Speech by Lee Foley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Foley
Speech Date: aug 2001
Good afternoon, for those of you who don't know me name is Lee and I've been fortunate enough to have known Adam for as long as I can remember. When Adam asked me to be his best man my first reaction was that I would be honoured to do this for him. When I realised that I would have to speak to an audience that swiftly changed to terror. To combat this I searched on the Internet for some advice on how to be a best man. The things you find on the net under “best man” is unbelievable. My searches revealed some basic rules:

1. Bring a credit card in case there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for. Chris covered that function at the stag do and I'm sure he is prepared for the wedding. I just had to get his dad home.
2. Help the groom dress.(Done that before, never pleasant).
3. Ensure that the groom is sober, punctual, uses the toilet before the service, has his shoelaces tied and his flies done up. Finally it is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. This is a little unfair, if God couldn't do it the first time what chance to I stand?
4. Ex-girlfriends to be kept at bay. When I tried to contact them to warn them, none were available. Strangely enough every single one was celebrating today and are unable to make it. Should any trouble start however, my fellow best man Chris is here to keep the peace.

The rules also stated that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell you all about his good points. Unfortunately, I cant sing and I wont lie. The main idea of the speech is for me to enlighten you all as to Adams character. Many of you don't know Adam all that well, and by the time I've finished my speech you wont want to.

I'll start at the beginning:

Adam John Phillips born 19 January 1973. Looking at him now it's not difficult to accept that he was an ugly baby. So ugly, in fact, that when he was born the midwife slapped his parents. He was also very nearly called Friday Phillips, because Mike took one look at him and said that's it Jan, lets call it a day.

Astrologists would have us believe that when you were born influences our personality. So what was happening in 1973?

The Sydney Opera House was completed and opened by Queen Elizabeth II
Karen and Richard Carpenter rule the airwaves with “Top of the World”
2 fishermen from Mississippi allege they were kidnapped by Aliens
But more importantly, Bell bottoms were in fashion. This is obviously the most important event as it would shape Adams career choice.

Interestingly enough the top 3 films of 1973 are (in reverse order):

The Getaway
Deliverance
The Poseidon Adventure

Other films of note include Enter the Dragon and The Exorcist.

Omens not looking too good are they?

So, lets look at Adams early years:

I'm sure Adam expected me to speak to his parents about their extensive photo collection. In fact I know he expected it because he got there before I did and removed all of the nude photos. Something embarrassing to hide there Adam?

My first photo is of Adam as a very young child. Jan warned me when I borrowed this from her that it was her most favoured photo of Adam she has. My theory is that this is because it looks virtually nothing like him as an adult.

SHOW PHOTO 1

As you can see Adam looks particularly appealing in a blue and white stripy number. He is also wearing a fetching floppy hat (or is that a bonnet?). What you don't know is that Adam is longingly gazing at a Vodka and Coke that is sitting on a sideboard nearby.

For those of you who know Adam you will all appreciate that he is game for a laugh. Well, by the age of about 10 he was exploring different ways to express himself. Both myself and Adam were becoming increasingly concerned about our lack of height. I mean Adam was having to stand on my shoulders to get into the drinks cabinet!

In an attempt to gain further inches Adam hit upon an unusual idea.

SHOW PHOTO 2

Heels!

Please note the yellow socks and happy grin.

As kids there was a fairly big group of us that would play various games. If Wimbledon had been on tv we would all go and play tennis. If the FA cup had been on tv we would all go and play football. Strangely though, Adam was the only one who wanted to play after watching come dancing. I pity all those who will dance with him tonight.

Some of our highlights were playing cowboys. Everbody's porch fulfilled a different function. Mine was the Bank, I now work for NatWest. And yes, that's right, Adams was the saloon.
Another of our favourite games was playing Batman and Robin. I was lucky enough that my Auntie had made me a Batman cowl and cape. So by definition Adam was Robin. Any excuse to wear tights eh Adam?

Well, because it's your wedding I thought you might like to be Robin one more time.

Robin Costume.

And yet I realise that as Best Man I should make a greater gesture, so yes, for your wedding night you can be Batman!

Batman Costume.

My third photo is the one that Adam has known, from the age of 10 that it would come back to haunt him. Do you want to let us all know what photo is next Adam?

Having discovered how comfortable he felt in ladies footwear, Adam could not resist going that one stage further.

What should worry you all most is how comfortable and at home he looks.

SHOW PHOTO 3

I am sure you are all getting an idea as to Adams development as a child. Of course at this age the only thing that Adam wanted more than a new dress was a uniform. Obviously the Robin costume was not enough for him. So Adam joined the Cubs, working has way up the ranks to become a sixer. He then moved on and very briefly joined the Scouts. Here we have Adam standing proud in his Scout uniform.

SHOW PHOTO 4

Please note several important features:

The beret at a rakish angle
The jeans up to his ribcage
But most importantly of all the pink and green socks designed to catch a ladies eye.

Of course all this time we attended school together and I feel it is worth reading out some of Adams school reports:

Year 5 – Although he tries hard, since my last report Adam has reached rock bottom and started to dig.

Year 7 – Adam takes a very hands on approach to music, I just wish he would spend more time playing with a band rather than himself.

Year 9 – Woodwork, loves wood, hates work.

Year 11 – I am convinced Adam shall go far, the sooner he starts the better.

But of course Adam did go far, with the Royal Navy. And that leads me very nicely onto the last photo. Here we have Adam as a fresh faced teenager joining the armed forces.

SHOW PHOTO 5

A little different from the veteran you see now eh?

So there you have it. A history of Adam Phillips, but with all the really offensive stuff left out.

As you can tell Adam has never really been conventional, I mean having 2 best men. I'd like to think that is because Adam wanted us both to be by his side at the wedding, Chris has said Adam only picked him so that he could look slim on the wedding photos and he picked me so he could look tall.

I need to make sure that Adam is aware that he has found a woman who is (PAUSE) kind, intelligent, understanding, forthright and compassionate.

Emma you've found a man who is (PAUSE) called Adam.

On a serious note Chris and I are extremely honoured to be present at the marriage of Adam and Emma, especially as Best Man and I would like to finish my speech by wishing you both every happiness for the future.