Speech by Kurtis Ebbing

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Kurtis Ebbing
Speech Date: aug2002
Who is Steve Jones?

I'm sure you'll agree that everything so far has gone well …
Unfortunately you can't expect 100% perfection…because it's my turn now

Now unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've have promised Steve & Ali, that if there is anything in this speech even slightly sexual, I would be sure to WHIP it out immediately

Being best man does entail some degree of responsibility, for instance, making sure Steve got a good night sleep before the wedding, I can assure you I was successful because he slept like a baby last night, He woke up every hour, crying for his Mommy and pooing his pants

In the morning, we woke up with a couple of stiff ones, oh come on people I am talking about drinks

In fact we got here early enough I had time to chat with the priest, I asked him his thoughts on sex before marriage. He said, we are in a modern age and he felt that it was no problem whatsoever… so long as it didn't hold up the ceremony for too long

Steve growing up was interested in sports, his parents hoped he would take an interest in something more intellectual like playing a musical instrument, but all Steve concentrated on was playing with himself

It was all this sporting activity, which his mom blames for his constant colds growing up, Well how else do you explain the piles of toilet paper stuffed under his pillows

Now we always didn't get along when we were younger, He would call me booger lips and I would call him poopy pants and then we would both run home crying. Then he would E-mail me from work and we would make up

He recently moved out here to Newport Beach, and I must say he looks like a movie star in his baby blue SUV, minus the suntan…or the muscles…or the good looks.… or the style really

I would like to tell you a couple of stories about Steve and I, but seriously every one would create the reaction that were are a couple of assholes, right Steve?

Like at the bachelor party in Vegas when we put shaving cream in all of our friend's shoes, and completely trashed the room Josh put on his credit card

Or the time we made fun of the handicapped, the elderly, the homeless, the retarded; who else did YOU make fun of Steve

I would really like to thank Steve for asking me to be his best man. It is truly a great honor, although seeing that I am his only friend, I would have been slightly disappointed had he not asked me

There is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for him and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me… In fact we spend our whole lives doing absolutely nothing for each other

Now for some marital advice,

Ali, Steve is like a tiled floor, lay it right the first time and you can spend years walking all over it

And if you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach – you're aiming too high

Steve, I have no idea what it is like to be happily married, however neither do most husbands

Just to put things in perspective I saw an ad in the newspaper last week, "complete set of Encyclopedias for sale, just got married, wife apparently knows everything"

Well, I hope I succeeded in giving you the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of your life, I am sure you will return the favor to Ali when you consummate the marriage tonight

Which leaves me to thank the two people for without we would not be here today, The bar staff!!

Seriously Ali you look beautiful and Steve you look like a fat penguin

A toast to the new Jonesy's GOOD TIMES!!!!!