Speech by Lee Knight

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Knight
Speech Date: nov 2004
Notes: Both the father of the bride and the father of the Groom died suddenly within two days of each other in January 2004, hence the last paragraph's sentiments.

Bride: Jean Pope Groom: Craig Knight

For the visual gags I collected a huge number of keys from anywhere I could get them and my wife gave each lady, from the youngest to the oldest, a key after the wedding service, swearing them to secrecy and telling them they would know what to do with them when the time came.

I also prepared a six page booklet of Craig's baby photographs and put them in sealed envelopes on the tables with a note to say not to open them – they would know when the time was right.

Thank you Craig.

For those of you who don't know me, my name's Lee and I'm Craig's big brother, although I am hoping that I've done my job properly, and by the time I have finished, Craig will have disowned me.

I'd like to start by thanking Craig and Jean for agreeing to be my Bride and Groom today and especially to Craig for admitting, at long last, that I am indeed the Best Man.

I have been asked by the management of the castle to make an important safety announcement. Would you please refrain from getting up on to your tables and chairs during my standing ovation, someone could get hurt. Of course, feel free to throw money, but please make sure that all notes are folded and there are no sharp edges. Thank you.

When I was looking for inspiration for my speech, I asked a number of friends how long I should speak for. The general consensus was that I should speak for as long as it takes the Groom to make love. Ladies and Gentlemen, Craig and Jean. (Mock toast, sit down).

I'd like to thank Craig ion behalf of the Bridesmaids, Laura, Grace, Katie and Charlotte for his kind words and for their presents. I think you'll agree that they all did a wonderful job and deserve another round of applause.

And of course, Jean, what can I say? You look absolutely radiant today. (Applause). You are kind, honest, funny and tolerant. You deserve a good husband. Thank Christ you married Craig before one came along.

Welcome to the family Jean – you know what they say, once a Pope always a Pope, but once a Knight is enough.

Now living in a small community as they do, rumours and gossip are rife and I've heard that Jean has become known by neighbours as the Rolf Harris of Banstead. This puzzled me at first as she hasn't got a beard or a didgeridoo, and they don't have any pets. After a lot of thought, the only connection I can come up with to connect Jean and Rolf is their deep, disarming love of dumb defenceless animals.

I understand that it is bad form to mention former relationships of the Groom, but Ladies and Gentlemen, I am forced to break with tradition.

If I can be serious for a moment and ask any lady in the room who may have been, how can I say this diplomatically?, a “house guest” of my baby brother over the past few years to have a look in their bags for any keys they may have to Mum's place. Mum is concerned that she seems to be missing a few sets. So ladies, key amnesty, if you do have a set of keys, please take a moment to come up and return them. (Wait, look surprised).

Well, there's a surprise! Gentlemen, the drinks are on Craig afterwards. I am sure he will be only too please to grovel to each and every one of us personally.
So now on with my tribute, no sorry, my assassination, of Craig.

I have known Craig all of his life, surprisingly! He was born on the 24th of November 1972 in Kingston, and was about the size of a small child, which was a surprise to me, as I distinctly remember asking for a puppy. I have searched the internet in order to connect the year of his birth with major world events, and it would appear that 1972 saw the birth of Noel Gallagher, the first publication of the Mr Men books and the VW beetle became the best selling car ever. Of course, this is in addition to the maternity unit staff at Kingston hospital still celebrating the 24th of November as “Monkey Baby Tuesday”. It is also worth noting that the Department of Health introduced free family planning on the 25th of November and our Dad was first in the line for a vasectomy on the 26th. Coincidence? Maybe…

As a child, Craig loved the great outdoors and camping. He preferred to sleep under the stars in the garden, rather than in the house, and was a keen member of the Woodcraft Folk – learning to cook on an open fire, purify water, build shelters and generally live off the land. So it's not at all surprising that as an experienced woodsman, he became a car salesman!

He was and ideal scholar too. No, sorry, he was an idle scholar. He managed to convince Mum and Dad that he wasn't achieving his full potential at Beverley Boys School and that he wanted to move to school that would better suit his needs. The truth is he was about to be expelled from Beverley and had obviously decided it was better to jump than to be pushed. So, with no spaces available at Feltham Young Offenders Institution, he moved to Raynes Park High School, creditability intact and higher in Mum and Dads esteem than ever before due to his “mature and responsible outlook on life” – something which has become a trademark of his (NOT).

He excelled at sport, football in particular, and represented Surrey County. However, whenever I went to watch him play, he seemed to ponce around at the back of the field sporting a somewhat fetching mullet perm, not unlike Dame Barbara Cartland on Mongadon. But he assured me that that's what all the best players do.

Now rugby wasn't his game. One of his old school reports reflects this. His game teacher, who I remember as a somewhat effeminate man, wrote “Craig is useless in any position I have him in”. Other teachers wrote, “Whilst other pupils are drinking from the fountain of knowledge, Craig seems content to gargle”, and, “There are no flies on Craig, you can't even see where they've landed. He is so slippery, he will end up being a member of the mafia, or a car salesman”. How intuitive his teachers were. But my favourite by far was written by his music teacher. He wrote, “Craig takes a very hands-on approach to music. I wish he would concentrate his efforts on playing in a group, rather than playing with himself”.

After leaving school he went to college and then on to catering college, where he developed a taste for fine food and wine – not that you'd now looking at his fine athletic form today! After a brief spell as the Gordon Ramsay of Esher, he was sacked for cruelty – based mainly on his cuisine rather than his temperament, although I understand that he is still known to have a little paddy at work every now and then, and went to work for Dovercourt, where he met Jean.

Now I will always remember the first time I met Jean. We demolished a bottle of scotch between us and indulged in the obligatory perusing of the family photo albums. (ASK JEAN) Jean, I don't know about you, but I think the sharing of photographs with close and special friends is one of the nicest things you can do? (WAIT FOR JEAN TO AGREE). Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's no scotch on the table, but you've got plenty of wine and champagne. Feel free to open the envelopes on your table and see if you enjoy the experience as much as Jean and I did. (WAIT FOR QUIET).

Having met a number of his colleagues at his stag day, which by the way was a gentlemanly, ordered affair, unlike the hen night, but I can't say too much about that until after the court case next month – one thing is certain, his colleagues view him as some kind of God. This seems to based on three things – they never see him, he lives in the clouds and if he does any work, it's a bloody miracle!
Well, that's my assassination over with, and I would just like to say that I have the best brother in the World. We don't live in each others pockets, and indeed don't see each other from one month to the next, but I know that if I need anything, all I need to do is pick up the phone and he'll be there for me, and I want to thank you for that mate.

To end on a serious note. You are all aware that this year couldn't have started any worse for either of our families, and the fact that Craig and Jean were able to cope with the dark times whilst away from each other and still remain as strong and in love as ever before, I think, stands testament to the strength of the special relationship that they obviously have, and to this end, I would ask you to be upstanding and raise your glasses to the happy couple. Ladies and Gentlemen, Craig and Jean.