Speech by Lawrence Hay

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lawrence Hay
Speech Date: Sep 2001
1-Introduction and Icebreaker
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen
I'm sure you all agree that this has been a brilliant wedding so far, but
every silver-lining has a cloud, and I'm afraid I'm it!!
However, rest assured I'm only going to speak for a few minutes, because of
my throat ..Linda said she'd cut it if I go on too long.
I can tell you that being a best man is a very nerve wracking experience,
some have compared it to being asked to make love to the Queen Mother on her
birthday…it's a great honour but nobody sober wants to go there.!! (raise
a glass)
2-thanks for bridesmaid
Moving on ladies and gentlemen
I would like to thank Billy for his kind words on behalf of the
bridesmaids,.. Susan and Samantha who I'm sure you'll agree both look
wonderful today and have done a great job in helping Linda to get ready and
arrive on time.
I would also like to give special thanks to the flower girls,.. NICOLA and
JADE who have also done a great job
Lets show our appreciation to Susan, Samantha, Nicola and Jade.

3-Tribute to Linda
Yes the wedding party certainly look lovely and Linda looks wonderful in her
gown. Billy I hope you appreciate what a lucky man you are.yeh, Linda's,
charming, beautiful, fun to be around and you Linda.WELL . you've got Billy!
And on the subject of Billy,.. this is traditionally the bit where I get to
roast him in front of everybody he knows, to totally embarass him in front
of friends and family
4-Roast Billy
I thought long and hard about this,.. but didn't come up with anything..it's
not that he's boring..it's just most stories aren't suitable for a family
wedding (however I can be bribed)
I was going to tell you about his first love.Heavy Metal..and the black
years when all his clothes were ..just..well..black.BUT.. WE DON’ T WONNA TO
DO THAT. (Chris Tarant style)
Or I could tell the story about how he got the nickname "THE
WATERBOY" ..something about flooding labs ..at uni, at work,.. anywhere he
had the chance …OR the story about the acid leak that nearly gassed his
boss. BUT.. WE DON’ T WONNA TO DO THAT. (Chris Tarant style)
4-Roast Billy cont..1
INSTEAD,.. I'm going to tell you how seriously I've taken my responsibility
as best man. I decided to go on the internet to get some info about my
duties, which uncannily seemed to sum Billy up to a tee..they include…
1-Bring a cheque book OR credit card for the payments which the groom has
forgotten . Well if any of you have been to a bar with Billy you'll know
why I've brought both!
4-Roast Billy cont..2
2-On the night before the wedding make sure the groom gets a good nights
sleep. I'm proud to report that I got him to bed alright.however..I could
hear TOSSING all night long—nervous tension?
3-Make sure any ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. This was a surprisingly
easy task to fulfil.since the advent of foot and mouth I haven't been able
to find any!
4-And finally make sure he gets to the church on time, well he's here.
just .also ensure that his shoelaces, face and hair are in good order. Well
if GOD couldn't manage it what chance have I got.
4-Roast Billy cont..3
Seriously though.. Billy It's a great honour for me to be your best man . We
‘ve grown-up together, you're my cousin and best mate. I'm very proud to
know the man you've become and delighted that you've found happiness with
Linda.
5-Telegrams and cards
"I'll now read out some cards/telegrams sent to the bride and groom"
Read out a couple of real cards and mix with joke ones.
Real message
Joke (this ones for you Billy)
This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on jour wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips!
from Anonymous well wisher.

5-Telegrams/Cards cont..1
Real Message
Joke (The next ones for Linda).
It's from Billy's works football team.. "Linda..we've found Billy to be
USELESS in every position .hope you've got better luck"!
There's too many messages to go through and I apologise if I've left yours
out, however I'll leave them here so that you can take a look at your
leisure later on.

6-Jokes/ ‘Advice’
Billy..Linda ..I would now like to pass on some words of wisdom gathered
from your guests today
.they told me that..
There are 3 rings in a marriage; .the engagement ring, the wedding ring and
the SUFFERING!.
6-Jokes/ ‘Advice’..cont..1
HOWEVER they also gave me some pearls of wisdom which I'm happy to pass on
to you both..
Never go to bed on an argument.STAY UP & FIGHT
Billy, always remember those three important words.YOUR RIGHT DEAR
And finally,the best way to remember your anniversary is..to forget
it..ONCE!

7- Congratulations to Both
Moving on,. please allow me to officially congratulate the happy couple. I
think they look great together,.. but I can't believe Billy turned up with
the same outfit as me. Nevertheless, they've done themselves proud,..
making today a very emotional day for everyone- even the cakes in
tiers!..ANYWAY
I would now like to ask the bride and groom to participate in the
speech.Linda please place your right hand on the table next to Billy.Billy
could you take your left hand and place it on Linda's.how's that feel big
yin Billy..feels good eh.yeah.well remember it ’cause it'll be the last time
you'll have the upper hand!!
8-Toast
Before I move on to the toast ladies and gents
I would like to thank everyone here for coming to celebrate Billy and
Linda's special day, especially those of you who have travelled some
distance.
And finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me immense PLEASURE to ask you
to join me in a toast to the bride and groom.
Billy.Linda..May your love be modern enough to survive the times,. and old
fashioned enough to last forever…
To the new MR and MRS SLOAN..to Billy and Linda.