Speech by Lee Pearce

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Pearce
Speech Date: mar 2003
Introduction

The moment has arrived.…
its time for a little character assassination..…
and as (A) best man..…
its my opportunity to slate him.

Although,
as Henry the Eighth said to each of his wives..…
I wont keep you long

Having never done this before, I really didn't know how long my speech should last
General opinion suggests it should last about as long as it takes the groom to make love, so..…
(hand gesture)
Thank you and good night.

If only I was joking.
—————————————————————————————–

When (A) first asked me to be his best man, I thought it would be a terrific honour,
But, as time has gone by I've realised that being best man is alot like making love to princess Ann,
it's a great honour, but you wish to god someone else was doing it.

About Groom
Now, all the books tell me I shouldn't just slate him…
which makes it difficult,
I must tell you a bit about him, and mention his good points as well (I'm told)

(A) was born on

In the same year..…
British Decimal Coins were introduced
The first Kodak Instamatic camera was produced
The boing 747 and concorde made their first flights…
Test tube fertilisation of human egg. and
Scientists designed the epidural injection to ease the pain of child birth, fascinating

Interestingly enough, in September 1968, soon after (A) was born, family planning became available on the NHS

Believe it or not (A) did go to school, but it is fair to say he wasn't the sharpest pencil in the box

I remember sitting in pizza hut with him one day when the waiter asked if he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 8 pieces.…
He said…you better make it 4 because ill never manage 8

He thought sheffield Wednesday was the day after shrove Tuesday

He thought Alfred Hitchcock was a jockstrap

Its not all bad…

To give you some idea what he was like at school I've managed to dig out one of (A) old school reports…
It reads “(A) is an ideal pupil who excelled in all subjects”

However on closer inspection its clearly been doctored.
It actually reads
“(A) is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects”

It goes on to say that (A) excelled at sport..…
Truth is the only running he did was running the tuck shop

Enough about his school days
what about this man we see before us now..…
well..…
(A) could be described as charming, intelligent, and entertaining.…
And perhaps one day he will be!

No, honestly, he truly is successful, witty, talented and per…per, sorry (A) I cant quite read your writing!

(A) is a man of hidden talents…
And as soon as I find one I will let you know!

Most people here know (A) very well…
And I am sure you will all agree that once you've met him he's a difficult man to forget.…
But well worth the effort!

You will all be familiar with the bizarre things that he often comes out with
I've known him long enough now to realise when he's talking rubbish,
His lips are moving!

Again, you will all be familiar with how Infuriating (A) can be..…
Turning up late…
Not turning up at all..…
Leaving everything until the last minute.…
Organising his wedding in 2 weeks

I don't know what it is that made him so infuriating,
But whatever it was, it worked!

He can be so infuriating…
that when he was thirteen years old, mum and dad ran away from home,

He has been described to me as conceited, selfish, arrogant and insensitive.…
And lets face it, a mother should know!

I even received a flyer recently telling me that people who have known him for some time have now formed their own support group

Some have suggested that (A) is a little naïve.
Initially I didn't agree, thinking he is worldly wise,
but since he asked me to be his best man,…I've given this further thought and it occurred to me that (A) has always been rather naïve when it comes to sexual matters.…
In fact, he still believes that mutual climax is an insurance company!

Recently, (B) told him that the most important thing in sex is foreplay
What did (A) do.…
he invited another couple!

Truly, marriage is a wonderful thing
It will teach (A) loyalty, self restraint, control
It will develop in him a sense of fair play, and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he stayed single
When I asked (A) what he was looking for in marriage, he said love, happiness and eventually a family
When I asked (B) the same question, she replied a toaster!

Words of wisdom/advice to (A)

While speaking to people about tonight I tried to gather some advice on what people thought were the ingredients of a successful marriage between (A) and (B)

heres a selection of what I was told.

– (A), you must set out the ground rules and establish who's boss …then do whatever (B) says

– You should always remember the 5 rings:
• The Engagement ring,
• The Wedding ring,
• The Suffering,
• The Torturing…and
• The Enduring,

Next (A).… always remember that it only took a few words on Thursday and you were married……
It only takes a few words mumbled in your sleep and your divorced.

For (B) I have the following advice – men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes …..and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with
On the other hand (B), women are also like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind.
Then they turn full bodied, until they go sour and just give you a headache

You both should know that its very important to get on with the mother in law.
I didn't speak to mine for almost two years after I married (S).
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because I didn't like her.… or through lack of trying.
I just thought it was rude to interrupt.

Toast
I am now reaching the end, but before I finish, please remain seated whilst joining me in a toast to some very important people, without who, tonight just wouldn't be the same.
I'm sure all of us will at some point shuffle past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen Id like you to raise your glasses……to the bar staff!

Being serious for one moment we should not forget the new Mr & Mrs (C).
To you both I say..…

May your love be modern enough to survive the times.… and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Today is a day when each of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human (and living with (A)) they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is, there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that tonight, we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come.

And so my last task (before I can really enjoy a drink)
is to propose a toast
will you all please raise your glasses to the new Mr & Mrs