Speech by LeeTopley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: LeeTopley
Speech Date: Aug2005
Good morning/afternoon ladies and gentlemen. As most of you have probably guessed by now I am the best man. However for those of you that don't know me personally my name is Lee and I would like to begin, on behalf of Nick and Kate, by thanking you all for being here and sharing their special day with them.

I would like to start by complimenting the bride on how amazing she looks today. As for Nick .… We tried.

As this is my first time being best man, I was a little worried as to how long the speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his manly duties in the bedroom.
So I think I've over run already.

Seriously though and more importantly, I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple. I'm sure you'll all agree what a great couple they make.
Marriage asks that couples take each other for better or worse and Nick, you really couldn't have done any better. And Kate, .… I suppose it could be worse!

When Nick first asked me to be his best man, part of me was honoured and part of me was terrified.

Upon researching my role though the fear soon began to subside as it slowly but surely began to dawn on me that in fact I had been granted a once in a lifetime opportunity. The opportunity to stand up in front of loads of people and embarrass my best mate.

It's not everyday we have the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honour – a man of action and achievement – a man of fantastic intellect, courage and sporting prowess …..… Not today though coz I'm here to talk about Nick.

So I'll start at the beginning.

Nick was born on the 30th October 1973 which is birthdate he shares with another cheating sportsman Diego Maradona. Evil Knievel was the man of the moment “Do you remember the toy bike Nick” The wombles made their television debut and The exorcist was being screened at cinemas for the first time.

I believe we met when we were about 3 years old. I cannot remember how we met but we both lived in the same road. As boys we had a fantastic childhood and got ourselves into all kinds of scrapes. These included building an entire arsenal of weapons from items found in Nicks back garden and setting off on our skateboards to terrorise anyone foolish enough to cross our paths, to creating interesting mixtures that we concocted to keep the vampires away and smearing it over the front doors of our houses. And as Nicks mum Nesta will confirm it obviously worked cos to this day not one vampire has been seen in Bassett.

There was also the time that we built a fire in the coal shed at Nicks house which in itself is a pretty daft thing for 2 kids to do but even more stupid when you consider that we built it by the exit. Sure enough the fire got out of control and if I remember rightly it needed Nicks older brother Chris to step in and rescue us.

During the school years we spent the majority of our time in the same schools and classes. I remember I tended to be better at English and Nick better at maths so between us we managed to get by pretty well. Of the interesting things that Nick got up to during that time my favourite has to be the non uniform days. We saw this as an opportunity to dress ourselves in funny outfits. One year myself and another schoolfriend thought it would be great to dress up as the band Bros. We achieved this by ripping up old jeans and borrowing a fantastic white leather jacket from Nicks dad. Nick on the other hand had a far more interesting idea. for his costume. As those of you that know Nick well will be aware he is quite partial to the odd outfit or two. On this occasion Nick decided he would spend the entire day dressed in nothing but stockings, suspenders, bra, speedos and a cape. Never to be one to do things by halves he even shaved his legs much to the horror of my girlfriend at the times mum when she returned home to find hair all over her bathroom.

There was also the time during an IT class that Nick decided he would pull a condom over his head and inflate it using only his nose. Funny in itself but even funnier when the teacher walked in looked at Nick and said “if the cap fits”.

Nick does have many other skills and abilities. He likes to think of himself as quite the cook. Im sure his cousin Gavin will agree. He does make a pretty mean catfood Bolognese.

He's also quite partial to administering the odd haircut. Now I can assure there's nothing in the world funnier than watching Nick shave one of his legendary monk or abbot hairdos into a sleeping friends head. Isn't that right Martyn.

Ladies and gentlemen I could go on all day. But I feel now is the time to provide Nick with some valuable advice.

Being someone who's terrified of getting married myself I'm not sure Im qualified to give it but what the hell.

I believe marriage is something that should not be entered into lightly. And at what 16 – 17 stone? Nick certainly wont be.

remember the 5 rings; The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring.

Never go to bed angry……………………..Always stay up and fight.
The best way to remember the anniversary is to forget it once.
And finally number 3, in a woman's dictionary, the word “argument” is defined as:
“ A discussion that occurs when the wife is correct but the husband just hasn't realised it yet”.

In all seriousness though Nick, you've been a brilliant friend to me over the years. It's been an honour to be your best man today, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage!

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we finish, there are obviously some very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible – and the great thing is, as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast………….to the bar staff

On behalf o everyone here I can truly say that you are wished
nothing but the best for the future. You are a
unique and perfectly matched couple, and I
hope that all your dreams come true and you
have a long & happy life together. Ladies and
gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join
me in a toast – to the bride and groom —
Mr. & Mrs. Nick and Kate *****.