Speech by Lee Noyes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Noyes
Speech Date: oct 2004
Before I start sharing with you some stories about Mike that even the papers wouldn't touch, I would Like to thank the Groom on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind words and also point out how fantastic they all look today, especially mine.

When Jason ( other best man) and myself first thought about this speech we decided to split the duties into 2 parts. Jason felt it only right that he give you a little insight into the life of the Bride, which left me with the rather painful yet necessary duty of delivering Mike's complete character assassination. So here goes.

I met Mike 12 years ago at Blacon College. It was half way through a Theatre Studies class one day when the teacher interrupted us in order to introduce the new starter. We looked around to see a young lad in what looked like a crazy fright wig smiling at us. Honestly, his hair looked like a box of dead snakes. Anyway, after the girls in the class had stopped screaming, we learnt that the new starter's name was Mike and that the snakes on his head were in fact his real hair. Believe it or not Mike hasn't always been mistaken for a crash test dummy, he once had an unruly head of hair and looked more like Dot Cotton than Phil Mitchel.

Mike and I got chatting and pretty much hit it off straight away. As the months passed we realised we had quite a lot in common, for example, we both liked pubs, we liked drinking tenants extra to the point where even rubber underpants became redundant and we also thought the height of cool was bouncing up and down in clubs dressed in a granddads cardigans from Burtons and t-shirts you wouldn't even wash the car with.

After College Mike secured a job at GC Haan working with his dad while I moved to Sheffield Polly in order to continue my obsession with sleeping until noon.

Mike was now earning pretty good money and so to maintain the young professional image it seemed only natural that he would buy a car to match. Instead however he bought a Suzuki Vitara Jeep – popular the world over with hairdressers and young mothers. Mike was soon dismayed to realise that all the girls flocking around the Vitara were not there because of his sexual appeal but because they thought he could get hold of cheap ceramic hair straighteners.

But despite the income and career opportunities Mike decided he couldn't live without my social influence and spiritual guidance, so he gave up the job and came to study in Sheffield. Mike took to Uni life like a student to cooking sherry and was soon on his way to sleeping 14 hour nights, consuming alcohol faster than the off licence could dispense it, and convincing his body that it could live on a diet of sugerpuffs and baked beans.

Now as you might have guessed there are plenty of stories that I could tell you all about Mike in Sheffield, but I couldn't actually think of one that would be appropriate. When I say appropriate, I mean one that would have him squirming in his seat and sweating more than Pavaroti on a treadmill

But then one sprung to mind. I was reminded of the day I turned up at Mike's house ready to go down to the Pub for a few drinks. I knocked on Mike's front door and to my horror was greeted by a rather Scary Brunette. She was dressed as though she had got ready in the dark and looked like she had applied her make-up with a potato. In fact the only thing stopping me from putting a lead round her neck and marching her down to the local RSPCA was the fact that she looked oddly familiar. Imagine my horror when I finally realised that the hideous freak of nature standing in front of me was Mikey, looking like a female shot-putter on a first date.

And just in case you're not really getting a mental image of this I thought you might like to se just how scary it was. (PICTURE 1)

Of course this was just for a fancy dress party. It's not like Mike makes a habit of dressing up in women's clothes, is it Mike? (PICTURE 2+3).

Anyway, dressing up is not just a pastime Mike likes to indulge in outside work. Indeed, his next career move saw him sporting a jazzy green number for 12 hours a day. Yes, Mike became a paramedic, one of his better moves in fact as it proved to be an absolute winner when chatting up girls, from a distance you could almost see girls melt when Mike hit them with

‘ Yes, I'm training to be a paramedic and in my spare time doing some voluntary work looking after small children’

Mike was now walking the streets feeling pretty good about himself and why not, he was loaded with more chat up lines than an Italian waiter. Yes, Mike was now important, a saver of lives, just like his hero, Josh from Casualty. Unfortunately Mike had trouble keeping up the Action Man image, as he was now turning up to dates driving a Purple Micra.

Inevitably, the dates started to dry up, so Mike decided to move back to Chester and Spend some time thinking about his next career move. What he didn't realise at the time was that he was about to meet the girl of his dreams, however in real life she was called Kerry not fluffy and doesn't need sheering every summer.

It happened one night in Chester when Mike, Graham and myself decided to go to Watergates for a few drinks, I'd like to say that as we walked in Mike and Kerry's eyes met across a crowded room but this was impossible as the place was rather busy and Mike didn't have his little box with him to stand on. After they met however it was easy to see how well they got on, it was almost impossible to get a word in edgeways which left me no alternative but to talk to the ugly mate. As it turned out though Jason was quite interesting and a real gentleman, I did make it clear from the start thought that I wouldn't be going back for a Coffee.

It wasn't long after that first night that Mike and Kerry really fell for each other and as a friend you could tell that something special was about to grow between them. In all seriousness though In my opinion when you find a couple who treat each other with respect and are as unselfish to each other as Mike and Kerry then you have found a couple of true Sole mates.

Which is why today I am very proud to be his Best Man.

So could everyone please raise their glasses with me and join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom.