Speech by Lambert Russo

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lambert Russo
Speech Date: Sep 2009
Ladies and gentlemen. It””s been a fantastic day so far. The location is spectacular, the ceremony was very special and everyone looks lovely. Unfortunately, every silver lining has a cloud, and today that comes in the form of me. For those who don””t know me, my name is Lambert. Today I have the very special privilege of being the best man. This means that is my responsibility get Roald dressed up, be on time and looking good, well 2 out of 3 isn't a bad score. After all I'm best man, not a plastic surgeon!

Besides that, it is also my duty and privilege to say a few words. I would like to start by thanking our lovely bridesmaid Rachel. I'm sure you will agree she has carried out her role superbly, And thanks and well done to Richard the father of the bride for giving away his daughter. And I think you will all agree Lindsay looks one in a million today … as opposed to Roald who looks like he has won the lottery.

Before beginning I””d like to provide two disclaimers:

1. My speech does NOT contain any original material – so if anyone is offended, it has NOTHING to do with me!
2. Should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables at the end of my speech to give me a standing ovation, I can in NO way be held responsible for your actions!

I was also a little worried as to how long my speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should last as long as it takes the Groom to perform his duties in the bedroom. So, having said that, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you””ve been a great crowd!

As you may or may not already have heard, like Roald, I am also from the Netherlands. And I realise that some of you might find it difficult to follow this speech, So for your convience a copy of this speech will be available afterwards at the bar, in exchange for a Havana 7 or just a beer, I really don't mind. For my fellow Dutchman a Dutch translation will also be available.

The first time that Roald and I met, was in the studentshouse where we lived together with 2 female students. Believe me, it wasn't half that exiting as thats sounds. Roald actually was the prettiest girl.

By the way, like most people, I could not really get used to gis name and only know it from the writer, what was his name again. So after a while we decided to call him Ron, or actually at that time it still was Ronnie.

Anyway, the first strange habit of Ron that I came across was the following his bedroom was on the 4th floor and our house on the 2nd. So at night when he had to go to the loo, instead of walking 2 floors down to the toilet, he just used an empty flowerpot. And no, not once but every night. I never did ask what he did with the content afterwards.
So Lindsay, I hope you have a bathroom on every floor of your house or make sure there are no pots and pans around

Roald has a thing with toilets. After this apartment, we moved to another place. The new apartment however was so filthy that when Ron was cleaning the toilet, he had to literary throw up. This by the way was not the last time he did that.

I think he also did this when he discovered that he walked around for a few days with dead mice embryo's in his slippers. He never did fully recovered from his fear for slippers

And I almost threw up when I came home one day and discovered that he was sleeping in my bed! His explanation was that there was a mosquito in his room that he couldn't catch and couldn't sleep, but still wonder if it wasn't to drop me a hint.

Also because when I was coming home one day, I heard he was on his room with a girl and when I was passing his door he said the fabulous words O, that's what this little thing is for!

But he also had his share of bad luck. I remember one time we had a gala occasion from the rowing society where we were a member and Ron had borrowed a dress suit. Afterwards he and I went to a dry cleaner to pick up the dress suit and it turned out that the buttons were melted! I think he returned it and said that he borrowed it like that! The guy you borrowed it from is not here today?

Ron is also very cheap. He is the only I know guy who had car that had driven more miles that the distance from here to the moon! But being the adventurist he is, he drove with this car to a ski resort in France. And made it. If the steeringwheel was on the other side3 he would still drive it.

Skiing by the way is not something you want to do with Roald, unless you want to put your patience to the test. This guy is so slow, at one point I thought he was trying to ski up-hill. We once almost missed our connecting skilift and had to bribe the skilift employee to keep it open longer.

And you might have noticed that he tends to swear a lot. Well we were on a sailingtrip once with 30 other people who turned out to be very Christian. The first evening when everyone was praying before diner, Ron's phone went off and he could not help himself yelling Jesus Christ.

I understand that it is a tradition that before I toast to the happy couple, I will read some cards.

CARDS

Also have some cards from people who couldn't make it today:

. Dear Roald we are very happy now that you're finally married. We hope that you are now a grown man and will stop flirting with our daughter.
The neighbours from number 14
. Dear Roald we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love.
George Michael
. Dear Lindsay It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we””ll have to call it a day now you””re married.
From Brad Pitt
. Dear Roald We are all very happy for you! Unfortunately, because of loss of income, we had to let three girls go.
From the whole staff of Brown's stripclub

Roald, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great friend and almost a brother to me over the years and I know how happy Linds makes you. It truly is a great honour to be your best man, so Thank you.
But apart from the funny stories, I thought you very brave for taking the big step and leave your family and friends to follow your loved one and move to another country. Life in Amsterdam has become a little bit boring and it always sad to say goodbye and to not have a good friend like you around.
I will also say that you have managed to get one of the best girls possible. Ron. You will leave here today having gained a wife that is warm, loving, and caring. Who is both funny, charming and beautiful.
And Linds, you””ll leave here today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers.
Now this speech has been edited by Linds, so I apologise for the limited attack on Roalds character however if anyone would like to hear any stories about Roald that were censored, and there are lots, believe me, then please feel free to join me for a drink at the bar later.
So then, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr &amp Mrs Scholten. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
Roald and Lindsay!