Speech by Lee Tagg

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lee Tagg
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. Firstly I'd like to thank Phil on behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboy for his kind words, I'm sure his words echo the thoughts of us all. And I can't go on without mentioning just how stunning Claire looked today and how amazed we all were that Phil scrubbed up ok as well. And keep it to yourself but I reckon this bridesmaid to my left/right is giving me the come on, I'm sure out of the corner of my eye I've seen her winking at me, I wish someone would tell her to keep her legs together when sat down.

Just one thing you forgot to mention in your speech Phil. You forgot to thank Claire, as your new wife, for letting you speak for 5 minutes without interrupting.

I'm sure you'll all agree it was a fantastic ceremony and has been a great day so far with many more hours to come with some laughs and I'm sure some shameful antics along the way, I just hope they're not all from me this time. Now I've heard a rumour that you are a very forgiving audience and will laugh at the lamest of jokes so in the next few minutes I will be severely testing that theory. I will try and keep this brief but more for my benefit than yours as I'm absolutely cacking myself.

Now, I did try to memorise this but failed miserably, and my request for an auto-cue was turned down, as apparently, the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far, and to be fair, after a couple of glasses of wine, neither does my eyesight! Bearing this in mind and the fact that my first attempt as a best man at Paul's wedding I had no notes and it's fair to say died on my ar…….backside I make no apologies for standing here with my notes firmly in hand. You may just have to bear with me a few times while I tried to find my place.

I must warn you that the speech your about to hear does not contain any original material. I'm not ashamed to say I've nicked it all from other people and various websites so if anyone is offended, it's not my fault.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Lee or to many in this room Taggy. Feel free to approach me for a chat tonight, I'm quite a nice guy. From 7.30 you will find me at the end of the bar in the spot I reserved earlier for a nominal fee or on the dancefloor if Mouldy Old Dough is playing.

One thing before I go on, Phil and Claire and the Ringwood Hall manager have asked me to politely request that at the end of my speech for safety reasons could you refrain from getting up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation, thank you.

When Phil first asked me to best man I was touched but said ‘no, I couldn't do it’
He offered me a tenner
I told him to put his money away
He offered me twenty
I told him I couldn't be bought
He offered me thirty
So, good afternoon ladies and gentleman I'm Lee the best man. (take £30 out)

Before today Claire gave me a list of five things to do to ensure Phil got to the church in good nick.

Number 1 was to help him dress. Now correct me if I'm wrong but surely at his age he should be able to dress himself by now.
Number 2 was to make sure he had gone to the toilet before he set off. Well Claire I'm sorry but if he hasn't done it in the years you've been together I don't see why I should be the one to stand there and point it for him.
Number 3 was to ensure he was smart and his face and hair we're ok but again I have to admit defeat. If god couldn't sort them out what chance did I have.
Number 4 was ensure there was nothing in between his teeth. Now I have to admit I didn't read this one correctly, I thought you said check there was nothing between his ears which I can confirm is the case.
And finally make sure his fly was done up. Now I have to refer back to point number 2 here, if I wasn't going to point it at the toilet for him I'm certainly not going to tuck it in his trousers.

I have to say it is a real honour to be Phil's best man as well as nerve–wracking but he has assured me that if I do a good job then I can be best man at his next one……..only joking Claire. And I have to thank you both for giving me the opportunity to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, I swear I will try and refrain from painting the whole room red and making a da-do rail out of the chair legs.

I did have an idea to hire a projector to provide a bit of a slide show to entertain you all at Phil's expense. Hiring one wasn't a problem so I asked your mum if she had any embarrassing pictures and she replied “oh, do you mean the ones where he's showing his willy?” Now I'm very sorry Phil, I did try my best, but no company in the UK could blow them up so that you could actually see anything… so that idea went out of the window.

I've known Phil for around 12 years and I have nothing but praise for the guy, he's an absolute diamond of a bloke but in the past believe it or not he has been labelled arrogant, conceited, insensitive and even selfish…….and let's face it, his mum and dad know him best.

I did speak to a few of his old school friends just to get a feel for young master Cruise prior to us meeting and although they had some kind things to say they did mention he was somewhat of a slow starter. As early as junior school they could see a big difference between him and the other 7 year olds…….he was 12. Fortunately he has picked up since then but he still supports Sheffield Wednesday so there is evidence that he's not fully overcome he's earlier problems.

It was a few years later before we first got to know each other and we hit it off straight away although we did have our moments from time to time. I would call him dee-dah and he would call me fatty and we both run home crying. But then the next day he would e-mail me from work and we'd make up.

The period of his life between leaving school and meeting Claire can be summed up in these few words – Spires, Xanadu, Montys, Sun, Ladbrokes, Budweiser and kebabs. And I have to admit those places were where we spent most of our youth and that's when I first realised Phil was a man of vision, namely blurred vision and double vision but vision none the less.

I don't want you all thinking me and Phil were just drunken fools in our youth but I have been racking my brains for a story that doesn't start with “we were in the pub”, or “we'd been drinking all day”, or ‘I woke with a hangover in a sheep farm covered in whipped cream wearing just a dock leaf’, but I couldn't think of any.

Not having been married myself I couldn't really comment on the sacred vows so before everyone entered the room I asked some of the married guys for there thoughts on marriage, don't worry guys I'll keep your identities secret, until I've had a couple more pints at least.. This is what they said: –

It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Anyone who believes this either knows very little about women or percentages.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget once
I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage it is love. After marriage it is self defence.

I think I've given Phil enough stick so I'd like to say a few words about Claire…….but I daren't. All I will say is you're a fantastic woman and you deserve a good husband and we're all delighted you chose Phil before you found one. It must be a strange feeling to know that 20 odd years ago you were going to bed with a dummy and all these years later you're going to do it again.

Just before I finish it is tradition to read out some of the cards and far be it from me to break that tradition. Before I do can I just say I have literally just been passed the cards so I have not managed to pick out any in particular and I profusely apologise to anyone who's card I do not read out it's nothing personal. I'm only going to pick a handful as I know time is getting on so please don't corner me with a butter knife later on because I didn't read yours out.

READ CARDS

I started planning this speech a couple of days ago and I'm sure a few of you are feeling like you've been here that long listening to me so it is with relief all round that I'll draw my bit to a close.

Most importantly of all let's not forget a certain couple of people who mean a great deal to us all and whom today's celebrations simply could not have taken place without, ladies and gentleman, I give you…….the bar staff. Sorry, an old joke I know but I couldn't resist.

Seriously though, my final words are for you Phil and Claire. I am very, very proud, honoured and touched to be the best man today at this fantastic occasion. I am so pleased Phil has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have absolutely no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. This wedding is a testament to the love that they share, as Phil and Claire start their new life; So, ladies and gentlemen can I please ask you to be upstanding as I give you the new Mr and Mrs Cruise – to Phil and Claire.