Speech by Lee cocker

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee cocker
Speech Date: 10/06/2013 17:00:39

Ok I'll apologise now as I only started rehearsing this afternoon, as I didn't realise how bad my speech would be.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman boys and girls, my names lee and if you see me at the bar later I drink larger or after 9pm JD and coke or Sambuca will do, or just call me lee for short. Firstly I'd like to thank you all for coming today and celebrating this great event, the marriage of matt and Steph. 

I think the day has been a great success so far and hopefully my speech won't ruin the day or cause matt and Steph to split up.

When matt asked me to be his best man, I thought that was a great honour and I couldn't believe he had asked me on the most important day of his life to stand up and read out a speech that could embarrass him and who knows maybe even ruin his day, but I love the guy so much I thought I'd hide all the terrible stories about matt picking through my sick one time and asking me how I'd managed to eat such a large piece of onion while holding it in front of my face while I was still been sick or the time He got so drunk he went to the toilet to be sick and never came back as he fell over and split his head open so as it's his wedding day and it wouldn't be fair to bring these things up so don't worry matt nobody will ever know.

Now ever since my family found out I was having to write a speech they have all been very worried and my cousin even offered to help me write it but after speaking to matt I thought I'd try and do the right thing and write it properly, so I went on the Internet and a few hours searching I came off the porn sites and I started looking for speeches, so matt I followed your instructions and got some ideas off the net I just hope it does you both justice on your wedding day.

“Face the crowd”

Hello my name's Steve and I'm Gavin's best man, although I'm sure Gavin will have a new name for me by the time I've finished this.

When Gavin asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. Unfortunately it didn't take long for this feeling of wellbeing to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in a room full of people..… I was found guilty and fined £300. “Wait for laughs to finish”

I went to a wedding two weeks ago that was held in a nudist colony. Apparently I was just half an inch away from being the best man there too.

By the way, if anyone is running a book on the length of this speech could I put £5 on it lasting an hour and 6 minutes please?

I have known Gavin for over 10 long years now. When I first met him in college he was loud, aggressive, rude, abusive and swore a lot, but just look at the man he's become now…..nothing has changed. Whilst at college we discovered a local nightclub called Winkers. I would regularly witness Gavin's unique, raw, undiscovered style of dancing in Winkers that left the women speechless. By speechless I mean absolutely none of them would speak to him.

I'd like to mention Gavin's good points. Gavin is intelligent, caring, trusting and good look…look… (Look at Gavin) “I'm really sorry Gavin; I can't read your handwriting”

One of Gavin's strongest traits is loyalty; he is a Leeds United fan after all. A team that has done nothing except disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams for the past 5 years. If that is anything to go by Sarah doesn't have to make any effort for the next 5 years, she can make him miserable, and break all her wedding vows and generally walk all over he……and he'll still feel that things will turn around come August.

Gavin used to a good runner as a young man. Unfortunately Steve soon convinced him that getting plastered in the Black Horse in Chorleywood was the way to go instead. It certainly was a shame to see such a promising athletic career go down the pan at the tender age of 12.

Many of you will be aware that Gavin and Sarah have recently purchased their first house together. This house does require a bit of DIY work, and anyone who knows Gavin will know that he is not exactly a DIY king. However, in order to get the house looking good he assures me that since moving in he and Sarah have been banging and screwing at every opportunity.

In the run-up to the wedding Gavin had something on his mind that was bothering him, so he decided to ask the Vicar about it. “Vicar” he said, “what do you think about sex before marriage?” “Well”, said the Vicar, “I'm absolutely fine with it as long as you still get here on time”.

Gavin is a generous man, and demonstrated this to all his friends during the stag weekend. I'm not talking about the champagne he bought for us all; I'm talking about our visit to the go-cart track. Whilst racing he consistently let everybody overtake him with absolutely no thought for himself. Talking of stag weekends, that brings me nicely onto the next subject.

The stag weekend

The stag weekend was difficult to organise, partly because I had to do it and partly because getting money out of some of our friends is harder than getting blood from a stone, Rawcliffe  was out as we have been banned from most pubs there, therefore we decided that we had to go further afield, so a stag night was changed to a stag weekend. We thought about Dublin, but it was no good, we had already been there and they hadn't forgotten. We tried Amsterdam, but were told politely not to bother by the Dutch authorities so in the end we settled on Newcastle. This town was a good choice for two reasons. Firstly, it was far enough away from home for none of us to be recognised and secondly it was far enough away from home to prevent Gavin from doing his usual Saturday night party trick of drinking like a fish for 2 hours, hurling abuse at his friends for being ‘lightweights’ and then hailing a taxi home at 8pm on his own in a drunken state. Fortunately this didn't happen, not because Gavin wasn't drunk, it was simply because no Geordie taxi driver in their right mind would let a shaven haired Southern drunkard into their cab dressed in a French Maids outfit

Sarah

When I first met Sarah my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person. But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Gavin.

Speaking of Sarah, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress … Gavin likes it too as he thinks it blends well with the rest of the kitchen.

Gavin truly is a lucky man today marrying Sarah; she is a wonderful lady who deserves a good husband … so I think Gavin has done a fantastic job at marrying her before she had a chance to find one.

Sarah has become a good friend since I have known her. She is kind, thoughtful and caring and I know her father pulled her to one side just before the wedding to give her some advice on three things to remember:

Aisle. As it is the longest walk you'll ever take

Altar. The place where 2 become 1

Hymn. This is where the congregation celebrate your coming together

Sarah certainly took this advice to heart; indeed I heard her muttering the three words under her breath as she walked down the aisle “AISLE ALTAR HYMN”, “AISLE ALTAR HYMN”,

Messages

In the days leading up to this marriage I thought it would be a good idea to seek out some wedding advice from our mutual friends so that Gavin and Sarah can benefit from their wisdom:

From Ben Lumley:

“Gavin, I muttered a few words in church and I was married. A year later, I muttered a few words in my sleep and I was nearly divorced”

From Derren Maggs:

“Gavin, marriage is a thing that puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes…”

From Dave Bevis:

“Gavin, getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead”

Finish

Seriously though, it is traditional for the best man to slate the groom in this speech, but in Matt's case this has been difficult as he really is fine person who has always been loyal and supportive to his friends and family. I know that in Steph he has found his life partner and I know they will be truly happy together. 

I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids and ushers today for their invaluable contribution to the wedding, I'm sure you'll all agree with me that they all look wonderful.

So, finally (get a glass in your hand):

Here's to love, laughter

And happily ever after.

As Matt and Steph start their new life

Please stand and toast the new husband and wife

Ladies and gentlemen……the Bride and Groom