Speech by Lee Parton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Parton
Speech Date: oct 2004

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, good afternoon. My name is Lee and I am the best man. When preparing this speech I canvassed the opinion of my friends and family about how long I should speak for and the general consensus was that the best man's speech should last no longer than it takes the Groom to make love.

[LOOK AT WATCH]

With that in mind, thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.

[SIT DOWN]

Seriously though, on behalf of the bridesmaid I'd like to thanks Lee for his kind words and I have to agree that Amy and Emily look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today…

Being asked to be Lee's best man truly is a great honour and I should also thank him not only for asking me to be his best man but also for his nice comments and his lovely gift.

He might want to take it back after my speech is finished!!

Clare, and I think no one in this room would disagree – you look a vision of beauty today. Lee is a very lucky man – and I hope he realises it.

In fact, you could say that Clare looks one in a million. Lee on the other hand looks like he was won in a raffle.…

Now its at this point that I'm supposed to sing Lee's praises and tell you about his good points. 2 problems here. One – I can't sing. And two – Lee doesn't have any good points.

But it is my duty as best man to tell you a bit about the groom.

Starting at the very beginning, Lee was born in Swansea on the 1st December 1971.

Now I did try to link this with some big world event but it seems that nothing else happened that day …

In fact the staff that were working at the hospital at the time still refer to that day as "Monkey Birth Wednesday".

Now Lee is one of life's worriers.

A perfect example of this happened many years ago when Lee joined my family and I on a holiday to Majorca.

The problem was that we booked the holiday a few months before Lee decided to come along.

Try as we might, we couldn't get him a room. So we decided to just book the flight and smuggle him into our hotel room. Ordinarily not a problem – unless you're Mr Worry here…

Every morning when we got up for breakfast, there'd be no sign of Lee. He would have already have got up, dressed, and sneaked – ninja style – down to the poolside in the dead of night to avoid any contact with the hotel staff.

Even on our nights out he'd still worry about everything.

We decided to make a trip into Magaluf. To drink all night and catch the first bus back in the morning.

After a heavy session we caught the bus at 8 in the morning and being the party animals that we were – we'd fallen asleep on the bus inside 3 minutes!!

Lee woke up with a jolt and assumed that we'd missed our stop. So in a blind state of panic he made us jump off the bus. When we got our bearings back we realised that we hadn't actually got to our stop yet. In fact we were 4 miles away from our hotel!!

Thanks a bunch mate. The walk back to the hotel that morning was hard. The sun baked down and after a mile Lee's feet were killing him. Your fault for wearing heels I said. So off came the shoes.

By the time we got back to the hotel Lee had severe sun burn from the ankles down.

To make matters worse the next day Lee was standing at the edge of the sea trying to cool off the third degree burns on his feet and I was standing behind him thinking – what a girl and shouting – ‘jump in its not that cold’.

There was no movement so I promptly grabbed him by the legs and threw him in the water. There was a loud scream and I remember thinking – he really is a big girl's blouse.

It was then that I looked down at my hands and realised that I'd helped remove all the sun burnt skin from his feet…

While we're on the subject of that holiday, it might be worth me mentioning that Lee did in fact has reason to worry, because I was recently back in Majorca in the same hotel and they've have since realised that he was smuggled in and didn't pay for his accommodation. When I got there, there were posters of Lee all around the place. I managed to grab as many as I could and I've put them in the envelopes on your tables. You might want to have a look.

Something else that you should know about Lee is that he can't keep secrets.

The best man's job is to give the groom a great stag party and to keep the events of the said party a complete secret. As the saying goes, “what goes on tour stays on tour…” If only Lee could do the same. … The problem is that all the girls he's blabbed to in work are here today and sitting on the same table as my wife… so I'll be the one getting into trouble…

The fact that he can't keep secrets is actually quite lucky really, because as well as being a computer programmer for he also has another job in the office..… the company Gossip!!

He's actually put in place a network of spies– most of whom are here today. But don't worry I won't be mentioning names… Lisa, Alaina and Debbie!!!

He's even enrolled Clare's brother Brian who works in the same building – which means that no secret is safe from him.

Lee also has his hobbies. He's a huge film fan and a huge Lord of the Rings fan. In fact he even lives his life by the story of Lord of the Rings. And this illustrates how much he loves Clare is the fact that he's spent most of his life searching for the Ring of Power.

And as soon as he finds it – he gives it to her!!!

But a sports fan Lee is not – unless it's Six Nations day when he uses the rugby as an excuse for an all day drinking session. But I did try and get him involved with the company football team, unfortunately he was useless in every position.

So for tonight Clare – good luck.

But that's enough of a character assassination. Lee actually does have a few good points too!!!

He is as genuine a person as you are likely to meet and someone I can always rely on as a friend. I know that if I ever have a problem that he'd be there for me with a shoulder to cry on and a settee to sleep on!! We've been friends for what seems like forever.

He is one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and one of the things that I think makes him such great company, is his laugh. He's got the most infectious laugh known to man. If there are any Simpsons fans out there, I challenge you to watch an episode with Lee and not enjoy it twice as much as normal.

Another one of his good points is, and some may argue with me here, but he's got a great singing voice.… No Office Christmas Party would be the same without Lee warbling on the Karaoke machine. You just can't keep him away from them.

Now a few weeks ago I talked to Lee a little about Clare and I didn't realise that it's now nearly 9 years since they first got together. Now I know what you're all thinking – Whirlwind romance.

But as I've said Lee is one of life's worriers and when he does things he likes to know the outcome and not to take too many risks. So in order to be sure she'd say yes when he proposed, he decided to wait 5 years and then give her a child.… just to be sure!!!

This brings me on to little Matthew who is an absolute credit to you both and I don't think I've ever seen him without a smile on his face. And who I think has been brilliant today along with Jack and I think they both deserve a round of applause.

Ok, before I finish up, I'd like to read a few cards and messages out.… This one says…

To Lee and Clare … Best wishes form Bill and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.

This one is only to Lee – A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride. Will you be renewing your subscription? Playboy Magazine

And actually here's one from an old school friend… remember Paul Durke? I saw him recently in Tescos and when I told him you were getting hitched he asked me to pass this message on. It says … Lee, I Love You. We could have been great together. Paul

Lee also passed me a note to read out earlier on this morning:

For Sale. Complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Excellent Condition. £500 ONO. No longer needed. Just Married. Wife knows everything.

OK I'm nearly finished.… But before I do, as a married man myself, I'd like to offer this very special couple a few words of advice

Clare: men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.

On the other hand, Lee, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then turn full-bodied until they go sour and vinegary. Then they give you a headache.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, I can tell that you are all having a great time here today and this is mainly down to the months of planning by Clare … with some help from Lee. I will now finish things off so you can once again have a great time. Before I do, I would ask you all to stand and raise a glass, as I propose a toast to the bride and groom ……………… – the new Mr and Mrs Sullivan, to Lee and Clare.”