Speech by Lee Sporle

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Sporle
Speech Date: Jul 2002
LEE- My name is lee and I'm an alcoholic …..PAUSE and look around .…
ANDY- Lee that's for next Tuesdays AA meeting

ANDY- When starting to prepare what I was going to say, I referred to one of the many books that I have, especially the sayings and philosophy of that wise man Confusious. Confusious says “ The best mans speech last as long as it takes the groom to make love” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
Lee & I are very honoured to be doing this job. The company is excellent, the hospitality couldn't be better, we have a beautiful bride to admire, and there is an evening of partying ahead of us. In time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Smithy the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. Which to be fair is only what he gives Lisa every-time they go to bed.

LEE- (BABY PHOTO) – If you would like to open envelope 1 on your table
on the 15th December 1968 a baby boy was born, just in time for the opening at the local Pub. He was born at the Princess Christian Nursing Home in Windsor, weighing in a 8pounds and 10ounzes which looking at him today he may have gained a few pounds!. He was called Andrew Christopher Smith, he has been called many other names over the years but unfortunately I can't repeat them here today.

ANDY- (CAR PHOTO) It was clear from an early age that smithy was mad on cars. As we grew up together smithy's cars were always big projects and the most memorable car for me was his Hillman Imp, which he turned into a rally car for 1 special event. I was the lucky co driver in this event and on one high speed corner we ended up in a plough field. Smithy was very concerned about his car. I was more concerned that I had lost my pencil and notes and we wouldn't find our way home. Sod the notes and pencil was smithy's remarks, what about my car! – If you would like to open envelope 2 on your table

LEE- (DRESSED UP AS A WOMAN PHOTO) Smithy went through what can only be described as an “experimental” stage of his life. – If you would like to open envelope 3 on your table Which as you can see involved dressing up! Any opportunity to dress up, such as a fancy dress party, no matter what the theme was, or even going to the corner shop for a newspaper, would be a good enough excuse to dress up

ANDY- (AUSSIE OUTBACK BUSH PHOTO) When we travelled Australia we were obviously in a very hot climate. Shorts and T-shirts the norm. Smithy always had to go one further and when someone said to him “shall we go into the bush mate?” he took it quite literally. – If you would like to open envelope 4 on your table you will find out.

LEE- (ANDY & BABY PHOTO) – If you would like to open envelope 5 on your table
On the 27th August 1997 Smithy and Lisa became proud parents of a lovely boy sasha. But as you have seen from the previous photos, and heard from the stories today, it was obviously a miracle that smithy became a father! So much so that Lisa we were wondering if your real name was Mary Magdalene?

ANDY- (ANDY HOUSE PHOTO) (LEE TO HAND SMITHY TOOLS) It got to the stage where cars were just not enough of a project for smithy, he needed more. “I know I will buy a house, completely gut it and rebuild it from scratch” he said 2 lengths of 2×4, 6 bags of 4 inch cross head screws, 1 claw hammer and 15 months later smithy can literally build you a house and notice I didn't say smithy needed a level! – If you would like to open envelope 6 on your table
TOAST: Ladies and gentlemen at this point we would like to make a toast to the bride and groom – MAY THE ROOF ABOVE YOU NEVER FALL IN
LEE- AND MAY YOU BOTH NEVER FALL OUT.
(BUM HOLE PHOTO) Right back to the photos. Before you look at the next photo, if you could take a few seconds and I will give you the keywords. SMITHY…………..ZIPPO LIGHTER……….… ……BACKDRAFT……..… I think some of you are with me, I know smithy will be! Once again through his experimental years he decided to light his own wind, and I'm sure you will agree smithy does have a lot of wind. So if you are brave enough to open envelope 7, please do so now, The result in typical smithy fashion did literally backfire.

ANDY- (NICE PHOTO) – If you would like to open envelope 8 on your table you will see we are At the present day and what a wonderful couple they make. I'm pretty sure that smithy is glad the best man speeches are after the wedding and not before!

LEE- When we were waiting at the church today I asked Lisa's mum about some stories from her childhood. She said "that when Lisa was a toddler, she remembers sending Lisa to bed with a dummy " Funny how History repeats itself.
I did some research and came across an ancient book with a number of definitions regarding marriage: It said:
• The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
• The altar – the place where 2 become 1
• The hymn – the celebration of the marriage I think Lisa must have read the same book, ‘cos as she came up the aisle, I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle, Altar, Hymn, Aisle, Altar, Hymn"

ANDY- Lisa we wanted you to know how wonderful you looked today and we asked some of the people here today to give you a vote by means of scorecards. Could you please hold up your cards. So would everyone please hold up your cards Guys please turn them up the other way!! WOW
(PHOTOS of LISA) Lisa you didn't really think you were going to escape. Here are some of Lisa's finer moments.
– If you would you like to open the last envelope.
We also sought some professional advice for you on marriage and we took it from the Good Wives Guide and here are a few pointers.

LEE- Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. (Present Lisa a Ribbon)

ANDY- Your Goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with your problems. Don't complain if hes late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

LEE- Remember, he is master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
ANDY- A good Wife always knows her place……….…
We also asked some of the men here today what rules they wish woman knew: here are a few
Shopping is not a sport

LEE- Anyone can buy condoms

ANDY- No we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar

LEE- Sunday= Football/rugby or any sport. Its like the full moon or changing of the tides let it be

ANDY- Please say whatever you have to say during commercials

LEE- Don't fake it wed rather be ineffective than deceived.
We tried to ask some of Smithy's ex girlfriends for some advice for Lisa, however due to the outbreak of Foot and Mouth they have all been shot
One last piece of advice from me: Its important to get on with your mother in law. I didn't speak to mine for 2 years! Its not that I didn't like her, its just that I didn't like to interrupt!

TELEGRAMS

ANDY- We would like to now read out some Telegrams. Smithy's Boss, said, ‘Working with Smithy is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.’

LEE- To Lisa we could have been so good together all the best for the future – George Clooney

ANDY- To smithy we could have been so good together you bastard – Elton John.

LEE- I would just like to thank the Brides Maids Andrea, Tracey, Kim and Alison for firstly performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day. I'd also like to congratulate them for doing such a great job in making sure that Lisa went against her better judgment and didn't change her mind.
TOAST: Ladies and Gentlemen THE BRIDESMAIDS

ANDY- and now before the final toasts: For those of you who don't know our names. Our names are "Lee & Andy what are you drinking". We'll be around later so please do not hesitate to come and introduce yourself, but we must insist you call us by our full names.
On behalf of Lee and myself we would like to thank smithy for choosing us to be his best men. It has been a great honour and we have both really enjoyed the privilege.

LEE- If you would all like to stand again and raise your glasses and join us in a toast.
WISHING THEM A LONG AND HAPPY MARRIAGE MR & MRS SMITH