Speech by Lee Silvester

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Silvester
Speech Date: oct 2004
Well Andrew, I hope you made the most of your speech.. now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!
Good afternoon everybody and thank you all for coming.

Before I start, and on behalf of the brides maids, I would just like to thank Andrew for his kind words. As I am sure you will agree, the bride's maids are looking particularly wonderful today.
The hair by Nicky Clark
The dresses from Simpson's of Piccadilly
And the foundation from B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, for those of you who don't know me, my name's Lee, Andrew's best man.
I am very friendly, house trained, rarely bite and will be found in the not too distant future, somewhere near the bar. I would also like to mention that I am a complete novice at public speaking. And I have this overwhelming urge to prove it to you today.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Andrew and Sam that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.
When Andrew asked me to be his best man I was a bit surprised, but I must say thank you to Andrew: it is a great honour that I shall never forget.
However, I feel like I have inherited a harem though: I know exactly what to do, but where do I start
I believe my main responsibilities for today were:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a plastic surgeon!
Anyway on with the assassination, sorry speech
So what do we know about Andrew
Andrew was born in Stoke on 20th July 1977…..and by sheer coincidence, shortly after his birth saw the introduction of free family planning on the NHS!!!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately I didn't know Andrew during his school years, but I'm reliably told that he was an ideal pupil, who excelled at in most subjects.
Sorry that should read:
“He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!!!
Fortunately, whilst investigating Andrew's school days, I came across a number of school reports and I have a couple of extracts for you:
Technical Drawing – Although very keen, Andrew has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres!!!!!!, no change their than Sam!!!!
Religious Education Andrew's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins!!!!!!
Music – Andrew takes a very hands on approach to music, but I wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than with himself.

This leads me to Andrew's working career. I contacted a few of his colleagues who filled me in on his career to date. One surprising fact was that he is known as a hard worker and his nickname appears to be ‘God’. Whether this is really because no one ever sees him, he makes up his own rules and any work he does do is a miracle is not for me to guess.
I believe it is traditional to talk about the Stag Do. I am happy to say that no photographs exist but this is more to do with the fact that no camera has been made that could have incorporated the size of some of the ladies we met.
The stag day it self consisted of a full day of paintballing, a pretty macho event you would think.
Enter the two teams into the battle arena, our team headed by our stag Andrew, chests puffed out and bellies bulging, our opponents for the day dressed in short trousers with the average age of 13!!
As we stood in our corner coughing/farting and having our first fag of the day, our opponents were completing their warm ups and stretching routine while their team leader was complaining to the management staff that they had been promised quality opposition.
To say we got our arses kicked in the first game would be an understatement, no sooner had the whistle been sounded to denote the start of the game, had these bum fluff, spotty clad group of teenagers descended upon our position and proceeded without mercy to pound our soft white flesh with pink paint balls and fill our lungs with acrid smoke bombs.
As the battles drew to a close, we all walked back to the staging post licking our wounds. Certain members of the stag party, who will remain nameless, had kept a few paintballs over and proceeded to fire them in the general direction of Andrews's buttocks.
At this Andrew lost his temper and was visible upset, now whether this was down to Adrian, ups sorry certain individuals firing on him at point blank range or the fact that his day chasing young boys around a wet forest with his weapon in his hand had come to an end is not for me to guess.
With regards the evening of the stag, Andrew demonstrated his love for Sam by avoiding all of Birmingham's ‘fine’ ladies. Despite the best efforts of a number of ladies including miya, Vicky, Sophie and two other ladies who's names I can't quite recall, I can honestly say that Andrew didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to – but that job was made easier by the bouncers at the lap dancing club who wouldn't let Andrew do anything he wasn't supposed to.

My first impressions of meeting Sam almost 3 years ago was that she was beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person and we can all see for ourselves how stunning Sam looks today. This proves one thing I've always known about Andrew, that he definitely is a man of vision……often blurred and sometimes double, but nonetheless a man of vision lucky enough to have found such a beautiful wife. It goes to show how the phrase ‘for better or worse’ is so appropriate. Andrew really couldn't have done any better while Sam couldn't have done any worse.
I believe at this point I'm supposed to give some advice on married life and what lies ahead
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…..and then do everything that Sam tells you

Secondly, never be afraid that Sam will leave you…she's spent a lot of time and effort training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly

And finally, try and get on with the mother in law. I haven't spoken to my mother in law for nearly 2 years… it's not because I don't like her…I just don't like to interrupt

Well that's enough from me whittering on, I think its time I read out a few cards.
Cards
Card one
– one from the girls from the stag night
Dear Big Boy (are you sure this is for you?!!!)
Sending you best wishes on your wedding day from Birmingham.
You certainly made an impression on us; we hope we didn't leave any impressions on you!!!!
All the best
Card two
When Andrew moved to Hellmann's he decided that he would try and keep fit so he joined the football team. He has obviously made a lasting impression on them, so much so that they have sent you a card here today.

Dear Sam & Andrew
Congratulations on this very special day. We are sure you are looking forward to your first night together as man and wife and so have this special message for you.
We have found Andrew useless in every position, so Sam, we hope you have more luck!!!!
Best Wishes
From all the boys
Card three
Dear Andrew,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I just hope you've
made the right choice.
Love Michael Barrymore"
In closing I would just like to say that although I have taken the micky out of Andrew today, there is no other person I would wish for as a brother in law. He is a good friend, loyal, trustworthy and kind.

Once again I would like to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to be your brother in law and your best man, I hope that your life together with Sam is long and enjoyable and that the happiest of your yesterdays is the saddest of your tomorrows.
A wise man once said to me
“HAPPY MARRIAGES BEGIN WHEN WE MARRY THE ONE WE LOVE
AND THEY BLOSSOM WHEN WE LOVE THE ONE WE MARRIED.”
And I can certainly testify to that
Toasts
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for
sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long
distances.
I have three toasts to make

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to thank the bride and
grooms parents for this special day. The toast is The Parents.

I'd like everyone to remain standing for a toast to all those people who
couldn't be here today to celebrate Andrew and Sams's wedding;
The toast is To Absent Friends.

And finally, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to ask you to join me in a toast to the bride and groom. May all your troubles be little ones.
The toast is The Bride and Groom.