Speech by L. P

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: L. P
Speech Date: oct 2003

“Fornication, Ladies and Gentleman…

I'm terribly sorry.
[looks down at speech]

For an occasion,
Ladies and Gentlemen,

I think an introduction is worthwhile (pause) … for those who don't know
me, my name is
Lance-what-would-you-like-to-drink. I hope as many of you will come and say
hello at the
bar later – but I do insist you use my full name.

Now, I asked around for an idea of how long the my speech should last and
the general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love.
So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience (sit)
(get back up)

Before we carry on into the speech I think there is something you should all
know about
Robert. As you all know he is in the Navy, but what you don't know is that
Wendy makes
Robert wear this every time he goes over sea's. ( Produce the chastity
boxers ) Which
Wendy only has the key too. Now I have heard stories about the copies of the
key. So I ask
whomever has the keys to could please return them.

( This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding party
table. Try to
get a couple of pregnant women in the group or maybe somebody's grandma and
a guy.)

Firstly, I would like to congratulate Wendy for being such a beautiful
bride, thank the
bridesmaids for performing their roles so well and continuing to look so
good throughout
the day and for the ushers for at least turning up sober.

I was both delighted and honoured when Robert asked me to be best man though
I must
confess to being a bit nervous as I stand here before you. However my dad
once gave me a
tip, he said son just imagine your entire audience is naked.
Scan the audience and grimace at a few people.
Turn to Wendys dad – Jesus, you should get some ointment on that Mr Blake
Pass over cream and rubber gloves.
To wife – I'll see you later.

I have tried to take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed. I
would like to
share with you some of my duties I have been involved with…

My first duty was to ensure Robert made it to the church fit and proper, on
time and sober. As you can see this was achieved. To make sure this was the
case, Robert stayed with me last night and I can assure you Robert was in
bed early and he slept like a baby (Pause) that is he wet the bed twice and
woke every hour crying for his mummy.

Another of my duties was the potentially delicate duty of keeping Rob's
ex-girlfriends out of the way today. Thankfully this has been very easy
because there aren't that many frankly.

And my last duty was to make sure the wedding goes smooth, this is why I
have my pocket guide book to help me. (show book)
In my little pocket guide it mentioned three important parts of today's
service
Aisle – the longest walk you will ever take
Altar – the place where two become one
Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Wendy must have read the same book because when she was walking up the aisle I'm sure I heard her whispering, Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle alter hymn

I think it is now time to give you all a run down on the chap who has tied the knot today.
For those who already do know him, well, you've got my sympathy.

I've known Robert sence First Grade, we have been best friends though and
though. He was like my families 3rd son. He would stay overnight, play on the Nintendo, mom would cook us supper. Even my old brother made Robert feel part of the family after he was done beating me up he would also beat up Rob.

As we where growing up we use to play road hockey outside of my house. We
have tried Robert in every position and found him to be useless in all of them. Wendy we hope you have more luck than us.

But as life would have it, after high school was over, we grew apart and
moved to different cities. So I decided to fly down a week early to get to know the new Robert. And to have the Bachelor party, which under vice of our lawyer I'am not aloud to speak about until the court case. But I glad to tell everyone that the donkey and duck are ok.
While I was down I got a chance to speak to Roberts boss. I asked his boss if would like to comment on Rob the employee. He was quick to tell me Rob is known as ‘God’ at work.
Knowing Robert as I do, this surprised me until he explained the nickname
arises because

you never see him
he makes his own rules
if he does any work, it's a bloody miracle
——————————
Read any telgrams if any:
Example:
Dear Roebert and Wendy.

I tried to make it back in time for your wedding, but I had to catch up on some old business. (about 30 years, 25 for good behaviour).
Ronnie Biggs
——————————
If there's anybody here this afternoon who feels slightly nervous and
apprehensive, it's probably because you just got married to Robert Jensen.

Now I must say a few words about Wendy. She is beautiful, intelligent and
carring, and I think she's made a wonderful choice for her first husband.

I have read some usefully tips about marriage on the internet and I would
like to share them.
Never go to bed on an argument….Always stay up and argue.
Always remember the three little words…”You're right dear”.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
It is important to get on with your mother in law. My friend haven't
spoken to his for two years. Not becausehHe doesn't like her… he just doesn't like to interrupt.

You will be happy to know that we are coming to the end of our speech. I can tell that everybody is having a great time here today and this is mainly down to the weeks and months of planning by Robert and Wendy. They have done an incredible job to make this such a special day and I would like to ends this on a special note:

Webster's defines union as an agreement and conjunction of mind,
spirit, will, and affections. When I think of Roberts and Wandy's marriage, I think of a creation of harmony between their intelligent minds, their indelible spirits, 2 very stubborn people, and last but certainly not least their endless affections. I look forward to being a part of their lives and having them both as a part of my life for many many years to come.
On behalf of the entire wedding party I would like to thank you all
for coming to share in this wonderful occasion. Also a very special thanks
to all the parents, without you this could never have happened. Finally a
toast to the bride and groom, please will everyone raise their glasses:
May you live as long as you like and love as long as you live…