one to bring in all the orders of cigarettes and booze for the other schoolboys.
It was during some of these parties , that bedazzled by bright lights, loud music and more girls that any adolescent schoolboy can comprehend Toby used to like to hit the dance floor. This was where his friends used to witness the raw and still undiscovered talent of Tobys rhythm. Regularly he would empty the dance floor with his dance moves, which would leave all the ladies speechless. So speechless in fact that they never spoke to him.

Toby also has a secret In Hong Kong he was for a short time, a male model. We did have some tasteful photos prepared of Toby naked on a shoot, but I couldn't find a company that could enlarge the photograph enough so that you could actually see anything.

Now, in life you can count your true friends on one hand, these being the people who will drop whatever they are doing and help you in your hour of need. I remember when I lost my job, Toby was there. When my cat was ill, Toby was there. When I broke my leg, Toby was there. In fact thinking about it, Toby, you're a bit of a jinx!

Now there are a lot of happy smiling faces around today but none as happy as the two people to my left. They say marriages are made in heaven, well this one wasn't, it was made in Chicago's Rock Café in Maidenhead. Sarah's dad always told her, “You'll never find a good man at Business Objects” well, it happened. I was there soon after they were first introduced. Sarah told me that the first time she laid eyes on Toby, she thought he was handsome from afar, but by the end of the night she admitted he looked far from handsome. Toby even tried to kiss her only to miss as she walked away completely oblivious to him.

There weren't many people out that night, a group of us from work and Sarah and her boss Bob Smith.
Toby kept everyone at work guessing for a full week after he and Sarah had their first encounter at Chicago's as nobody actually saw him do anything. After giving us a series of clues about what happened and with who, such as Business Objects Employee…..works in Training…..very nice…… due to his public school background, we still thought he was having an affair with Bob right up until the last minute.

But soon after that night, an email romance began. Sarah used to sit near a Coca Cola vending machine; Toby used to make frequent visits to it daily just to talk to Sarah. Sarah just though he liked Coke. But that's all in the past now as Toby soon made it all public, proposed and completed the job with baby Sam.

I believe marriage is a wonderful thing… marriage will teach Toby loyalty, self-restraint, control, it will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had stayed single.

Well I haven't been married yet, in the old days most of us were dead by the time we were forty – so marriage didn't seem such an enormous prospect. But now, what with the National Health Service, if you get married at the age of twenty-five, then you're looking at a probable fifty year stretch.

So it's not surprising that a great number of people fail. But the fact that they fail is not to put you off marriage. We want to be together with someone. And if we make mistakes – and there will be mistakes – if we got any sense we'll try hard so that we make it right. And that's the key – to keep on trying. The meaning of marriage is not to be found in wedding bells, or the lovely frock or the expensive and romantic honeymoon. The meaning of marriage is in the trying. And it's to do with learning about somebody else; and through that – learning about yourself.

So that's why I'm happy to be here to celebrate the marriage of Sarah & Toby today because I know there going to try and I know that they`ll keep trying.

Before the toast I have some cards and telegrams to read out.

The first one from your boss Cleveland, We've found Toby to be useless in every position. Hope Sarah has more luck.

The second is from your old friend Pedro in Madrid. Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there. Please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted.

On behalf of the Bride and Groom, I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those of you who have traveled long distances – it's been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding. Now, i started planning this speech a month ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, and much relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast.

Id like you all to join me in wishing them the very best on their future journey together. I hope years from now they will look back on this day, their wedding day, as the day they loved each other the least.

Ladies & Gentlemen, the New Mr. & Mrs. Luscher, Sarah & Toby.