Speech by Lee Slocombe

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Slocombe
Speech Date: oct 2003
Ladies and Gentleman, boys & girls, friends, relatives, hangers on and hotel staff.

When Jerry asked me if I would say a few words at his wedding I was initially thrilled at the prospect. But then I remembered the last time I had to stand up in a room full of people, I was found guilty and fined £200… So I hope you will be a little forgiving and lenient than the last lot were.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Lee and I am one of Jerry‘s good friends, although I must insist you call my by my full name today which is ‘Lee-what you havin’?’ So when you see me later, probably in the area of the bar, be sure to say “Hi Lee-what you havin’?” and I'll be sure to reply.

On a serious note, Can I just say that Judi looks like one in a million today, where as Jerry looks, well, won in a raffle. May I also extend my gratitude to the bridesmaids, and I think everyone would agree how fantastic they look today and little Zak. I'd also like to say how good Jerry looks, but I'm not one to lie, so I won't.

Judi makes a beautiful bride Jerry and she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one. And for better or worse, which is quite appropriate as Jerry couldn't have done any better and Judi couldn't have done much worse.

I really didn't know what to exactly to say for this speech so I decided to look on the internet. After a few hours I found some really good stuff, but then I remembered what I was suppose to be looking for! I decided to go to where it all began…

When Jerry was born on the 21st February 1970 he wasn't a pretty baby, in fact his mum didn't get morning sickness until after he was born. When deciding a name for Jerry, his parents were very close to calling him Thursday, when the midwife passed him to his father he said “I think we'd better call it a day!”

I didn't know Jerry during his school years, but I am reliably informed that he was not like the other 16 year olds when he left school – he was 24! He had a nickname at school which he is very embarrassed about so being the good friend that I am, I won't tell a sole.

When me and Jemima puddle-duck, here used to hang around together we didn't always get on . Jerry would call me smelly and I would call him stupid and we would both end up in tears. But we would always make up once we got outside the pub.

We used to play football together and Jerry used to play in goal, however Jerry's definition of playing in goal was to continuously walk into the net and kick the ball back to the centre spot. He did experiment and wore his shorts on one occasion as he was given the freedom of playing up front in an end of season game. He actually scored a screamer from all of seven yards, however the goalkeeper was blinded by Jerry's colgate white legs and taken to hospital where he was treated for snow blindness.

Jerry's other great love was snooker and he soon become equally comfortable, cue in hand, whether going for an easy pink or more difficult brown. He would say how he always wanted to be like his idol Jimmy White, and I think he has done quite a good job, balding, overweight and crap at snooker.

During my research into Jerry's past I attempted to get in touch some of his ex-girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send the bride a sympathy card. But it seems that most of them have either been shot dead or are still in quarantine following the foot and mouth outbreak two years ago.

Jerry has always told me that he could never snog a man or get married. For all of us here let's hope today isn't a mission. Though a handsome guy Jerry is , he informed me that Judi called him “handsome from afar” during that fateful night out at the Rowel Charter Inn. But when I asked Judi about this she tells me she actually said he was ‘far from handsome!” however, jerry popped the question, untraditionally it must be said as Judi was the one on her knees when he asked.

But they are here today, offering to share their lives together, Jerry did ask me to bring a bag for this evening with some items if all went well during the day. The items included… toothpaste, spare cash, deodorant and extra strength Viagra… sorry, that should have read extra strength aspirin. Apparently Jerry told me Judi gets a lot of headaches when she goes to bed.

Finally, I have some telegrams to read or as Zak calls it, e-mails

The first is from all the lads from football;

We've found Jerry useless in every position, hope Judi has more luck, congratulations.

Judi – I loved you when you had your hair the same as mine, Have a wonderful day, Love from Phil Oakey

Judi – Shame it didn't work out between us, however if the rumours are true about Jerry, ring me. Love from Gary Linekar

I have a couple for Jerry;

Jerry – Sorry I couldn't make it to your big day, things a bit tricky at the moment, from Saddam

Jerry – We could have been so good together, I will miss our nights by the pool, lots of love Michael Barrymore

Jerry, you are the nicest bloke I have ever met. I am very proud to be your friend and very honoured to be here today.

Judi, he's all yours and you look perfect together.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Jerry and Judi, May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever, Ladies and Gentlemen, the bride and groom.